Roxanne's Journey

The Trees in the Forest

2010-07-22T14:38:00.002-04:00

On Sunday morning, I presented a message for the little children. I told them that sometimes on Sunday mornings I don’t get time for breakfast and during church I get really hungry. Sometimes I don’t even think I can make it through the sermon. I told them that today was one of those days that I didn’t get breakfast, so I brought a McDonald’s hamburger to eat during the sermon. (As you can imagine, all eyes were watching as I took out my McDonald’s bag) I began taking out items from the bag. I first removed the straw, then the cup for the drink. Then I took out the napkins, followed by the salt and pepper packets. Then I removed the mustard and catsup packets. (By this time the children were huddled close).

Then I said, “Now for the most important thing”. I looked in the (now empty) bag and said, “Oh no, I forgot the hamburger!! I was so busy getting all the other things ready, I forgot the most important thing and now I am going to be hungry. I then explained to the children that often we get so busy doing all the things come up in our life that we forget the most important thing; and that is our time spent with God.

Over the last couple of years, and especially the last many months, my life has seemed like a forest, thick with trees. The trees have taken on several shapes and names. Some trees have been small and some giant oaks. Diagnosed with late stage cancer, chemo, radiation, surgeries, the sudden unexpected death of my sweet young niece, my youngest son wounded in Afghanistan, surgery for herniated disc. It has sometimes seemed like a walk from one tree to the other, buried deep in a dark forest with no real light to lead me out. I have been so caught up in the busyness of tackling the trees (the day to day tasks to just get through) that I would lose sight of the forest. Oftentimes, I failed to stop, sit, and rest on a fallen tree log and just BE in the presence of God.

This morning as I sit alone with God and write, I have an overwhelming feeling that someone reading this is going through a forest. Walking from tree to tree, trying to make it on their own, unable to see any light. Are you walking through the forest today? Has life seemed filled with one trial after another. Are the trees so thick that you can’t see any light for the forest? Perhaps, you have been so busy just trying to make it through that you have lost sight of the most important thing?

If so, my prayer for you is that you will take a moment before this day is over, to sit and just BE in His presence. Look up. There you will see the light! His Light. And we will once again be able to see the forest!

“Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going. 36 Put your trust in the light while you have it.” (John 12:35-36)

FREEDOM ISN'T FREE

2010-05-31T10:46:00.011-04:00

Freedom isn’t free. Today is Memorial Day. I have always thought of Memorial Day as a time to honor our military, but I really had no idea what that really meant. Until April 14, 2010.

My youngest son, Brent, left for Afghanistan to serve in the US Marine Corps, in March 2010. As we said goodbye that day, I prayed Psalms 91:11-12 for him. “For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. They will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.” Little did I know that God had revealed that Psalm specifically for Brent.

I had prayed that prayer every day while he was serving in Iraq the year before and felt an even greater leading to pray it for this deployment. Carl and I both had an uneasy feeling when we said good-bye. But I justified it by telling myself that “every mom has felt this way when their child leaves for war”.

Until the phone rang on April 14th. The call no parent wants to receive.

"We are sorry to have to inform you that your son, Corporal Brent Larimer, has been seriously burned in combat in Afghanistan. We do not have the details of his injuries but he is being flown out of the combat zone for medical help. We will inform you of his status as we get more information."

We began to pray. We asked everyone we knew to pray.

Though it is a bit lengthy, I wanted to post here the article of the attack, for it truly shows God's hand at work even in the most horrific circumstances..

Vol. II No. 7
The Official Newsletter Of The 1st Marine Division
May 3, 2010
Facing Danger, Overcoming Fear

SALAM BAZAAR, Helmand province, Islamic Republic of Afghanistan –

Adrenalin was rushing the morning of April 14th, 2010 as Alpha Company, 1st Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, Regimental Combat Team 2 and members of the Afghan National Security Forces approached the Salam Bazaar in Helmand province. The Marines of Alpha Company, 1/2, were tasked with securing the bazaar, known as a haven for Taliban activity, including heavy weapons and a focal point for the drug trade. All reports indicated enemy contact was imminent.

By mid-afternoon, the Marines had secured the bazaar, but things would not stay quiet for long. By the day's end, many heroic deeds would be accomplished, but the actions of one Marine would leave his fellow brothers-in-arms calling him a hero.

Staff Sgt. Robert K. Kesterson, the platoon commander for 2nd platoon, Alpha Company, 1/2, and many of his Marines were disappointed with only finding several homemade explosives and scattered amounts of drugs. They were prepared for anything. The day had dwindled down and the atmosphere was calm and controlled, the raid of the bazaar was over, or so they thought.

That's when all hell broke loose. "We started taking heavy contact from RPG, indirect, small arms and machine gun fire and an improvised explosive devise destroyed one of our vehicles," said Capt. Jeremy S. Wilkinson, the company commander of Company A, 1st Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment. "It was a pretty complex situation out there," said Kesterson, "but, with all the training we had, our reactions became second nature.

" Initially, there were no injuries until the lead vehicle, loaded with Marines, rolled over an IED. Although Kesterson was in the third vehicle, nearly 100 yards to the rear of the detonated IED, he was there in an instant. "Our vehicles received a lot of debris from the explosion," said Kesterson. "We could tell it was a big IED. Dust was everywhere and I could not see anything for what seemed like an eternity."

The lone casualty at the time was Lance Cpl. Justin Shaw, an assaultman in the squad. He had suffered a serious concussion, requiring immediate medical attention. Gunnery Sgt. Carlos Pagan, the lead vehicle commander, quickly gathered his wits, ordered his Marines to provide security around the downed vehicle, while he called for the 'medivac.' Once Shaw was carried out of the vehicle and loaded into the ambulance vehicle, Cpl. Brent Larimer, also an assaultman in the squad, jumped into the turret and began to lay down suppressive fire.

What happened next was a true test of Kesterson's courage. Kesterson, known to his men as Staff Sgt K, glanced back and saw Larimer was engulfed in flames. "When I looked back, I realized that Larimer and the vehicle were on fire," said Pfc. Shane W. Barlow, the team leader and driver of the lead vehicle. "I jumped out and ran around and saw him laying on the turret stand. He was on fire and because of the intense heat rounds were cooking off inside the vehicle." Immediately, Kesterson ran up to the truck where Larimer was and reached in, ripping him from the vehicle. Kesterson then threw himself on top of Larimer to put out the flames.

"When I saw the vehicle catch fire and a Marine was in serious trouble, that's when I jumped into the burning vehicle and pulled Cpl. Larimer out," said Kesterson, 34, from Greenberg, Tenn. "I reached in and grabbed the Marine," Kesterson said. "His left arm and left rib cage was on fire. I pulled him out and patted him down and threw dirt on him to get the fire out." Kesterson stayed with Larimer until the 'medivac' arrived. "I couldn't believe it," said Barlow. "He jumped in a burning vehicle while rounds were being cooked off, to save the life of a Marine who was burning alive. To me, the man is a hero."

But like many of the heroic deeds by Marines throughout our proud history, Kesterson was quick to downplay what had transpired. He humbly confided that he was just glad to have been in the right place, at the right time, to help a fellow Marine in need.

I believe that God honored the prayer of a worried mother and lifted her child up in the arms of an angel named Staff Sgt. Kesterson. How can I ever express my gratitude to Him?

This blog is the beginning of the story of how God has been involved in this tragic event. I have much more to share of the days and weeks after the accident. But on this day, Memorial Day, my heart goes out to all those mother's whose child didn't come home. I will be in prayer for them today. I will also thank God this day for the many men and women who make the sacrifice every day for our freedoms.

No, FREEDOM ISN'T FREE!!

KRISTI

2010-05-29T08:23:00.008-04:00

She was just about 4 pounds when she came home from the hospital, 30 years ago. She grew into a beautiful, blond haired, blue eyed young woman who loved life and always had a smile and encouraging word for those she was around. She had 2 beautiful little children, Abbie age 7 and Avery age 4. She was engaged to be married and had never been happier in her life.

Her name was Kristi and she was my niece, my sister Chery’s oldest daughter. On Wednesday, March 25, Kristi took the children to school, went to work, picked up the children, made dinner and put the children to bed. On Thursday, she woke up with a headache, had a seizure and never woke up.

For a couple of days, Kristi laid in a hospital bed kept alive only by machines. Her beautiful blue eyes didn’t shine. Her lips didn’t smile. No encouraging words were spoken from her mouth.

We called out to God. We prayed. We begged Him to let her wake up. We bargained. We shook our fists in anger at Him. We questioned “Why”. What could God possibly be thinking here, for a young vibrant mother to be taken so suddenly? But God stayed silent.

My heart broke for my sister as I watched her kiss the cheek of the child she gave life to, only to see her life slip away before her eyes. If tears could have saved Kristi, she would be here today.

After being at the hospital for three days, Chery and her husband Clay left without the child they had raised and loved for 30 years. It seemed as though God wasn’t there and didn’t care.

But when they arrived home and walked up to the front door, God spoke to them!! For on their porch light was a message from Him that wasn’t there when they left their house 3 days before.

A beautiful dove! The dove is a symbol of peace. In the bible, the dove represents the Holy Spirit, given to us by God as a comforter, when He couldn't be with us in person. Chery and Clay were desperately in need of peace and comfort. This dove was God's way of providing HIS peace. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:27). I will never understand why God didn’t grant our petition for Kristi to wake up. I cannot possibly understand His ways. But God doesn’t promise that every journey in life will be on the mountain. Only in heaven will there me no more tears. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Rev. 21:4) But God feels the hurt we experience in this life. and He WILL provide what we need to get through, until the day we will be with our loved ones forever!!

Rest in the arms of Jesus our sweet Kristi. And one day soon we will be together again!

BEWARE!

2010-05-27T16:48:00.002-04:00

When I began writing this blog, I was entering the desert called breast cancer. I felt led by God to share my journey through it. I had no idea where the journey would lead nor what would happen along the way. All I knew was that God would walk with me. I found through out the year of blogging that God not only used my words to help others, but also to help me grow closer to him through the encouraging words of those who read the blog.
Well it has been almost 6 months since finishing treatment. I haven’t blogged as often because I felt that I didn’t have much to offer since life seemed to be settling into the “new normal”.

BEWARE!! When you fail to see that God is actively working in your life, He may allow you to experience more trials, in order to teach you to be mindful of Him. I don’t know the exact reason, but over the last several months, my life has been filled with “new deserts”. Some people call it bad luck. I think that “luck” does not enter into play in the life of a Christian. All things that happen in our lives, happen for a reason.

Once again, God has directed me to write about what has happened in the last several months. As I look back on each situation, it is very clear how the hand of God was at work. And I am compelled to share it. It is my prayer once again that God will use these words for His glory. To give encouragement to those who are also walking through a desert and the knowledge that we never have to walk the journey alone!

A Picture That Says It All

2010-03-23T18:39:00.007-04:00

There are some pictures that "say it all". And for me this is one of them. It truly reflects the words to my favorite scripture. “Great is Thy Faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:23)

For His faithfulness walked me through the desert. His faithfulness continues to bring new mercies fresh every morning. He gives me each new day to do with as I choose. He provides the flowers for me to enjoy. He brings the smile that only comes from the joy of knowing Him. He blesses me with the love of my little granddaughter, Jayda. He showers me with mercies and blessings too many to name, for which I am so undeserved. Thank You, thank you Lord!

GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS LORD UNTO ME!

Hang On To The Promise

2010-03-18T17:26:00.005-04:00

What a great day this has been!

After 1 year, 2 months and 9 days, I was able to go without a scarf! I actually have enough hair. Now it’s not exactly the long flowing hair that you see on the shampoo commercials, where the models flip their heads around and slap their hair in their face, but it’s hair never the less. In fact, it has these little sticking up pieces all over, but that’s okay. A good can of hairspray will fix that. It also has a huge cowlick on the crown that mimics “Dennis the Menace” but that’s okay. There’s gel for that. It is stiff as a board but there’s conditioner for that. It is the color of a red headed squirrel but there are products for that. In the back, there is a tail, much longer than the rest of the hair. Well, there isn't a product for that but, Carl got his little mustache trimmer and tried to trim it off. I was laughing so hard that I was shaking, so the trim is not exactly straight but it’s okay.

Six products and over an hour later, I was finally ready to go out in public. (Hmmm, the scarf took about 30 seconds to put on.) Carl and I went and enjoyed a nice lunch together. The scripture from Romans kept coming to mind. "All things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28). As we ate, I thought back to a year ago; wondering what possible good could come about from losing all my hair and how devastating it seemed. But as I look back, I can say that all things DID work together for good. God brought about many, many good things that would never have been possible without the journey through the desert. He IS faithful. His promise IS true. I can tell you, (because I have experienced it), that what seems devastating, overwhelming, and impossible today, WILL in His perfect timing, bring about good in your life also.

Just hang on to the promise.

Ready for Battle

2010-03-08T13:05:00.002-05:00

This weekend we drove up to North Carolina. My youngest son, Brent, was being deployed to Afghanistan. It seemed like just yesterday he was playing war with little plastic soldiers on the living room floor. Now he is the soldier in a war across the sea. No games. The real deal.

On the way up to say goodbye, memories of him as a little child flooded my mind. He never wanted to put his hand in his food like most babies or finger paint like many toddlers. He never liked to get dirty. Now he will be lucky to shower once a week. Unlike many young children, Brent loved his sleep. Friends would complain that their 2 year old wouldn’t take a nap and Brent would sleep 3 or 4 hours. Now he will go hours and perhaps days without sleep. As a child, Brent loved to eat. Anything that came his way. Now he will eat military issued meals in a plastic bag.

But, Brent has been well prepared for the battle ahead. He has been through many months of long training. When they are not being sent off to war, they are continually preparing for battle. They practice firing their weapons, so when the time comes that they really need to shoot, they are prepared. They go through psychological training so that if they are captured by the enemy, they are as mentally prepared as possible. They are armed with the weapons they will need for the fight. Machine gun, helmet, bullet proof jackets, night goggles, steel toed boots and on and on. A full suit of armor.

Many times, the young Marines would complain about the constant training they had to do. But those who are over them; those with first hand experience in war, know that their very life or the lives of others is dependent on their training.

God wants us to be in constant training. To read His word, to study, to practice, to prepare ourselves for battle. For the battles will come. They might not be overseas. They might just be right here in our own home. An enemy named loneliness, worry, illness or disease, loss of job, loss of a home, rebellious children, aging parents....

God has given us the weapons and a full suit of armor for our battle. “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of battle comes you may be able to stand your ground. “ (Ephesians 6:13)
What will we do with them? When the time comes, will we be ready? Will we know how to use them? Our life or the lives of others could very well depend on it.

If you are in the midst of a battle right now, I encourage you to pull out the weapons God has given you for the fight. Arm yourself. Start with His Word. Open it up. Read it. Draw strength from it. You don’t have to battle alone. God is more than capable of handling any enemy that comes your way!

His Voice

2010-03-02T16:38:00.001-05:00

This morning I pulled into the parking garage of the hospital. It was about 5:30 and still dark. There wasn’t anyone in the garage. I opened my car door to get my lunch box out and all of a sudden a loud deep voice bellowed out, “Step back! You are too close to this vehicle! Step Back!

It scared me out of my skin. I turned around and noticed that the warning was coming from the vehicle next to me. There was no one in the vehicle, but apparently I got too close and there was a special alarm set to scare the fool out of anyone coming too close. After I got my heart rate back down in the normal range, I started the walk into work. There was a light, cool breeze and the smell of rain in the air.

Later in the morning, one of the little babies I was caring for, got his breathing tube taken out and we heard him cry for the first time. I immediately thought about how God speaks to us.

There are times when He speaks with a soft, gentle voice in the rustle of the breeze, in the sweet song of a little bird or in the cry of a tiny baby.

But sometimes God’s voice is like the voice that bellowed out of the vehicle in the parking lot. When we are headed in the wrong direction. When we are wandering out of His will and into areas of trouble, He shouts, “Step Back! You are too close to trouble!” The bible says His voice “shakes the desert”(Ps. 29:8), “strikes with flashes of lightning” (Ps. 29:7) and “strips the oak and strips the forests bare.” (Ps. 29:9).

Whether a gentle whisper or a loud bellow, God does speak to us. I confess at times I have chosen not to listen because it’s not what I wanted to hear. Other times I have filled my life with too much noise to hear. But, because He loves me, He still speaks. He will warn me when I am headed in the wrong direction because He loves me. He will fill my heart with joy at the cry of a tiny baby, because He loves me.

Have you heard Him today? Is He shouting a loud warning or whispering a soft “I love you”. Shhh. Listen. Hear His voice. He’s calling you by name.

The Puzzle

2010-02-23T17:22:00.005-05:00

On Sunday, I heard a devotional about puzzles and it seemed as though God was speaking directly to me. As I listened, I thought back to the weekly chemo sessions at MD Anderson. There was always a large puzzle on the table in the waiting room. There were usually many pieces upside down and scattered around the table. People would pass by and try to work on it. Carl always liked to try and fit a piece or two in while we were waiting.

I never really had the patience for puzzles. I could work them only if the box with the completed picture was right there next to it. If I couldn’t see the picture, I didn’t want to mess with it.

I thought about the times in our lives that seem like one big, uncompleted puzzle. The puzzle seems large. There are so many little pieces and they are scattered everywhere. We don’t have the picture on the box to see what it will look like when it’s finished.

Are you in a situation where the puzzle pieces seem all jumbled up? Where there seems to be way too many pieces? Where you can’t see the picture of the completed puzzle?

God has promised us that He will complete the puzzle. He sees the full picture. “Now being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you, will carry it on to completion” (Phillipians 1:6). We just have to press on, one piece at a time, trusting that when God is finished every piece will fit together perfectly and the picture will be perfectly clear.

Happy Valentines Day

2010-02-14T20:35:00.000-05:00

It’s Sunday afternoon and Valentine’s Day. The house is quiet because Carl is at a piano competition with several of his piano students. We didn’t really have a “Valentines Day” celebration as many couples are accustomed to, because it’s been a busy weekend. But the quiet gives me a chance to reflect on the holiday and what it means to me.

When we are young children, Valentines day means giving little cards to all the friends in our class. It means little “sweetheart” candies and maybe a special toy, depending on how frivolous your parents were.

As we get a little older, and begin to date, Valentines Day means teddy bears, chocolates and gifts, given as a sign of love from that special someone.

When we get married and begin to raise a family, Valentines day sometimes means rushing down to the card shop and finding a quick gift and card, rushing home to feed the kids, help with their homework, get them baths, get them in bed, followed by a tired kiss goodnight and whisper of “I Love You” to our spouse.

I can truly say that this Valentines Day holds a meaning for me that it has never held before. As I think about Carl and his love for me, I sometimes can’t understand it. I feel undeserving of his love, yet he gives it anyway. I have brought burdens to him, yet he shoulders them without complaint. I have taken my anger out on him, yet he encompasses me with kindness and understanding. In one word his love is “unconditional.

Ephesians 5:25 reads “And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church.”

This is what Valentines Day means to me this year. The reflection of Christ’s love shown through a quiet, humble man. A true gift of the heart.

Happy Valentines Day, Carl. I Love You!

God is Good All the Time

2010-02-10T17:46:00.007-05:00

I am so excited that I am actually starting to see what appears to be real hair on my head. For awhile there I wasn't sure what the chemical makeup was up there, but I was sure it couldn't be hair. I had read that I should buzz that strange new "post chemo" hair and start anew, but I just couldn't bring myself to fire up those clippers again. My good friend Petra, gave me some "magic potion" called "Chi" that helps new hair growth. I asked her if it was really called "Chia" and would it make my head look like a chia pet?

Well, it's working! Thanks, Petra! Though the top of my head isn't quite looking like a chia pet yet, it's getting there. Soon I may have to start watering it. :)

I can't wait to be done with the scarves. Although I probably have enough hair up there to go without them, there's not enough hair to keep my head warm yet. And it's downright cold this time of year. Soon though. For now, I'm just thankful to be using shampoo again.

The today show will be airing a special on Triple Negative Breast Cancer. They will be interviewing Jennifer Griffin, who is a mother of 3 and the National Security correspondent for Fox News and worked at the Pentagon until she was diagnosed with Stage 3 Triple Negative.

If you would like to know more about this type of cancer or know of someone who could benefit from watching it, it will be aired Thursday 2/11 at 8:20am Eastern Time.

"God is Good all the Time and All the time God is Good!"

Be Still And Know

2010-02-08T20:24:00.001-05:00

The most vivid memories of God’s work in our lives are usually when we were either on top of the mountain or deep down in the valley. It is at those times in our life that that we are keenly aware of His presence. When we are in our darkest moments, we cry out to the Lord for help. When we are on top of the mountain, we shout to him with joy and thankfulness.

But what about the times that aren’t the mountaintop or desert experiences? The everyday path we walk. The small joys we experience. The trials we encounter in our lives that may not be catastrophic, but are nonetheless hard to bear. Are we as aware of His presence then?

I am walking that path right now. It is not a deep dark valley or a parched desert, but even so it is a time where I really need to hear God’s voice and He has been silent. I have been praying for understanding and discernment and still had no answer.

Does that mean He is not listening? Absolutely not! He hears every word I pray. He understands my hurt and confusion. He desires to provide me with His answers. He knows my heart.

I have learned over the years, that when God is silent, He is at work behind the scenes. He wants me to take His hand and walk with Him in the meantime. He wants me to wait patiently, trusting in His perfect timing to provide the answer. His word gives us definite instruction for those times. “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalms 46:10)

Have you been waiting on God to answer a prayer? Do you feel as though His silence means that He isn’t listening to you? His word tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us. “God has said, Never will I leave you: never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5). If He promised He will never leave us, then He is surely here. We may not always know why He asks us to wait, but we can be sure He will answer in His perfect time.

So, for now, I will just “Be still and know that He is God.”

Fill My Cup Lord

2010-02-02T15:26:00.007-05:00

Life seems to have gotten very busy since coming out of the desert. In the desert things seemed almost in slow motion. Time for morning devotionals out on the front porch. One to one encounters with Him during the long treatments. Time to reflect on His glory from the backyard swing in the afternoon. Feeling His presence right next to me whenever I needed to feel Him close.

But for now, God has brought me out of the desert. Life is good. No surgeries, no chemotherapy, no radiation treatments. Back to work full time. Up at 5:00, head to the hospital and before I know it, it is 7:15 pm and I am heading home with enough energy to eat dinner and fall into bed. Days off are filled with running errands, playing for a funeral, fixing a friend’s computer, choir practice, etc. And before I know it, it’s time to head back to work again. Oh sure there is time for quick prayer and scripture in the morning, and a prayer before falling asleep at night, but not the quality time spent with the Lord that I made time for when I was walking in the desert.

But then on Saturday something happened where I really needed to feel God’s presence. I was confused and discouraged by the circumstances around me and needed His discernment. But He felt far away. Why could I not feel His presence? How was it when I was in the desert, and a situation came before me, that I felt like He was right there?

On Sunday, when the children came for children’s moment, I had a pitcher of water and a cup. I told them I was thirsty and was going to pour myself a drink of water. However, when I went to pour the water, I turned the cup upside down, so that all the water ran off the sides and nothing filled the cup. Of course, the children quickly urged me to turn the cup right side up. This time when I poured the water, the cup filled to the top. I explained to the children that God wants to fill our lives with His presence. However, when we choose to turn our cup away from Him and fill it with other things, He can’t fill us up. But if we turn our cup upwards towards Him, He will fill us with His presence and all of His blessings.

As I sat down after the children’s moment, I realized that the last week my cup had been turned away from the living water. All of the “other” things in my life had gotten in the way of my time spent with Him. I had been giving Him my “left over” time and when I really needed my cup to be full, it was empty.

Have you felt like God is far away lately? Does your life feel empty? Have you called on Him, but felt like you couldn’t hear Him speak? Does your cup feel empty?

Perhaps He has been getting your “left-over” time? Maybe your cup, like mine, has been turned downward towards the “things” of this life instead of upward towards Him. Our Father longs to fill our cup with every blessing He can possibly give to us. But He can’t do it until we turn our cup towards Him.

I pray that this simple message, shared with the children, will touch your heart as it did mine. And that your cup would once again be turned towards Him allowing Him to fill it to overflowing with His blessings and love.

"I Love You Too"

2010-01-29T08:47:00.008-05:00

My little grandson, Wyatt, is about to turn 3 years old. As a baby, he never had trouble going to sleep at night. Holly, his mom, could just put him in his crib and he would go right to sleep. He had no fears. The night didn't scare him at all. But as he has gotten a little older, he has figured out that there is a big world out there and sometimes there are things that scare him. Things that confuse him. Situations he doesn't understand.

And now, when the dark of night comes and it's time to go to sleep, his fears come to life. To compound his fears, the street light outside his bedroom window casts scary shadows on his wall. Holly put a brighter night light in his room but it didn't help. She tried to rearrange his bedroom so he couldn't see the window when he falls asleep. But he was still afraid. Finally she switched him to another bedroom and it helped somewhat.

But even after all her efforts to ease his fears, when Wyatt goes to sleep at night, he calls out from his room and says "I love you Mommy". And Holly answers back from outside his door, "I love you too, Wyatt." A few minutes later comes a little voice, "I love you Mommy." Followed by Holly's, "I love you too, Wyatt." And this continues on, over and over, for about 20 minutes until he finally drifts off to a peaceful sleep, confident his mommy is close by.

We are not unlike little Wyatt. Sometimes it seems like our world is too big. Circumstances come into our lives that we don't understand. Our problems seem big and we feel small. We feel alone. We become fearful and can't find peace or rest.

Perhaps when we are afraid of the night and our life seems cast with shadows, we could call out to our heavenly Father, "I love you Lord." Then we will hear him say "I love you too, my child." And soon our fears will be replaced with His peace and we will find sweet rest.

Those Butterflies

2010-01-26T18:41:00.003-05:00

Does God ever use the same example over and over again when He speaks to you? He certainly does me.

Today was the first follow-up visit with the oncologist, followed by a repeat mammogram. We know the routine pretty well. Review the labs. (Liver and spinach still doesn't work). But my infection fighting white blood cells are starting to come up. Examine for lumps or bumps and send you on your way with advice to call for any unusual symptoms that don't go away in a couple of weeks. What I really wanted to hear was, "Ok we've fixed the problem and there is no need for you to return here ever again." I suppose that's what anyone would like to hear from their doctor. But since we didn't hear that, I just left thankful that I wasn't coming back again in a week.

The mammogram was certainly a deja-vu experience. Same place, same lady at the check in, even the same lady who did the test as last year. As I waited to be called, a flood of memories filled my mind, of all that had taken place since being in this place last year. After the mammogram was finished, I was asked to wait while the doctor looked at it, before I could leave. After a few minutes the nurse came out and said the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. As I remembered those exact words from last year, I felt the "butterflies" again.

I have never quite understood why they move the screen away from you while they are doing the test. I guess they don't want people constantly asking them "what's that?" but I sure tried to get my neck twisted enough to see the screen. As the technician did the ultrasound she kept stopping in the same lymph node area and marking it on her machine. Then she would move to another spot and come back to the lymph node area again and stop to take more pictures. By this time the "butterflies" were definitely out in full force.

But just for a moment. For God came close. I closed my eyes to pray, but opened them again and on the ceiling, I saw the little pink bible. It was opened to the page with the little Precious Moments girl and the caption below that said "Cast all your cares on Him." And the "butterflies" were gone as quick as they came. Replaced with a warm sense of peace. In fact, I closed my eyes again and actually fell asleep during the last few minutes of the ultrasound. Soon the radiologist came in (the same one who did the test last year) and did another ultrasound himself. He said that they thought they saw something in the axillary lymph nodes on the opposite side of the cancer side, but he was not concerned with what he saw. Thank You, Lord!

Later in the afternoon, Ann called to see how the visit went, and I shared with her my disappointment in myself. That after God's speaking to me just 2 days ago about those "butterflies", that I even allowed those feelings today. And with the loving words of a Christian friend, she reminded me that I wasn't Jesus. That we are all human and struggle with doubts. I thought about how God used a little child on Sunday to speak to me about trust. Today, I wonder if He didn't see me as a little child, still needing gentle reminding. But He quickly and lovingly provided that reminder.

God doesn't guarantee Christian people a life with out trials. He doesn't promise that because we are Christians, we won't have "butterflies". He doesn't expect us to BE Him. He only wants us to learn, as a child, to be more like Him.

My prayer for you today, is that when the" butterflies" come, (and they will), that you cast those "butterflies" upon Him and experience His peace.

The Little Pink Bible

2010-01-24T16:06:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, God has to say the same thing to us in several different ways before we get the message. That happened to me today. God told me in 3 different ways that He wanted me to start writing my blog again.

I haven't written in a couple of weeks now. I could just say that I have been too busy, but that isn't entirely true. I have found that it is a strange place to be after treatment of cancer. This last week marked the anniversary of losing my mom to this terrible disease. She has been on my mind often. Thinking back over her life and the short amount of time between her cancer diagnosis and death brings occasional butterflies to my stomach. It has been one year since I was diagnosed. The statistics say this cancer will likely return within 2-3 years. I wonder when the clock actually starts ticking and that brings butterflies to my stomach. Heaviness on my heart for one of my children sometimes brings butterflies to my stomach.

So I haven't blogged. But, God reminded me today that this is His blog and he wants to speak through me even if it's about the "butterflies". One of my good friends said, "I have missed your blog. You know you don't have to be sick to blog." Then, part of the pastor's sermon spoke about sharing our faith.

But, perhaps He spoke the loudest to me during the children's moment today. One of the youngest children in our church, a sweet little girl named Skylar, came up to show me her little pink Precious Moments bible. Oh how proud she was of that bible. Though she couldn't read yet, she showed me the pictures and she just knew that the words inside were very special.

She brought her pink bible up during the children's moment. I had a small memory stick that goes into the computer and I asked the children if they knew what it was used for. Several of them knew that it was a way to store information and use it later whenever it was needed. I touched the top of Skylar's little head and said "Did you know that you have a memory stick inside here?" She looked up at me with a child's wondering eyes. I said "Skylar can I see your bible for just a minute?" She proudly shared her treasure with me. I told the children that God uses His word for us to store in our memory, so we can use it at a time we need it. As I opened Skylar's bible, it opened to a picture of a little precious moments girl and the scripture underneath said "Cast all your cares on Him." In that split second, God spoke to me through the faces of those children and that little pink bible. He whispered "Roxanne, cast all your butterflies on me and believe for yourself what you are teaching these children."

Not only did God remind me that He still has words for me to share, but that He still wants me to cast all my "butterflies" upon him. And He chose to speak through the eyes of a child with a little pink bible.

"Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you." (1Peter 5:7)

A New Year's Promise

2010-01-09T20:39:00.010-05:00

One year ago today, I officially entered the desert called "Stage 3 Triple Negative Breast Cancer." It seems almost inconceivable that one year could bring about such a tremendous change in my life. But I am not speaking solely of the physical change that cancer brought. Yes, 3 surgeries, 10 months of chemotherapy and radiation, hair loss, nausea , bone pain, etc. was physically challenging to say the least.

Our lives were wrought with emotional changes as well this last year. Entering a desert of uncertainty with a disease we were unfamiliar with, presented it's own set of challenges for Carl and I as well.

But I am speaking today of the spiritual change that has taken place in my life in the last year. For it was in the parched and dry desert that God kept me nourished me with living water. In the desert, my fears of cancer were conquered with a confidence in the power of the Great physician. I went from "my control" to "His will". I learned how to be a Mary when I had always been a Martha. I learned the difference between "His peace" and the "peace that the world offers". "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."(John 14:27).

Last week, someone asked me if I thought 2010 would be a better year than 2009. And I thought about that for awhile. In 2009, I saw the birth of two new grandchildren. I watched my youngest son step onto American soil after serving his country in Iraq. Carl and I grew closer to each other in a way that only the Lord can bring together. An ordinary friendship, developed into a spiritual bond cemented through God's love. In 2009, God led me to hundreds of new friends, both close to home and around the world, that I have been able to share my faith journey with through this blog. Carl and I have been lifted up in prayer by more people than we will ever know.

In 2009, the sky was bluer, the sun was brighter, the flowers more fragrant. The hugs of my grandchildren were longer, their laughter more contagious. The love of my husband unconditional. But most importantly, my relationship with my Lord grew much deeper and more intimate.

Often times, in 2009, I couldn't see the purpose behind God's plan. But what I know now is that, despite the desert, His plan for 2009 ultimately brought good to my life, just as He promised. "For all things work together for those who love the Lord." Romans 8:28)

I don't know His plans for 2010. I don't need to know anymore. For His love and faithfulness will be the same in 2010 as it was in 2009 and as it will be FOREVER more! "For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever." (Psalm 117:2)

Now that's a New Year's promise worth celebrating!

God's Rosebud

2009-12-31T21:52:00.006-05:00

A new minister was walking with an older, more seasoned minister in the garden one day.

Feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was asking the older preacher for some advice. The older preacher walked up to a rosebush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing off any petals. The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and ministry.

But because of his great respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to try to unfold the rose, while keeping every petal intact. It wasn't long before he realized how impossible this was to do.

Noticing the younger preacher's inability to unfold the rosebud without tearing it, the older preacher began to recite the following poem...

It is only a tiny rosebud, A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals With these clumsy hands of mine.
The secret of unfolding flowers Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so easily, But in my hands they die.
If I cannot unfold a rosebud, This flower of God's design,
Then how can I have the wisdom To unfold this life of mine?
So I'll trust in God for leading Each moment of my day.
I will look to God for guidance In each step of the way.
The path that lies before me, Only my Lord knows.
I'll trust God to unfold the moments, Just as He unfolds the rose.

I Can Do It Myself !!

2009-11-30T19:53:00.010-05:00

It has been awhile since I've had a chance to blog. Being back to work full time has been a bit of an adjustment. The Lord gives just the right amount of energy needed but not much left to spare. We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving day. I worked until 4:00 and then joined my family for dinner. Driving home from work, I reflected over the many thanksgivings in my life. I remembered being asked the question once, "What's the one thing you are most thankful for this year?" And, I thought about how much has happened in my life since Thanksgiving last year. I know I was thankful last year, but I am much more thankful this year. Am I thankful for cancer? No. Am I thankful for what God has accomplished through my cancer? YES!!! And that is the one thing I am most thankful for this year.

This Thanksgiving weekend, my little grandson Wyatt was here visiting. He is 2 1/2 and at the age called "I can do it all by myself!" Whether it be putting his shoes on, or taking them off (which is more often the case), combing his hair, or brushing his teeth he is convinced that he needs no help from anyone.

He found some stackable blocks in the toy box and began to piece them together. The first few he didn't have much of a problem with.

As he continued with the next ones, I could see him start to get frustrated. I asked him if he needed any help and he adamantly replied, "Nope, I can do it all by myself."

So I backed away and watched his little hands continue to struggle to try and fit the pieces together. It was so hard for me to sit there and watch him get more and more upset.

Finally, when he was to the point of tears, he came over and asked for help. I gladly took him into my arms, for nothing would have stopped me from helping him. And with just a little bit of help on my part, he was able to fit the pieces together. Immediately his little face turned from tears to smiles.

As I watched him run off to play, I thought how oftentimes we are just like little Wyatt. We worry over our children, we struggle over loss of jobs and financial struggles, we battle loneliness and despair to the point of tears, we worry over the "what ifs" of cancer, we work to the point of exhaustion, all because we think we can do it by ourselves. But, our loving Father, never intended for us to be worried, fearful or despairing. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10).

It must be hard for God to sit by and watch us, like little Wyatt, wait until we are to the point of tears and ready to give up, before we ask Him to help. But when we do ask, He hears our cry and nothing will keep Him from helping us. "In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. He
parted the heavens and came down." (Psalms 18:6,9).

God has reminded me through my little grandson, that he doesn't want me to struggle on my own. He doesn't want me to "do it all by myself." He longs to replace my tears with smiles. My frustration with joy and my discontent with peace. If I would only ask Him for help. How thankful I am, for the way He chooses to remind me of His love!!

The Dash

2009-11-22T19:35:00.003-05:00

On Friday, I attended the funeral of a man I loved. I called him Mr. Harry. He was 12 days shy of being 93 years old. I have known Mr. Harry for 31 years and to me he has always looked the same. He was one of the most caring people I have ever known. He had been married for 63 years. He was an incredibly hard working man who was always willing to help anyone with anything.

At his service, the pastor invited people to share stories about him. One story for me that stood out was when he helped us move into our home 10 years ago. At that time he was 83 years old. He was just going to let us borrow his truck, but he wasn't the kind of man who could just sit by and watch others work, so he started to move furniture. At 83!! I remember him picking up one end of a very heavy sofa and on the other end were my 2 teenage boys. After a minute or two, Mr. Harry said, "Boys, your end is dragging. How about picking it up so it is even with my end!"

At 93, Mr. Harry's life held many stories. On the program for his service, was written a poem and I wanted to share it here.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on the headstone from beginning to end.
He noted that first came the date of his birth and spoke of the second with tears.
But he said what mattered most was the dash between the years.

The dash represents the time spent on earth,
and now only those who loved him know what that line is worth.
It matters not how much we own, the house, the cars, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love while we are living out our dash.

If we could slow down enough to consider what is true and what is real,
and always try to understand the way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
and love the people in our lives, like we have never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile,
remember that this special dash may only last a while.
So when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash,
will you be pleased with what there is to say about the way you lived
your dash?

Only God knows the size of the dash in our lives. For some of the tiny sick babies I care for, their dash is very short, yet they still impact the lives of all those around them. Others like Mr. Harry have a very long dash of their years. But no matter the size of the dash, we will make an impact on those around us. What kind of an impact will we make? And on that day when we stand before the Lord at the end of our life, will He be pleased with how we lived out our dash?

Career Day

2009-11-18T16:40:00.005-05:00

Today, I had the nicest opportunity to go and speak to a class of 5th graders for "Career Day" I guess it's pretty evident throughout my blogs that I am very passionate about my career. In fact, I don't view it as a "career" at all, but a "calling". Though I had no idea what to expect from 5th graders, I really wanted to share with them my passion for nursing. I wanted them to be able to relate to it, to help them see that they could make a difference in people's lives if they felt led to a nursing career. That their life was filled with possibilities.

I thought that perhaps the boys would think that nursing was only a career for girls, so I started out asking them how many thought it was just for women. Most of them raised their hands. But I explained to them that not all patients were babies. Some were big adults who were too sick to be able to get around or maybe asleep from surgery. That men, too, were needed as nurses and they could be just as caring and compassionate.

I asked the children to name as many different types of nurses that they could think of. They came up with surgical nurses, pediatric nurses, school nurses, doctor's office nurses and military nurses. I wanted them to see the many possibilities open to them if that was the career path they chose.

As I continued to talk to them, I began to see the spark in their eyes. They sat forward in their desks to listen. They started raising their hands and asking questions. They shared stories of family members who had premature babies. One boy shared a story of how he was hit by a car and spent 9 days in a coma. They talked about medical shows they had seen on Discovery channel. As I looked at each of them, I saw so much potential. I hoped that they were starting to see the possibilities in their own lives.

As we left the school, a young boy named Khenley, walked us out. He talked the whole way out about a medical show he had seen on Discovery channel. As we said good-bye, I looked down at him and said "Khenley, if you want to, you can be a doctor or a nurse. You can be anything you want to be. You are definitely capable." He looked up at me and smiled and my heart was filled with joy.

Driving home, I began to pray for each of those students. That God, would guide them as he carries out the plan He has already started in their lives. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)

Sitting outside this afternoon, I was still thinking about the desire to share my passion with those children. Isn't that how God feels about us? We are His children and He is passionate about what we do with our lives. He believes in us. He speaks to us through His word. In it, He shares stories of real people that we can relate to. He shows us that no matter how young or old, how good or bad, how rich or poor, how weak or how strong, we can have a life with him. Page after page, it is filled with possibilities for our life. He looks down at us and says, "If you want to, you can life abundantly, in me."

And when we look up at Him and smile, His heart is filled with joy.

FAITH

2009-11-17T20:19:00.003-05:00

Last week, we had a study on faith. The scripture from Hebrews has been on my mind constantly. I have been doing a lot of thinking about faith. What is faith? Hebrews 11:1 answers the question in this way. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Ever since I was a teenager I have heard people say "If you have enough faith you can......(be healed, get out of debt, overcome an addiction, etc. etc). And many times as a new believer, I saw praying people, who had faith, not get their prayers answered in the way that they had asked. I always wondered if perhaps they just didn't have enough faith. If I was in an overwhelming situation, would I have enough faith to get my prayers answered? Just how much faith does it take to bend God's will?

In the desert called cancer, I finally learned the answer to my questions.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for." What do I hope for? Well, to be honest, I hope this chemo worked. I hope the cancer doesn't come back. I hope I get to see my sweet Jayda walk down the aisle in her wedding dress and little Logan graduate from high school. But I can't be sure of that. For I don't know God's will for my life. I can't bend His will. Nor do I want to. In the desert, I learned that "God's ways are higher than my ways, His thoughts higher than my thoughts." When I gave my control over to Him and surrendered to His will for my life, my hope then became placed in Him alone. I hope that no matter what turn the journey road takes, He will walk with me each step of the way. My faith allows me to be sure of it.

The other half of the scripture says "Faith is being certain of what we do not see." During the children's time Sunday morning, I used a few illustrations to help them understand this concept.
Take the telephone, for example, I can pick it up and talk to someone half way across the country. I don't understand how it works, but I know it does. I don't understand how I can talk to God who is in Heaven and He can talk back to me but I know He does.
A bottle of medicine. How does it know exactly where to go and what to do when it gets there? I have no idea. I just know it does. I don't understand how God can heal the deepest hurt and pain in my life, but I know He does.
I have no idea how Carl can sit in a chair with a remote control and control the TV from across the room . Neither do I understand how God can sit on His throne in Heaven and control everything here on earth. I don't understand it, but I know that He is in control.

Even though these are simple examples, they so clearly illustrate faith. I can't see God. I can't understand His plan. I can't bend His will. And sometimes that's really tough. Perhaps His healing is not a physical healing, but a healing of the heart. Perhaps overcoming an addiction, first requires, cleansing the soul before cleansing the body. Perhaps getting out of debt, first requires losing all we have in order to to realize that He is all we need.

Faith is not measured in amounts. It is not about believing hard enough to get what we want. It is simply placing our hope in His perfect plan for our lives, and being certain that, even though we can't see it now, His plan is far better than our plan.

A Glimpse of God

2009-11-12T21:39:00.003-05:00

Everyone once in awhile, sometimes when you are least expecting it, you get a glimpse of God. That happened to me today.

I went back to work on Monday after being out for chemo and radiation. I work in the NICU as an RN. The NICU, like many ICU's is a very high tech place. Lots of machines, tubes, wires, monitors, pumps and alarms. And, almost hidden in the midst of it all, lies a very sick little baby.

Today, one of my babies, who had surgery yesterday, started to furrow his little brow and cry. I quickly got him some pain medication and started infusing it. While I was waiting the few minutes for it to take effect, I put my hand on his little forehead to comfort him. (He was too sick to pick up and hold). I leaned in close to his face and spoke softly to him. I prayed for God to quickly take away his pain, comfort him and heal him so he could go home to his mommy and daddy where he belonged. As I spoke to him, he opened his big dark eyes, stopped crying and looked right into my heart.

And in that very moment, I caught a glimpse of God. In the midst of all the wires and tubes and noise, was a new life, sent straight from heaven. God had created this new life. "For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb." (Psalm 139:11) He knows the plans he has for his life. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) God holds this baby close to His heart. "And He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them." ( Mark 10:16)

Tears of thankfulness began to flow. I was so thankful to be God's hands today to comfort this child. To be His voice to pray for him. And thankful for being able to witness the almighty, powerful God through the eyes of this fragile little baby.

God is not a God who sits upon a big gold throne in the sky, far removed from His people. He is right here in our midst. He longs for us to notice Him. Maybe it's a butterfly landing on a leaf, a colorful rainbow in the sky, the opening of a new rosebud, the laughter of a child. Or perhaps it is through the eyes of a sick little baby.

Have you witnessed a glimpse of God lately? If not, watch closely. Look for Him. He is here, just waiting for us to notice Him.

Where Are You?

2009-11-07T09:54:00.007-05:00

The last couple of days have brought sadness and questions for many, many people. On Thursday, a gunman opened fire on innocent young men and women at Fort Hood army base, getting ready to deploy to Iraq. 13 people died and 43 were injured. These young people had chosen to serve their country. They were unarmed. They had done nothing wrong. They were simply the victims of someone else's anger.

Less than 24 hours later, an armed gunman, in our own city, walked into a business and opened fire on unsuspecting victims as they worked at their desks. They had done nothing wrong. The gunman had been fired from his job and took his hurt and anger out on innocent people.

Where are you, God? Are you here? We can't see you.

We are alot like little Wyatt with these glasses on. We can't understand the ways of God anymore than Wyatt can understand algebra. "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12).

But one day, Wyatt will understand algebra. And one day, we will see and understand God's plan. Without faith, it would be so easy to believe that God is not in control. But He is here. He feels the pain, He understands the sadness. He alone knows the reasons why. He IS HERE in the midst of it all.

There are so many people that cross our path in a day's time. Are they hurting? Do they feel so unloved that they feel the need to hurt others? Can I make a difference?

Oh Lord, Sometimes we can't see you. We don't always understand. Help us to trust your word that you are always here with us. That you are in control of everything that happens and one day we will see you clearly. Lead us, Father, to love more deeply, forgive more quickly, and take the time to notice those around us who are hurting. Show us, Lord, how we can make a difference. Amen

HOLD TIGHT

2009-11-05T16:35:00.009-05:00

Carl has started walking on the treadmill everyday. It has been good for his sugar levels and I'm sure for his overall health. He walks anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour depending on his schedule. Each day I see him walk, I think, "I'm going to walk today, too." I used to be an avid walker, walking 2-3 miles every morning before work. Now when I get on the treadmill, it's a chore to walk 15 minutes. I am "spent" when I finish and don't have the energy for the rest of the day.

Yesterday, was one of those mornings. I tried to walk and after about 10 minutes I was out of breath and too tired to continue. Feeling a bit frustrated with my slow "return to normal", I went in, got showered, checked for any new lumps or bumps (as is my daily routine anymore) and prepared to go to Wednesday morning bible study.

Driving to the church, I kept thinking about the days when I would go out and walk a couple of miles, work 12 hours and come home with energy to spare. The more I dwelt on those days, the more discouraged I became. So, I wasn't really in a great frame of mind for bible study, and actually thought about going back home and sitting out on the swing and having my own bible study. But I'm glad I didn't.

The scripture verse for the study came from Hebrews. Though it encompassed many verses, one in particular jumped off of the page at me . "Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise." (Hebrews 10:23) Immediately I thought of my morning discouragement.

I pictured myself climbing a high rope, one of those that you climb at the fair, or on an obstacle course. If you make it to the top and can ring the bell, you win the prize. As I start the climb, I have a good strong grip and the first section of the rope seems easy. The higher I climb, the harder it is to hang on. My hands are getting tired. And soon, I take my eyes off of the prize at the top and look down and begin to waver. That's where I start to get into trouble. When I look back. I realize, that while I was busy looking back at "where I was", I had loosened my grip.

"God can be trusted to keep His promise." From the beginning of time, throughout every word of the bible, God has never broken a promise. I, on the other hand, have broken more promises in my life than I even care to think about. Why then, would I waver, take my eyes off of Him and put them on myself? God's promise is not about "what I used to do" or "where I have been", but where He wants me to be today. In right relationship with Him.

Isn't it like that for so many of the difficult ropes we must climb during our life? At first, we are strong. Our grip is tight. Our faith is solid and we believe God's promise that He will help us make the climb.We look up and keep our focus on Him.

But as the climb gets higher, our bodies get tired and our grip gets weaker. We, too often, take our eyes off of God. We start to wonder if His promise to get us through is really true. We look down at where we have been instead of looking up to where He promises to take us.

But God's faithfulness is great. When we slide back and loosen our grip, all we have to do is look up again. Not only, will He give us a new strength for the climb, But He will climb with us, hand over hand, until one day we reach the top and claim the prize of a faithful follower!

Behind The Mask

2009-11-02T10:34:00.017-05:00

I love Halloween. I think because it's such a fun time for the children. I love the excitement in the eyes of the children when they talk about who they're going "to be" for Halloween.

I loved spending trick or treating time with my grandchildren.

This year, I was keenly aware of how blessed I was to be able to enjoy this holiday with them. I was literally drawn into the magic with them.

Watching my children get their children ready for trick or treating.

Laughing as baby Cooper kept tearing his hat off while Eric and Katy quickly tried to get a picture.

Watching them go out in their costumes and collect their candy. And then look in their little halloween bags and take a quick inventory each time they received a new piece. I found myself taking in every moment and treasuring it, wishing it could last all night.

When the night was over and the children were asleep, their little bellys full of candy, I thought about the magic of Halloween. What is it that makes it so fun?Why do children (and adults for that matter) love to dress up and become someone different than themselves. The older kids especially love the costumes with masks, because they can hide behind them and not be recognized for who they really are.

I told the children of our church a story about a little boy who discovered, while trick or treating, that his neighbors didn't recognize him behind his mask. So he thought he would cause some trouble. He kicked to pieces their pumpkins and knocked over their lawn chairs. He continued to do lots of bad things that night because behind his halloween mask, he was safe. Then he remembered the words of his parents about how God made us, loves us and will always recognize us. Even though his neighbors didn't recognize him, God knew who he was.

Sometimes that's how it is with us. No, we don't kick over decorations and openly commit acts of disobedience but we often put on one face for others when, "behind the mask" we are not the same person at all. We do and say things that are just as displeasing to God as the acts of this little boy. A co-worker gets a promotion and we act happy for them, when "behind the mask" (in our hearts) we are jealous. We go to church on Sunday, pleased with ourselves, and on Monday we are yelling at the driver in front of us who cuts us off in traffic. We put money in the offering plate for others to see and then ignore the homeless person on the corner. We open the bible on Sunday morning and then read novels and watch movies during the week that we wouldn't watch in the presence of God. We are patient with our friends and quick to find fault in our spouses.

But God sees behind the mask we wear. "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1Samuel 16:7) He sees who we really are. He also sees who we can be. If we allow Him to search us "behind the mask" and are open to His molding and changing us, He will make it so no longer have to hide. "Search me, O God, know my heart and test me. "(Psalms 139:23).

Halloween is over for another year. The make-up faces are washed clean. The candy is rationed out so there will be no upset tummys. The little trick or treaters are fast asleep. But this Halloween has been unlike all others for me. For God has planted a yearning in my heart, to allow Him to search me and test me so that when He looks at my life, I don't have to hide "behind the mask."

Just Waiting For You To Come To Me

2009-10-28T17:03:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, we had a follow-up appointment with my oncologist. I had been apprehensive for several weeks about this visit. Although I love my doctor, I never like going for that appointment because I always end up coming out feeling discouraged and out of "control". (Uh-Oh. There's that word again)

At this appointment, I was to discuss whether or not I wanted to be scanned to see how chemotherapy worked for me. I have written in my blog before, that my doctor was not in favor of having scans because there was no other chemotherapy to offer than what I had already been given. He advised to wait for any symptoms that would indicate that it had spread and scan at that time. The medical person in me had a hard time with that. I am so used to using all the tests available in medical situations and knowing exactly where the condition stands at any given time. But, my doctor, respecting my position, said that he would do whatever I felt comfortable with. He would offer his recommendations, but would leave the decision up to me. Hence, the constant prayer before I went in. I had asked the Lord to give me discernment and peace about the appointment and specifically about the scans .

As I was in prayer Sunday evening, God reminded me of the words I had shared in my testimony that morning. I spoke of how God had taught me in the desert to give my "control" to Him. And when I finally did that, I experienced an incredible freedom! As I prayed about the doctor's appointment, that word "control" just kept coming to mind.

Tuesday morning, I told Carl, I had come to a decision and truly did have a peace about it. I had decided that God had chosen Dr. Baidas specifically for me. In fact, he had chosen each and every medical person on this journey. He had placed me at the excellent MD Anderson cancer center. His hand had been in control of my care from the very beginning. I would continue to trust Him now, to know when I would need to have those scans.

At the appointment, Dr. Baidas did a thorough exam and found nothing that immediately concerned him. He said he would see me in three months and that I should not hesitate to call him if I noticed anything out of the ordinary before that. I did not ask for any scans.

As we walked outside and I looked up at the beautiful blue sky, I once again experienced that incredible freedom that comes from having given the "control" to Him. It was as though God was saying, "I was just waiting for you to come to me." As Carl took my hand, I felt like I could float away. No scans, no tests, no labs, a much needed break for both of us!

Later that evening, I picked up our granddaughter Jayda from cheer practice. We went home and ate dinner and waited for Carl to finish teaching. After he finished, the three of us went to Eric's softball game. About half way through the game, little Jayda was standing up against the fence, and Carl, who was sitting in the bleachers, said, "Jayda, I have been with you for a long time tonight and I haven't even gotten my hug yet." Little Jayda looked up at him and quickly replied, "Well, I was just waiting for you to come to me." And with that, Carl jumped down, lifted her into his arms and she smothered him with love.

How like our Lord, was this sweet little child. He never pushes. He never rushes. He just quietly and patiently waits for us to come to Him. And when we do He lifts us into His arms and cover us with His love!

LOOKING BACK

2009-10-27T15:22:00.007-04:00

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” (Hosea 2:14)

"Because of your great compassion, you did not abandon them in the desert." (Nehemiah 9:19)

"Till the spirit is poured upon us from on high and the desert becomes a fertile field." (Isaiah 32:15)

Last Thursday night and then again on Sunday, I was given the chance to share my testimony to what God has done in my life since starting on this journey. I have tried to do that on the blog all along, but there are many who don't have access to a computer and hadn't heard my story.

But, I didn't know where to start. How could I express in 20 minutes the incredible work God has done since last December? So many examples of His hand in my life, His grace and His strength in the desert. How could I find the words? And the Holy Spirit softly whispered, "I will give you the words." What a tremendous blessing for me to stand and share aloud God's great faithfulness.

In preparation for sharing, I spent much time "looking back". Reliving the time spent in the desert over the last year. I went back and read many of the blog posts along the way. I thought about the first ultrasound findings and how terrified I was. About the very powerful devotion God gave to me entitled "The Purpose of the Desert" that outlined what He would be doing in my life for the next year and beyond.

I looked back at all the people that God had placed in my path both through the blog and in everyday circumstances. The fears, the tears, the "what if's", the ups and downs all along the way. The many people who have touched my life and lifted me up in prayer.

But most of all, looking back, I saw how God has totally changed my life through this desert. I saw my relationship with Him when I entered the desert (which I thought was pretty good) and the depth of my relationship with Him now. How He taught me, through it all, to be dependent on Him for everything in my life.

Last December, if God had told me what my desert would be and given me a choice in the matter, I know I would have said “No Way”. You have the wrong person here. I can’t do that!"

There is a story about a man who died and spent a day in heaven. The next day the angel came and said “there was a mistake and you shouldn’t have died yet.” If you would like, you can go back to earth and live out the rest of your days. But the man had experienced being in the presence of the Holy God and he knew that he could never be happy going back.

And today, looking back, I can only say, "Thank You Lord for not giving me a choice!!"

One..Two..Three...

2009-10-24T10:04:00.006-04:00

My blog has been quiet for a few days. I have been recovering from vacation and resting. I am getting my strength and energy back each day. Now I don't take a shower and desire to go back to bed. Each day is better and better. And I have eyelashes back!! WooHoo. (It's the little things sometimes:)

I have also been given the opportunity to share my testimony about what God has been doing along this journey. I have spent alot of time in prayer and preparation because it is soo important to me that the words that are shared are His words and not mine. That the presentation would be about Him and not about me because it's "just not about me."

God has given me so many new internet friends along this journey who share the common bond of breast cancer. Even though I have never met them in person, the relationships become very strong through time spent in constant communication. When they hurt I hurt, when they jump a hurdle or pass a milestone, I rejoice with them. It is awesome to me how you don't have to see a person face to face to love them. (Isn't that how it is with our relationship with Christ?) We don't see Him face to face but He is a friend who is always there, hurting with us in hard times, rejoicing with us in our good times, loving us always.

This morning, I wanted to ask for prayer for one such friend and sister fighter, that I have met on the internet. Debi has courageously wrestled with the breast cancer alligator, but, lost her battle last night. She leaves a wonderful and supportive husband, Scott (Gasketman), and two beautiful daughters. I wanted to share Scott's post this morning.

One.....Two.....Three..... (by Gasketman)

The Alligator's down for the count Debi's Won!!!!!! Debi snatched defeat right from under the Alligator's greedy snout on October 22, 2009 at 7:43 pm. She leaves the wrestling ring dignified, undefeated and has decided to retire from Alligator Wrestling. Now she is making her home in Heaven, where she has chosen her perfect body, hair style and is enjoying some quality time with her father.

Debi steps onto the shaded wood deck of her newly remodeled mansion and pours her first glass of red wine in over 23 months. The mansion she chose is on the lake, encircled by grandiose cliffs that provide a back drop for her serene little meadow surrounded by trees in her own little slice of heaven, where she can see the glorious sunsets. Debi grabs her favorite Fennwick rod and Sumano fishing reel and sits on the porch as she casts her line into the glassy blue water of her own personal dream lake and enjoys a glass of her favorite Yellow Tail Shiraz wine from Australia and rests from her Championship Wrestling Match.

Debi retires with the memories of two wonderful girls ages 10 and 16 years old, and the support of one tireless side-kick( Gasketman ). She enjoyed 18,254 sunrises and now she is enjoying an eternity of sweet smelling breezes, silver lined clouds, magenta skied, golden gilded sunsets in her own heavenly mansion.

As you read this, could you lift up this beautiful family in prayer? That they may receive God's strength and peace that will continue in their lives until they all meet again.

Enjoy your heavenly sunset, Debi and know that you are loved!

Springs of Living Water

2009-10-19T00:46:00.017-04:00

When Carl and I were on vacation in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee last week, we decided to go on a short hike to a waterfall. My sister Chris, brother-in-law Paul and my niece Jenna went with us. It was a beautiful day and as soon as we started on the trail, it was impossible not to feel God's presence.

We started out at the bottom of the path with enthusiasm and plenty of energy for the journey. We knew that when we reached the top we would be rewarded with the sight of a beautiful waterfall. Even from the beginning of the hike, we were able to hear the sound of water. At times we could see it trickling down from the side of the mountain. Other times we could see the stream rushing along the rocks.

And other times we couldn't see the water at all, but were able just to hear it. But we always knew it was near.

When we got tired we stopped to rest. As we walked along we met other hikers, traveling the same path, headed to the same destination. We stopped several times to admire God's beauty in the many colors of the leaves and His magnificent power in the natural chiseling of the mountain rock that has occurred over thousands of years.

We came across a huge log that crossed our path and several rocks along the way that made our journey more difficult,

but always, we were able to hear the water.

Finally we reached the end of our journey and witnessed God's majesty and beauty in the waterfall. We went behind the water and stood in an area carved out in the mountain rock. Standing atop the mountain, next to the waterfall and listening to the mighty sound of the rushing water was an incredible experience.

I thought about how similar this hike was to the difficult journeys we face in our lives. When we trust in Him to make the journey through the desert, He always provides us water. His living water. He gives us a place to rest when we tire.

He provides friends and family to lift us up and strengthen us along the way.

He leads us to people who are also walking through the desert. Sometimes we can lift them up and other times they will lift us up. We come across obstacles that block our path and many times force us to take a different direction. But His water, like His love, is always there for us. Sometimes we see it right next to us and other times we can only hear the sound. But it is always there. And He has promised that one day, when our journey is complete and we land on the other side, there will be no more tears or sorrow and we will forever enjoy the "springs of living water."

"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." (Revelation 7:17)

His Glory and Majesty !

2009-10-13T08:45:00.025-04:00

Carl and I took the opportunity to go on a fall vacation to the Smoky mountains in Tennessee and North Carolina this week. We left on Saturday and drove to a place called Dillard House in Dillard, Georgia. We enjoyed a marvelous country dinner and stayed overnight in their quaint little inn.

We awoke Sunday morning to the call of a rooster.

The air was cool and crisp as we walked around the plantation. God's majesty was evident all around us. We enjoyed a huge country breakfast and headed on to Gatlinburg Tennesse.

On the way we passed a small country church where people were inside in worship. In addition to the cars in the parking lot, some had come by way of horses. Church the mountain way. Not a sight we would see in the city.

I have never been to the mountains in the fall and the colors are absolutely spectacular. The higher in elevation we got, the more orange, red, yellow and golds we saw in the leaves.

We stopped by the roadside to collect some leaves and send them to Jayda, our little granddaughter, who is learning about the change of seasons.

We stopped by to visit our friends Laurie and Evelyn in their mountain cabin and then headed on to Gatlinburg.

The little town of Gatlinburg is decorated for fall and we walked around taking in the sites.

We have been to the mountains several times before. But this year, every site seems magnified. The sky is bluer. The colors are more vivid. It's as if God has said, "I have set all of this before you for your pleasure. My gift to you. Enjoy."

Has He said that to me in years past and I have taken it for granted? God has shown me over the last year that tomorrow is not guaranteed. What I have is today. And this day, He has provided His love, His Glory and His Majesty for me to enjoy!

"Thank You Almighty God!"

Oh Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. (Psalm 8:1)

The Angel Bear

2009-10-08T16:45:00.007-04:00

In September of 2006, I went into the hospital for abdominal surgery. I had been sick for about nine months before that with ulcers and all of the medications they tried did not heal them. So I had part of my stomach and small intestine removed to get rid of the ulcers.

About two days after the surgery, I was walking, very slowly, in the hallways pulling my IV pole. I passed by a pretty young lady about 16 years old who was also walking. As I passed by I jokingly said, "I'd have a race with you, but you would leave me in the dust." I noticed that she had a little stuffed "angel bear" hanging from her IV pole. I commented on how cute it was and she told me one of her friends from school had given it to her. She told me she was in the 11th grade in high school and was on the soccer team and in the band. She was also battling a type of colon cancer for which she had just had surgery to remove a tumor. She was a happy, positive, outgoing young person and she was a joy to talk with. After visiting in the hallway for a few minutes, she said she had to get back to her room because several of her friends from school were coming in to visit. As I watched her walk down the hall, I whispered a prayer for her healing.

Two days later, Carl and I went for a walk downstairs to the hospital cafeteria. When I came back to my room, there on my bedside table sat the little "angel bear". Next to it was a note written on a paper towel. It said "I wanted to give you my "angel bear". I won't be needing it now. I am going home and hope to be back in school next week. Good luck to you." As I looked at the bear closely, it didn't look like a new store bought bear. I wondered if possibly someone had passed it on to her and it came with its own story.

I hung the angel bear on my IV pole and it stayed there until I went home where he then sat on my nightstand. I felt like God wanted me to pass it on, and I was just waiting for Him to show me the right time and right person.

A few weeks later, I went to visit a young woman that I have known since she was a baby. Her name was Jennifer. She was 30 years old. She was full of spunk from the time she was born. She was an awesome mother who loved her children with a passion. After the birth of her third baby, Keaton, she just didn't bounce back to health. Her blood counts weren't normal. She was very tired. After much testing she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of colon cancer.

But, she was a fighter and she pushed through, doing all she could to see that her daughter Darcyne and son Daynin got settled into a new house and a good school. All along caring for baby Keaton as she grew weaker and weaker. I so admired Jenny and her determination and fighting spirit.

Chemotherapy weakened Jenny and she was admitted to the hospital. When I went to see her I saw how very sick she was and again witnessed her incredible inner strength. After visiting her, I knew that God wanted me to pass on the "angel bear" to Jenny. The next day I gave her the bear. And we cried and we prayed and we read from the bible. Oh how I came to love Jenny.

On Christmas Eve, Carl and I went with Pastor Steve to serve communion to Jenny in her bed. The "angel bear" was there. It was a Christmas Eve that will forever be etched in my memory. A short time later Jenny flew into the arms of Jesus. She left the "angel bear" here for she is in the company of ten thousand angels now.

This past Sunday, Jenny's grandmother brought a small bag to church and handed it to me. She said "I thought you might like to have this." When I opened the bag, there was "the angel bear"! Tears spilled onto the soft fur and the pink silk wings as I thought about how God was using this little "angel bear".

But isn't that how God's love is? Ongoing. From the beginning of time through eternity. One day I will be in the company of ten thousand angels visiting with Jenny and all those who I have loved that have gone before me. But until then, I will share His love with as many people as I can.

And so it is with little "angel bear." I don't know how many lives it has touched or how many it will touch, but God does. He knows where it started and He knows where it will go next. For now, it will sit on my nightstand, waiting for God to show me who He wants me to pass it on to. And the Father's love goes on and on and on.

Why Boys Need Parents

2009-10-07T08:02:00.005-04:00

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love children. All children.

But truth be known, I am partial to little boys. I have 2 sons and a daughter and I
have learned over the years it is much easier to raise boys than girls. Girls come with much drama. They are best friends with someone one day and enemies the next. Girls can go from laughing hysterically to crying uncontrollably in a matter of minutes. Their perfectly good morning can be ruined when the curling iron fails to turn on. They are rather "high maintenance".

But, little boys are what they are. "What you see is what you get". Pure and simple. If they get mad about something they let everyone know, but usually get over it quickly. They get dirty and smell sweaty. They get scraped and bruised. They collect bugs and climb trees. They take risks. They enjoy life wholeheartedly! But they DO need their parents.

A friend sent me this e-mail and I liked it so much I wanted to share it. For those of you who have little boys now (Sara you will like this) and those of us who have raised our little boys, these pictures certainly tell the story of

WHY LITTLE BOYS NEED PARENTS

Hope these little guys brought a smile to your face. Enjoy your day wholeheartedly !!

The Master Craftsman

2009-10-05T09:48:00.005-04:00

The piano is an integral part of our home. Carl is a piano teacher and the sound of our piano starts at about 7:30 in the morning and continues until about 8:00 at night, with a quiet time in the mid-day while the children are in school. (Thank goodness)

Our piano is a baby grand so the top is open and the students are able to see the soundboard and the long strings inside. Often times I overhear Carl teaching the children about the inner workings of the piano and how they are made.

Although our piano is not a Steinway, you may have heard the name before. The Steinway is known as one of the finest pianos in the world. I read a story about how the Steinway pianos are made and thought I'd share it.

It takes over a year to make one Steinway; each piano has always been made from scratch. The soundboard is stretched to its maximum tolerance and allowed to sit for an extended period until it remains in the curved design. This is done in an off-to-the-corner part of the plant. If the wood were alive, it would be crying out for mercy. After an extended time of stretching, the wood will never spring back to its original state. It is permanently changed. The piano is becoming a fine-tuned instrument.

After this process takes place, the next step requires another point of stress. It takes 11 tons of pressure on a piano to tune it. Each step in the process moves the piano closer to a finished product that will ultimately be played by the world's finest musicians. These musicians desire a particular sound that only a piano like this can make.

We are much like the Steinway piano. God sees in us a finely tuned instrument. But we must be stretched. In order to be stretched we must make journeys into the desert. We must endure tremendous pressure. It is often times very painful to be stretched. We sometimes feel as if we will break. But the Lord knows that it is necessary in order for us to become the beautiful instrument that He wants us to be.

Are you going through a desert right now? Do you feel as though you have tons of pressure on you and you may break? Are you going through the painful process of being stretched? If so, I pray that you might know that God is the master craftsman and He is at work in your life. He is preparing you to make beautiful music. Hang on to Him. And when He is finished you will be pleased with the instrument He has fashioned and will sing out a sweet song and forever be changed.

SURVIVOR

2009-10-03T13:13:00.005-04:00

October is "Breast Cancer Awareness" month. Many of the stores are selling pink ribbon products to raise awareness. When Carl and I were in a grocery store last week, I saw a pink ribbon car magnet and on it was printed the word "SURVIVOR".

When I saw it , I thought, "I think that means me. I think I am now called a survivor." Funny, I have been finished with treatment for a week now and this is the first time I have thought about being a survivor.

I spent some time thinking about that word. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, being a survivor simply meant making it through chemo and radiation and getting on with life. But when do you call yourself a survivor?, I wondered. I remember hearing very early after being diagnosed, that you are a survivor the day you are diagnosed. With a stage IIIB , TNBC desert looming in front of me, I had a hard time grasping that concept. I asked myself, "when will I truly feel like a survivor?" When I've made it through surgery? Chemo? Radiation? One year out? Two years out? Five years out? I shared those feelings with my good friend Ann one morning. Later that evening, I received this beautiful e-mail from her.

Dear Roxanne,
You are a survivor each day you awake to God's grace anew. And when your final days come many years from now and you awake to God's Holy arms and His beautiful face, you are a survivor then too. For you have lived on this Earth, battled with Satan's powers, and left a legacy of love, faith and grace. Fight on my dear friend and survivor! Blessings and God's strength for each new day. Ann

Today, after spending 10 months in the desert, the word survivor has a much different meaning for me than it did in the beginning. Before the journey, being a survivor meant "all about me, and what I would do". After the journey, I have learned it is "all about Him and what He will do".

Being a survivor means being brought to our weakest point and learning that His strength is all we need.

Being a survivor is when your self will becomes His will.

You are a survivor when you walk out of the desert beside Him instead of in front of Him.

YES! I am a survivor. But NOT because of anything I have done. For without God's grace and mercy fresh every morning, I would not have made it through. Apart from Him I can do nothing.

And I pray, with all my heart, that whatever trial or battle you are facing right now, that you can know God's fresh new mercies and grace each morning. That as you travel through your desert, you can trust that He walks with you each step of the way and that He WILL bring you out.

And when He walks us out, we will truly be called "SURVIVORS" !

Embrace These Times

2009-09-30T14:56:00.003-04:00

I shared a bit in my last blog about what a strange time this is for me. It is difficult to describe in words. It is not disturbing, just unsettling. Since finishing treatment and all the busyness that surrounds that, it has been a very quiet time. I know that it is a time to rest and heal from the journey through the desert. I know that it is not possible physically, right now, to go and do like I did before. But this uneasy feeling wasn't coming from that.

As I thought about it, I realized that for so long, my purpose has been spent trying to share what God was doing in me and through me on this journey. And now I am coming out of the desert and I ask myself, "What next?" I even wondered if God would still give me words to share on my blog.

It seems like I am wandering around in the dark with a blindfold on, being led by God to a place I don't know. I think my reliance upon Him, these last few days, has been every bit as strong, as any time during this journey.

"What is your purpose for me now, Lord? Will you have words for me to share? Will you still be able to use me?, I prayed.

Then, I began my morning devotions and read these words from Os Hilman,

Joshua was known for almost 40 years as "Joshua, servant of Moses." God's preparation for him required years of selfless service, training in the desert, and tests of faith. Those preparation years were booster rockets designed to move Joshua into each new stage of his development and his ultimate calling.

God allows each of us preparation times to lay a foundation that He plans to build on. Some of those foundation times appear to be laborious and meaningless, yet these experiences are what God is using to frame your life for the message He plans to speak through you. Without these experiences, the Jordan River can never be crossed and we cannot enter the Promised Land. Embrace these times of seeming inactivity from God. They, too, are a rocket booster to your next stage of your walk with God.

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6).

As I began to read this morning's devotional, tears filled my eyes. For, I knew after reading the first sentence, that God was speaking directly to me. By the time I finished, I was on my knees in humble gratitude for God Almighty hearing and answering my prayer.

Heavenly Father,
I look forward to what you will do in the "next stage" of my life. For I know you will complete the work you have begun in me. But for now, in this stage, I will "embrace" this time. I will surround, encircle and enclose myself in your loving arms. Thank you for holding me while I wait on you.
Amen

Doing Something

2009-09-28T09:17:00.007-04:00

It's Monday and there will be no going down to MD Anderson for anything. No radiation, no doctor visit, no labs. Nothing. It's a strange feeling. For the last 9 months, a part of nearly everyday, was spent "doing something" to get rid of the cancer. Somehow there was security in that. Today, I feel like I should be "doing something". Like if I go back down and have another treatment it will keep it from coming back.

I remember the feeling after I graduated from nursing school. Every day was spent reading textbooks, studying, writing papers, going to clinicals at the hospital. When I graduated, I felt "free" for a day or so. Glad to be finished. But, after a few days, I felt like I should be "doing something". Studying, reading, writing. Something that would make me a better nurse.

Today, I have the same feeling. Like I should be "doing something".

And, then the Holy Spirit speaks softly to me. Gentle, words of warning. "I" can be a dangerous word. "Doing something" is a phrase that could be trouble. My eyes fall on the card that Ann gave me on my last day of radiation. In it she wrote " Let not worries fill your heart or anxiety take over your soul. But trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." There is no "I" in that scripture. God wants me to lean on Him and trust Him.

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10) There is no "doing something" in those words.

And so I will sit in the swing, taking in His Holy presence, listening to the sweet song of the birds, enjoying the aroma of the gardenia flowers on the fence, basking in the warmth of the morning sunshine. Trusting Him for all my tomorrows. That is exactly what He wants me to be doing.

GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!!

2009-09-24T18:57:00.008-04:00

Great is thy faithfulness. Day after day after day. Today, 276 days after discovering a lump that turned out to be cancer, God has brought me out of the desert.

Today was the last day of treatment. Three surgeries, 7 months of chemo. 7 weeks of radiation, and today was the last.

I came out of the changing room and walked down the hallway, as I have every day for the last 7 weeks, but this time, at the end of the hallway, there were many special people waiting to share my joy. Carl and our good friend Deloris. Ann, Nadine and Nancy came over from work, along with Bentley, our NICU chaplain.

My oldest son, Eric came with Katie and baby Cooper. My son Brent and his wife Sabrina had just arrived from North Carolina the night before and they were there along with my grandsons Lincoln and baby Ches.

In my excitement, I walked into the radiation room and started to get on the table, when Jared, the therapist said, "Wait! You forgot your blanket. We can't do this without your blanket." And he was right. My quilt has gone with me to every surgery, chemo, radiation and doctor's visit since the beginning. I couldn't do the last treatment without it. So, I went back out, got the quilt and they covered me with it one last time.

Little did I know that while I was on the table, my therapists Jared, Dennis and Therese were snapping pictures with my camera. They made radiation fun every day. And I will always be grateful to them for their kindness, smiles and good humor.

When I finished the treatment we went out to ring the bell. As my friends and loved ones gathered around I rung that bell just as hard as I could pull three times. We all came together and Bentley had a beautiful prayer.

Although, today's events are a bit out of sequence, I wanted to end today's post with the cross.
When the treatment began and that wonderful cross overhead came into view for the last time, tears began to flow. Every emotion that I felt was expressed in that little cross etched in the ceiling. Without the cross of Jesus, I would not have been made it through the desert. That cross has provided me with strength to go on when my strength was gone. That cross has given me wonderful husband, family and friends who have lifted me up in prayer. It has given me forgiveness, when I have doubted. That cross has carried my burdens, when the load was too heavy. It has been a reminder every single day of His love and great faithfulness to me.

At the close of this special day, I will be on my knees praising God for what He has done in me and through me on this journey.

And if I am given a new morning, I will place my hope in Him and enjoy His fresh new mercies once again.

Great is Thy Faithfulness!!

(Lamentations 3:21-24)

Two Questions

2009-09-22T16:49:00.001-04:00

I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of my son, Brent and his family from North Carolina, coming for a week long visit. For the first time in a long time, all my grandchildren will be here together and they plan to have a picture made of all of them. The best part of it all is they will be here to share my exciting day tomorrow. The day to "ring the bell", meaning radiation is done. I can't wait!! God is Good all the Time!!

A friend sent me this e-mail and I liked it so much that I wanted to share it on the blog. I hope it brings a smile to your face.

Life Really Boils Down To 2 Questions.....

1. Should I get a dog......?

OR....

2. Should I have children.....?

Now that I made you smile, pass it on to someone else who needs a laugh today!

No matter what situation life throws at you...
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...
Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Have a great day and remember to give thanks!

Cats are so dramatic!!!

Achieving The Outcome

2009-09-22T16:12:00.007-04:00

"Are you a person who is more concerned with outcome than how you achieve the outcome?"

Those were the first words I read from my morning devotional. And boy did they hit me between the eyes! Have you ever had someone ask you a question and you felt like they could see right through you when you answered? Or listened to a sermon and was sure you heard the pastor say your name aloud as he preached? Well, that's how this morning's question made me feel. Like God was speaking them directly to me.

I knew that I had to see my oncologist today. Aside from what he would say about going back to work now, I always wonder if he is going to tell me something I don't want to hear. I shared on yesterday's blog, my struggle with worry over this appointment and how I finally gave up and gave it all to the Lord.

You see, I was only looking at how I would have the energy and strength to go back to work. The outcome.

But, what God was looking at, was how I achieved that outcome. And this morning, I went in, trusting that God would handle it all, because I had given it to Him. That's how I achieved the outcome. By giving all my worries and cares to Him and letting Him take care of them.

As Carl and I waited in the waiting room, I felt a sense of peace that everything would work out okay. I experienced His peace again when Dr. B's nurse, Ellen, came in. She is one of the most calming, gentle people I have ever met. She gave me a hug and we talked for a bit and she said, "Remember, we nurses are the worst. Be kind to yourself." As she left, I again sensed God's peace, shown in my ever quiet, ever strong husband sitting in the chair next to me.

And even as Dr. B talked with us, God's peace could be felt through his care and concern as he patiently listened and answered every question. Never rushing. Always acting as if we were his only patients for the day.

What was the outcome, you might ask? He wants me to stay off of work and rest. Regain my strength, and try to get the swelling down in the arm by resting it. A follow-up doppler study ordered to see what is happening with the clot. He wants to wait a month before running any follow-up scans to try and provide some rest time in between.

Although I am very relieved and thankful for the outcome today, I am more thankful for how the outcome was achieved. For the lesson He taught me in the process. How to take the "easy way out." by giving it all to Him. And for the lessons He continues to teach me along this journey.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." (1Peter 5:7)

Taking The Easy Way Out

2009-09-21T16:12:00.008-04:00

Sometimes I wonder why I choose to take the "hard way out" instead of the "easy way out". Last night before I finally fell asleep, I had myself so worried that I hardly slept at all. I had started worrying about going back to work when I finish radiation this week.

As I look back on the last 10 months, the effect of the treatments on my body were almost like fresh fallen snow on the top of a mountain. They started out as a little handful of soft snow. And with each treatment, the little handful turned into a snowball. The more treatments that went by the bigger the snowball got. Then came radiation, and the snowball seemed to get bigger and bigger. Now it seems like an avalanche out of control. I started out, before treatment, with a pretty good supply of energy, even though I was anemic. But as the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months, that energy seems a distant memory left at the top of the snow covered mountain. It is a chore to get through the day without several naps. Where as before, I could "push through" and "muster up" enough energy to accomplish what needed to be done, I find I have no more "push" or "muster".

Yesterday, as I thought about returning to work and the amount of energy it takes to do my job, I started worrying. I thought about getting up at 5am and making it through the day without a nap. When now I am taking 2 naps a day. And I continued to worry. I told Carl, I didn't think I could do it, and I continued to worry. By evening time, I had wasted the better part of my Sunday worrying. Instead of taking the "easy way out", and giving it all to God, I kept it and had a fitful night of sleep.

But God's faithfulness is great and He grants me new mercies every morning. (Lament. 3:23-24) Where would I be without Your mercy, Oh Lord?

As I began my devotion time, this morning, I couldn't find the words to pray. The combination of worry and lack of sleep last night left my mind blank. So I just sat, knowing God was there. Soon, I felt the gentle touch of the Holy Spirit as He whispered, "Be still and know that I am God."

I spotted a baby bird chirping on the fence. "Did he spend his night worrying?" I thought.
And I asked myself, "Why do you insist on taking the "hard way" first? How much of yesterday did you waste on worry? What did you change by all the worrying that you did? Could I have better spent that time telling Carl how much he means to me, whispering a prayer for someone in need, calling a friend I haven't talked to in awhile, or noticing the fresh new roses on the bush outside?

And there in the quietness of the new morning, in His holy presence, I took the "easy way" out. I laid all of my worries and cares at His feet. I just gave them all to Him. My job, my fatigue, my worries. All of it.

I don't know how He will take care of those worries, I only know He will. And today, instead of wasting precious time worrying, I'll take the "easy way out" and use my time in a way that will be pleasing to Him.

The Power of Positive Thinking

2009-09-18T14:17:00.008-04:00

Another Friday radiation done! I love the weekends off. It kind of gives the skin a little time to recoup. Ann gave me an aloe plant before I started radiation and I have become VERY fond of it. When I told the radiation oncologist I was using an aloe plant, he said "just make sure the leaves are washed before using it, since you are still immune compromised." I laughed and said, "My friend, who gave it to me, is a NICU nurse. I'm sure the plant went through the 3 minute scrub process before she gave it to me!!"

I remember some months ago posting all the positive things about chemo. So I thought today I might post some of the positive reasons to have radiation. I'm sure some of my breast cancer sisters could add to it.

1. A free tanning bed.

2. Free tattoos in the colors of your choice.

3. A free 20 minute yoga session as you maintain the "arms over head" position.

4. No beach sand to irritate the sunburn.

5. Your internal body temperature increases several degrees so your not as cold. (This is a BIG plus for me!)

6. A chance to model your gorgeous 3 arm gown, for all those around, as you walk down the hall to the treatment room.

Many people have said to me "I've heard people with a positive attitude always do better." I have always believed in thinking and acting positive. At times, I have wondered if studies have actually shown that a person's attitude could help them to live longer. But, I don't believe so.
Why not?

In my morning devotions this morning, I was reading a post by Os Hilman. He talked about the world's emphasis on the power of positive thinking and all the self-help books, and programs that are available. Many of these are promoted as "tools for believers to overcome the mountains in their lives". But, he said, "These ideas lead us away from dependence on God to a self-based psychology designed to give US more power. Our faith in God becomes faith in faith. It is born out of hard work and diligence rather than obedience to God's Spirit. The problem lies in that these philosophies sound good, and can even be supported by Bible verses. Beware of anything that puts the burden of performance on you rather than God. There are times in our lives when God doesn't want us to climb every mountain. Sometimes He wants us to go around. ". God asks me to live my life by His spirit, not by my power. My positive outlook should not reflect an ulterior motive of living a longer life. "Who of you can add a single hour to his life ?" (Luke 12:25)

Does God want me to stop having a positive attitude? Absolutely not! My positive attitude reflects the joy and peace that comes through having a relationship with Him. Nothing more is expected on my part. He will take care of the rest.

There is an old proverb about 2 cups on the table. One seems half empty and one half full. I know who holds my future and because of that, I see 3 cups on the table. Mine is the third cup, and it is overflowing with grace, peace, love and joy.

And therein lies the power of positive thinking!!

Prayers For A Little Boy

2009-09-17T14:52:00.002-04:00

My blog post today is not a happy one because my heart is sad. And I need to share why.

Today, when I was coming out of radiation, I walked past a room and saw a little boy lying on a stretcher. He looked to be about 7 or 8 years old. He was so pale and so tired. But what struck me the hardest was the look in his eyes as I caught his glance. It was the look that tugs at every mother's heart. It said "I hurt and I am sick. Please help me feel better". His mom and dad were by his side stroking his arm, trying to comfort him as he silently lay there. The father had turned off the lights for the little boy, perhaps to minimize a headache, while they waited for radiation.

Right there in the middle of the hallway, I wanted to cry and yell at the same time. I thought of Dylan and Jayda, two of my precious grandchildren, close to that age. They were probably at school right now, running and playing and laughing on the playground, like children that age are supposed to do. Later, they would go to football practice, or baseball practice or cheerleading. They would laugh, they would run, they would jump, they would get dirty. That's what children do. Not This!!

I tried to keep myself together long enough to see the radiation oncologist. As soon as I was finished and left for my car, I had a meltdown. I sobbed. My tears flowed for that sweet little boy and his pain. For his mommy and daddy and their helplessness.

I was angry. My anger, directed at this awful disease. My parents always taught us that "hate" is a strong word. Well, I HATE CANCER!! I HATE that it robs little children of the joy of life. I HATE that it breaks the hearts of loving parents.

As I drove home, my tears continued to flow. Tears for my dad, for my mom, for John, for Eddie, for Jenny. For so many I have loved and lost to this disease. And I did the only thing I know to do when sadness overwhelms me. I cried out to Jesus. I didn't ask for understanding. For I am not even capable, in my humanness, of understanding His divine plan. I simply asked Him to bring peace and comfort to that sweet little boy and his parents. To hold them securely in His arms. To pick them up and carry them when the journey road becomes to rough. And, in His time, to gently place them on the other side.

I don't know this little boy's name. But it was no accident that he touched my heart in such a powerful way, with just a short glance at each other. I wanted to ask of you who are reading this post, that before you close your eyes tonight, please, could you whisper a prayer for him and his mommy and daddy? I don't know exactly how, but I do know, that God will hear our prayers, for that sweet little boy, and answer them.

My Suitcase

2009-09-16T15:47:00.007-04:00

Today was the first day of the radiation boosts. I completed the 28 treatments of radiation to all four quadrants, which was good timing, because the skin was sufficiently done. Well-done actually. I initially thought there would be 5 radiation boosts but was told today there would be seven. "He usually does 5" she said, "but he's added a couple of extra on yours." So a couple more days added to the end, but in the grand scheme of things, nothing at all. The boosts are really quick since they only radiate the tumor area, so I was in and out on no time.

I came upon a quick little quote, right before I went into radiation. (Nothing happens by accident) It said, "God planned and packed you on purpose for His purpose." Hmmm... That's interesting, I thought. But as soon as the cross overhead came into view, God flooded my mind with understanding of those words.

God has always had a plan for my life. He has been preparing me "on purpose" to accomplish "His purpose". He has used this walk through the desert of cancer to help accomplish His purpose. But he gave me a suitcase and packed it perfectly for the journey.

Along the road, He has placed people in my life who are fighting or preparing to fight the same disease. The type may be different, the stage may be different, the treatment may be different, but the fear and questions are all the same. The "why me?", "what ifs", where's God, what "happened to my faith"?

I believe, God has allowed me to go through this desert, so I could share my faith, my knowledge, "the things in my suitcase" with others who are not as far along on the journey. I don't say this to boast, for I can only do what God enables me to do and nothing more. "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." (2 Corinthians 11:30)
I can't place my things in the suitcase, for then it becomes too heavy and won't close. But, He has packed my suitcase with just the right items to tell others how He has worked in my life along the journey.

It is exciting to know that my suitcase was pre-packed by the Almighty God. And when opened and used according to His plan, I will be allowed to play a small part in accomplishing His purpose in someone else's life. What an awesome privelege!!

Thank You Father for allowing me to be used by you. Let me never forget that you alone have planned each and every step I take and will equip me with all that I need to make the journey. Amen

The Music of a Quiet Prayer

2009-09-14T16:20:00.008-04:00

We had a good weekend. Dinner with my baby sister, Dylan's football game and then the Gator game with Katie and the family. Time to spend with baby Cooper. A birthday lunch for our friend Pat and a great visit with our friend Deloris. Just a time to enjoy the company of special people.

Yesterday during our worship service, as we do each Sunday, the pastor invites the congregation to share any praises or prayer requests. My favorite part is to listen to the praises and hear how God has answered prayer and worked in the lives of our church family.

I was quite surprised though, when Carl stood up to offer a praise, because that is generally out of his comfort zone. He shared how much I loved to play the harp and how the surgery to remove the tumor and lymph nodes left a question as to whether the muscles and nerves would be left intact enough to continue playing. How the surgeon wasn't sure she would be able to make that happen. He shared how, through prayer, God enabled me to go through the baby steps of strengthening the muscles, and over time, allowed me to be able to progress enough to play again.

As Carl continued to speak, my eyes filled with tears. For it never occurred to me to ask God that I would be able to play the harp again. I was consumed with the fighting of this disease. But Carl, in his wisdom and love for me, knew how important the gift of music was in my life. How one day I would miss it. And so he quietly prayed. He continued to pray. He offered up prayer on my behalf, without me even knowing, and God answered that prayer. I was able to play my big harp in worship last Sunday.

Oh, the incredible power of prayer when lifted up on behalf of someone else. God knows our needs and desires of our heart even when we can't see them for ourselves. How thankful I am that God knew that I would one day want to play the harp again. And grateful that He blessed me with a godly husband who lifted me before the Father to ask for that prayer to be answered.

And from this day on, each and every time I sit at my harp to play, I will pause to give God thanks for the music of a quiet prayer lifted on my behalf.

It's Just Not As Big As I Thought

2009-09-11T14:39:00.014-04:00

Have you ever had the opportunity to go back and visit the house where you lived as a small child? Was it just as you remembered it? Probably not. Often, when we remember a house from our childhood, it was a LARGE house, in our minds. We remember the neighborhood seeming like a town. The windows and doors on the house seemed enormous. The bedrooms were huge. The yard was the size of a football field. The rooftop seemed to reach to the sky.

And then, as adults, when we go back to visit, we are amazed at how much smaller the house actually is, compared to what we remembered.

When I walked into the treatment room today, I looked at the radiation machine. I vividly remembered how large and intimidating that machine seemed when I first started the treatments. But today, it just didn't seem as big. Why was that? And as usual, when the cross overhead came into view, my mind went to work. Or should I say the Holy Spirit went to work?

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, it seemed "enormous". At the time filled my world. My thoughts, my emotions, my discussions, my energy, my time. It was "BIG" and it was intimidating. 10 months of treatment seemed like an eternity. The thought of 8 months chemo seemed impossible. The desert seemed too large to cross.

But, I was a child then. God has walked with me through these last many months and held my hand, while I grew. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (1 Corinthians 13:11) And now, cancer doesn't seem as large as it once did.

I still have much growing to do in many areas of my life. There are times when I worry and play the "what if" game. In fact there are times when I revert back to being a baby and feed on milk instead of solid food. But it seems as though God already knew I would have a tendency to do that. "In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food!" (Hebrews 5:12) But God has brought me a long way in how I view this disease in my life. And when I look back and remember how I felt when I first was diagnosed, one thought comes to mind. "It's just not as big as I thought!"

Is there something in your life right now that seems larger than you can handle? A desert that seems too large to cross? Does it consume your thoughts, your discussions, your energy, your emotions, your time? Do you feel as a small child, powerless against it? Then give God your hand. Let Him walk you through it. One day at a time. Let Him supply your "milk" until you are able to tolerate "solid food". For as long as it takes. And one day, you will look back on it, and "It just won't seem as big as you thought."

His Will

2009-09-10T21:13:00.002-04:00

I got some new markings today. I wasn't sure there was any place to put new marks, but have come to find out there's always a place. The new markings will be for the boost radiations. The "boosts" will be 5 doses of "supercharged" radiation that zooms in on the tumor site to kill off any cells that might not have wanted to leave during the first treatment. Another set of tattoos. The tattoos remain permanent, so there is no more radiation to that area. Once an area is radiated, it cannot be radiated again, as it would start killing off too many of the healthy cells. So, the tattoos alert any healthcare people not to radiate in that area. I think the next time I get a tattoo, I'm going to pick the design and where I want it!!

I overheard a conversation behind me this morning, while I was waiting for radiation. Two ladies were talking about God's will and it caught my attention. After a couple of minutes I heard the one lady bitterly say, "Well, I guess this cancer must be God's will for me; His punishment for me not going to church." I couldn't see who she was, but I felt so sad for her. As I got called into the treatment room, I turned and caught her eye and whispered a prayer for her.

On the radiation table, as soon as the cross on the ceiling came into view, I thought about God's will for my life. God takes no pleasure in watching me walk through the desert of cancer. But, it is His will that I be brought closer to Him. He is trying to accomplish something far greater in my life than would have been possible without the cancer. It is not punishment for my wrongdoings. His will only desires the best for me.

I don't believe it is God's will to watch any of His children suffer. He takes no pleasure in watching us grieve the loss of a loved one. Or lose a job or a marriage. Yes, He allows it. But for no other reason than to accomplish His purpose in our lives. And when that happens, He will reveal His plan to us and we will understand and rejoice!

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. (1Peter 4:12-13)

5 Minutes or Less

2009-09-09T12:59:00.005-04:00

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him. (Psalms 37:7 )

As I was waiting for my turn at radiation this morning, I spotted a magazine on the table. The cover article read "How to have the perfect body in 5 minutes a day." It struck me funny that a body that has been used and abused for many years, could become "perfect" in 5 minutes.

With the computer scan check-in system, I was in and out of radiation in "no time at all." No time wasted here.

I stopped by the grocery store for a drink and spotted the line for "10 items or less, no waiting." Ironically, it was the line with the most people in it. But since I had one item, I chose that line. No time to speak with the cashier or anyone else for that matter. No time wasted here.

I stopped by the pharmacy drive- thru to pick up medications. Two minutes and I was done. No time wasted here.

People beep at the person in front of them at the traffic light, lest they would spend another 10 seconds of idle time.

We go out to lunch and the menu reads "10 lunches served in 10 minutes or less". Guaranteed." No time wasted on enjoying the company of the one you are eating with.

A one year bible reading plan. A one minute daily devotional. No time wasted on getting to know the Saviour more.

Why is it that we spend so much time and energy on how to add the number of days to our lives, but want to experience life in 5 minutes or less?

God is a God of forever. A life in Him means a life that will last forever. "The righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever." (Psalms 37:29).

LIFE FOREVER. Is it really so important that we rush through?

The Garden

2009-09-07T21:47:00.008-04:00

I walked outside this morning to talk to Carl as he was working in the garden. It is a good thing that the plants and flowers are tended to by Carl, because if it was left to me the would all be dead. He was busy pruning back the some of the overgrown plants and trees. I used to think he just went out there with a pair of clippers and started chopping away, but over the years I have learned that there is so much more to it than that. He knows exactly when each type of plant needs to be cut back in order for it to put out new growth. He knows how far back to cut the limbs and branches. He knows to cut out some of the overgrown branches from the bottom, that are stealing vital nutrients from the rest of the tree. He knows there may be bare spots for awhile, but in time they will fill in, full and green.

As I watched him working, it seemed like the garden was a mirror of my life for the last 10 months. My branches were overgrown with many things. A paralyzing fear of cancer, busyness, taking for granted the little things in life, the need to be in control. And all of these overgrown branches were stealing vital nutrients from my spiritual life.

And so the Lord began to prune my branches. But he didn't just start cutting away haphazardly. One by one, in His time, He would cut a branch that was keeping me from growing. Confronting this disease head on helped to minimize my fear and keep it from having a crippling effect on my life. Facing the possibility of a life cut short early, showed me that each and every day is a gift not to be taken for granted. Going through surgery, chemo and radiation has forced me to slow down. And in that slowing down, He has shown me that busyness is not always productive, when it takes away from the important things in life.

I think the biggest area of pruning in my life, has been the need to be in control. He has had to cut many branches from this vine. As a parent, I used to say "there can only be one boss and I'm it." On this journey, the Lord has taught me that only one person can be in control and it must be Him. I have no control over the number of days in my life. I have no control over the rocks or valleys along the journey. It cannot be "all about my will". He has shown me time and again that when I surrender my control and my will, the journey becomes so much easier to travel.

God is still working in the garden of my life. There are bare spots that have been pruned, but in His time, there will be new growth. Because I so often fail Him, there will continue to be branches that will need to be cut back. But with each cut He is pruning out the old to make room for the new. And one day, when I meet Him face to face, the garden will be in full bloom and never fade away.

Count Your Blessings

2009-09-06T22:41:00.006-04:00

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

It is the close of another day. Sunday. The Sabbath. A day of worship and rest. And I pause to think about a few of the things that made this day special.

Taking part in communion.
Watching the expressions of the children during the children's sermon.
Little Ashlee running up to me before church to give me a hug.
Little Skylar showing off her dress that "matched Nana's".
Sitting beside Carl as we worshipped together.
A thank you card from a good friend.
A long afternoon nap.
A phone call from Brent.
Watching Hallmark movies all afternoon.
Listening to the gentle steady early evening rain. No lightning, no thunder. Just soft gentle rain.
A beautiful rainbow stretching from one end of the sky to the other.
Raindrops on the newly planted roses.
A piece of Carl's homemade strawberry pie after dinner.

As I was "thinking about these things" tonight, I remembered and old song called that my mother used to sing called "Count Your Blessings."

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Far too often, at the end of the day, I fall asleep thanking Him for His blessings, but never taking the time to think about each of them. But tonight, I will take the time to count them. To name them one by one. And give thanks and praise for every good and perfect gift He gives.

Go Gators!

2009-09-05T11:45:00.024-04:00

I love college football! Especially the Gators. We are big University of Florda Gator football fans in our family. There are a lot of big football teams in Florida (Florida State, University of Miami, University of Central Florida) and so there is a lot of rivalry come football season. We even rival with our pastor since he's an Alabama fan.

For several weeks before the season starts, and continuing through to the end, there is considerable teasing between the different fans. We start wearing t-shirts and hats. We put messages all over facebook. We put stickers and flags on the cars. And we even dress our little children and grandchildren appropriately. If they're too little for a gator t-shirt we just dress them in orange and blue. We teach them very early in life to say "Go Gators" and how to do the Gator chomp with their little arms.

I think what I like most about all of it, is that it brings people together. Whether they are Gator fans or Alabama fans (or whatever team) people share a common bond that spells out "fun". There are so many things in life that seem to stress people. All you have to do is listen to about 5 minutes of news to know that. So when football season starts and people start having cookouts, and gatherings with family and friends, and cheering at games to celebrate college football, I love it!!

Tonight we will gather at family's house for the opening game. I can't wait! It will be a joyous time. We'll all be in our gator shirts (including the grandbabies). I actually got some orange and blue radiation tattoos! We'll laugh and shout and cheer and share our love for each other. And at the end of the evening, whether my team wins or not, I will have had the victory for "The joy of the Lord is my strength!"

The Lighter Load

2009-09-03T21:50:00.001-04:00

Last night Carl made some shrimp and rice casserole and we took it over to our dear friend, Deloris' house. We had the best time eating and visiting. After dinner, as we were chatting, she asked me how I was doing with the treatments. I told her I was doing well, all things considered, and the words she said next were music to my ears. She said "You know, as good as you look and have done through all of this, I can't help but believe that you have beat this."

They were such uplifting and encouraging words that I felt like I was a balloon, just released into the air. To "beat this" haven't been words I have had in my vocabulary throughout this time. Perhaps losing my mother to this disease, perhaps being a medical person, perhaps the daunting statistics, but "beating it" just wasn't something I had entertained. It certainly wasn't because I didn't think God was fully capable of a complete and permanent healing, but I also know that "His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts". I had gotten into the mindset, that after treatment, I would wait and see what God had planned for the next leg of the journey. Trusting all the while that He would continue to uphold me along the way.

But as I replayed Deloris' words over and over in my head last night, I thought. "Why not assume that I have "beaten it." 3 surgeries, 8 months of chemo and 33 radiations will soon be behind me. Why not get on with my life and believe I have "beat this"?

When I was first diagnosed, I realized I could let this disease make me miserable, or I could let God have it, and believe His promise "that all things work together for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28) I chose to let God have it and keep a positive attitude as I walked the journey.

So why not after treatment? I can spend three years waiting for the cancer to come back, or I can live my life believing I have "beaten it." God alone knows how the journey ends. I know that He will never leave me and that He will walk with me, whether I choose to be miserable or choose to be positive. He always gives me the choice.

But waiting for the "other shoe to drop" is a heavy load to carry. Choosing to believe I have "beaten it" is a much lighter load. And, I believe I'll choose the lighter load.

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ( Matthew 11:30 )

TRUST

2009-09-02T14:22:00.002-04:00

As I was driving home from radiation today, the car radio was on a show called "Doctor Radio". It is a satellite station and various types of doctors from New York University have shows dealing with their specialty areas. They pick a topic to discuss, and then callers can call in and ask questions. Today's show was on oncology and there were two oncologists talking about the doctor - patient relationship. One of the doctors made a statement that really struck a chord in me. She said, "The relationship that a cancer patient has with the oncologist, especially when the stakes are high, is an intimate relationship. The patient is placing his life in the physician's hands and therefore it must be one of complete trust."

My first thought was of my relationship with my own oncologist. I have said several times how impressed I am with him. He is an extremely intelligent man. He trains the fellows at MD Anderson cancer center and therefore must be up to date with all the latest studies and trials. He is honest. (Sometimes more honest than I would like). He is kind and gentle. And I trust that he will make the medical decisions that will best influence my care.

But as much as I like my doctor, my ultimate trust is not in him. "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save." (Psalms 146:3)
My life is not held in his hands. My intimate relationship is with my Lord and Saviour. The almighty God, who is the great physician, the great healer. In Him I place my life and my trust.

I am thankful that God has placed me in the hands of a caring and competent medical team. I know that He hand picked each and every one. I am grateful for an excellent cancer center so close to home. For insurance that meets my medical needs. For medicines and machines that help to fight this vicious disease. But it is not in these things that I place my trust.

" But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." (Psalms 31:14)

Training Against the Enemy

2009-09-01T15:55:00.008-04:00

1/2 way through radiation! Another milestone on the journey!!

On the way home, I saw 7 or 8 police cars surrounding a house and immediately thought of my boys. My oldest son, Eric, is a police officer. Last week he went through an all-day special training called Force on Force. They spent the day training in buildings searching out potential armed suspects. They learned ways to go around a blind corner so their vital organs would not take a hit if the were shot. They practiced shooting left handed in case their blind corner needed them to shoot from that side. They spent the entire day in training against their potential enemy. They practiced their techniques often enough for it to become second nature, should a surprise attack come upon them.

My youngest son, Brent, is in the Marine Corps. He just came back from training to prepare for deployment to Afghanistan. They are trained on how to spot explosive devices hidden by the enemy. How to use their weapons against enemy fire. How to walk through mountainous terrain and wade through water, while still keeping their weapon ever- ready. They train long and hard to be prepared should a surprise attack come upon them.

Although I shudder as a mom to think of my boys in these training fields, I am also thankful for it. For I know, the more prepared they are to fight their enemy, the safer they will be. And every morning I whisper a prayer for their safety and pray Psalms 91:11 upon them that God would "Command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."

We too, battle an enemy. Unlike Eric and Brent, who don't always know who their enemy is, we do. We battle Satan as our enemy and his ways are just as covert and dangerous as those whom Eric and Brent go up against. He is disguised in pride, lust, jealousy and anger. He steals our time. He robs us of our joy. He plants doubts. The only way to protect ourselves from the enemy is to spend time in the Word. It is our training field. The more training we have the better prepared we will be against attack from the enemy. Time spent in training is not wasted time.

Are you prepared for the enemy's attack on your life? Because if he hasn't already done so, he stands ready to, at anytime. He tries to attack me often. Sometimes he will catch me totally by surprise. He finds the weakest areas of my life and attacks with a vengeance. It seems the closer I get to the Lord, the more he tries to attack me. The only way to be ready for it, is to train ourselves in His word. We have the weapons. "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." (Ephesians 6:17)
The more training we have, the better prepared we are against attack. "Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me." (Psalms 119:147)

God's word is our training. Keep it close, read it often. And we will be prepared when the enemy attacks.

I'm looking forward to watching Eric's first softball game tonight. Several of the guys from his squad at the police department have a team, and they laugh and joke and tease each other unmercifully. But they have a good time. And a triple bonus! My grandchildren Dylan, Jayda and baby Cooper will be there. God is good!!

Broken But Still Valued

2009-08-31T15:26:00.007-04:00

I dragged myself into MD Anderson for radiation. I really thought radiation would be a breeze after chemo, but I find myself totally exhausted. I was already looking forward to going home for a nap. I looked across the street at the hospital where I worked and longed for the days when I went into work at 5:30 am and had boundless energy, enough to last until 7:30 that evening. Now I couldn't fathom the idea. Those days seemed to filled with purpose and value. This day would consist of having enough energy to get ready for radiation, go downtown for the treatment, go home for a nap, eat some dinner and go to bed. Not much value in that, I thought.

So often, we place our value in what we do, instead of who we are. Consider, the injured football player, who is now in a wheelchair. The 70 year old man, who retires after 50 years of working. The mother, whose last child leaves for college. Consider the surgeon whose wrinkled hands begin to shake. The elderly woman who can't see well enough to pass her driver's test. And, the wife who has cared for her ill husband for many years and suddenly finds herself a widower.

My good friend, Pat, gave me a book last week. She felt so compelled to give me this book that she drove over to my house in a mean thunderstorm. Little did she know that there was a message in there that I needed to hear. The Book was called "The Fingerprints of God" and in it was this beautiful story.

Broken But Still Valued

During my college years, a friend of mine gave me a very special gift. It was a beautiful Lladro porcelain figurine of a woman, with slender lines, adorned with a graceful hat and a vase of flowers. This delicate Lladro moved from city to city, from home to home, with my husband and me for the first seven years of marriage. It was one of my most treasured possessions.

One fateful afternoon, though, our four year old son was playing a game of hide- and- seek near the table where the Lladro gracefully stood. A bump of the table sent her to the floor, chipping the tips of the petals on her flowers. We glued her dainty pieces back together as best we could, but her bouquet was never the same.

Many years have passed. Another city, another home. My beautiful Lladro has followed, and she still finds her home in our living room. I often wonder why I value her so - why she has a place of honor on my mantel.

She's flawed.
She's no longer smooth.
She's no longer perfect.
She's surely lost all monetary value.

I've come to realize that I value her because she reminds me of a person I know. I too am broken. I am imperfect. I've lost my slender lines. My bouquet has been chipped. In fact we're all broken. We're all flawed.

This story so vividly reminds me that in God's eyes I am still valued even though I may feel broken. When I place my worth in what I do, I will always be disappointed. The purpose God has for me in life has nothing to do with being perfect or unblemished. For, if I am willing, He will accomplish His purpose despite my flaws. And He values me enough to carry me in His Arms wherever He goes.

When It Doesn't Matter Anymore

2009-08-29T23:10:00.002-04:00

Sometimes the journey through our desert seems like it will never end.

When we lose a loved one, we think that after each of the firsts has passed (first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary) the pain will ease and we will come out of the desert. But it doesn't. We walk through a desert of loss.

As a parent, when a son or daughter goes astray, we walk through a desert of guilt, afraid they may never come home.

When we are betrayed by someone we trusted, we walk through the desert of mistrust, afraid of being hurt again.

When we lose a job, we walk through a desert of insecurity, afraid our needs will not be met.

When we face cancer, we walk through a desert of "what if's".

And sometimes, on the journey, it seems like time stands still. If only we could run through and get to the other side sooner. Even the Psalmist David cried out. "My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long?" (Psalms 6:3) "Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants." (Psalms 90:13)

Os Hilman said it so perfectly. A woman came to him in the midst of her desert and said, "How will I know when I'm coming out of the desert?". And he answered, "When it doesn't matter anymore. It does not mean we can't have a longing for better days, but there is a Godly contentment that allows us to remain in any condition with a peace that passes all understanding."

God allows each of us to walk through our deserts so that we may totally surrender to Him. All of our hurt, guilt, mistrust, insecurity and "what ifs". And when it "doesn't matter anymore", our journey will have accomplished His purpose.

The Proper Hugging Of A Baby

2009-08-27T16:49:00.016-04:00

I absolutely delight in children and babies. I always have. I believe they are God's way of always keeping a smile on our faces.I knew from a very young age that I wanted to have a career that involved taking care of little ones. And God has blessed me richly with a rewarding job as a NICU nurse for many years. And actually, if we have jobs in heaven, I hope I get to have the very same job I have here on earth.

Being a NICU nurse, I often get questions from friends and relatives about their babies. I don't mind at all and am glad that I am able to answer, or find out the answer, to most of the questions. There is one question that I haven't been asked yet, but since I came across detailed instructions, I thought I would post it here on my blog, in case it ever came up.

HOW DO YOU PROPERLY HUG A BABY ?

First, Find a baby.

Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques.

Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

Then, the "paw slide". Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented "hug, smile, and lean" so as to achieve the best photo quality.

May the joy of the Lord be our strength!

Into His Arms

2009-08-26T16:55:00.010-04:00

Yesterday I had my visit with my oncologist. He is such a kind, soft spoken doctor. Never making me feel rushed. Always giving me time to absorb what he is saying and waiting on any questions I might have. We had the conversation again about follow up tests after treatment is finished. He told me once again that current studies suggest to have scans or tests only once or twice a year because if it came back somewhere it would be a stage 4 and not curable. Then they would scan only if there were symptoms. He said some people like to have scans after treatment for peace of mind if there are no obvious tumors seen on a scan. But it doesn't stop the possibility of cancer cells floating around, not seen on the scan.

I have thought about this a lot and decided I'd rather have the scans when I'm finished just to see where I stand. If they all come back clean then I can know that there is not an immediate problem. I realize that cancer cells could still be floating around, but somehow clean scans will make the treatment process for the last 9 months seem worth while. Kind of a temporary reward.

I had to have labs drawn today and I was a bit nervous about that since they can't draw from the left arm because of the clot and can't put a tourniquet on the right because of the lymph node surgery. But this lady was the best. One stick, without a tourniquet, and she had the labs. Boy was I happy. Radiation went well with more new markings. This time with blue marker. Sadira said if I bring in the orange marker, they'll do the next ones in orange. Just in time for Gator football season to start!!

As I was driving back after radiation, the radio was on a station with one of the talk show hosts. He was talking about the passing of Ted Kennedy this morning. As I listened for a moment, it became quite evident that he didn't like the political icon. But regardless of his view, I was dumbfounded by one of his statements. The point he was making was that, when he dies some people won't like him either, and will have negative things to say about him. His exact words were, "When I die, if I end up meeting that "great celestial valet" ........and he went on to voice his opinions. "That great celestial valet???" What is that all about? Is he talking about heaven? Where there will be no more darkness, no pain, no sorrow, no diseases, no death, no tears? The place where we will live for all eternity?
Is God Almighty the "valet" of whom he is speaking? The one who created us, who loved us, who gave His only son to die for us so that we could live forever in spite of our sinful nature?

Try as I might, I just cannot liken my entrance in heaven, to the parking of a car at a restaurant. I cannot picture my Lord as a car valet. No, when I meet Him face to face, I will not hand Him my car keys. I will run, with tears of joy, into His waiting arms and there I will stay forever and ever!!!

A Journey of Three

2009-08-25T21:19:00.003-04:00

The title of my blog is called "Roxanne's Journey" but truthfully it should be called "Carl & Roxanne's Journey". Sometimes, in fact, I think it could be called "Carl's Journey" for it seems, often, he has the rougher part of the walk.

I know for any husband, it is very difficult, to be unable to "fix" a problem for his wife. And Carl is no exception. Through the years, no matter what falls apart, he's been able to take care of it. But this time it's different and He has said so many times "I wish I could take this way from you."

Some things along the journey are not so difficult to take care of. He listens to my physical complaints. He fusses at me when I won't take time out to rest. He makes sure the doctor has all the information, lest I try to make light of something. He goes to all the treatments. He makes sure the grandkids don't try to climb up on "granny" when they are sick or I'm not supposed to be lifting. He figures out the bills when the income is less from being out of work. And his list goes on and on.

But it's the things he can't do that make the journey difficult for him. He can't take away the cancer. He can't take away my fears. He can't take away his own fears. Yet, he is a wise man. He never says "everything will be fine." He only says "I love you and I will be here for you." Isn't that how Christ is with us?

Last week, when I had battled the unending headache and it's "what ifs" and the upcoming oncologist's visit, I seemed to feel as though that gave me an excuse to take it out on Carl. I had very little to say to him all day and when it got too quiet, I complained that he didn't have anything to say to me! A "feel sorry for myself and take it out on Carl" knee -jerk response. Why is it that the ones who love us the most, seem to bear the brunt of our frustrations?

Later that evening, (probably when Carl felt it was safe to talk without a confrontation) he said to me "you know, we're on the same team. I'm not the bad guy." And I broke down, so sorry that I had treated the one who loves me most with the least amount of concern.

But Carl's love for me is just as Christ said a man should love his wife. Unconditionally. He took me in his arms and loved me, even as unlovable as I seemed at the time. Oh, how incredibly thankful I am for Carl's unconditional love and his unwavering strength when mine seems gone.

No, I don't walk through this desert alone. Carl and I journey together. Still, we are not alone. For God walks right along with us. And together, the three of us will journey safely out of the desert and into the promised land.

A Thing

2009-08-24T19:40:00.003-04:00

Today marked one-third of the way through radiation! 33% or .33333 or 1/3. No matter how it's written it's a milestone on the journey.

When I went in for the treatment today, it was really different. Usually, Dennis, Jared and Sadira are quite talkative. We talk about their children, my grandchildren, music, whatever comes along. But today, they were unusually quiet. I think they had been talking about an upcoming inspection. Not sure, but they immediately got started with the treatment, without the usual chit chat. They adjusted some of my markings, positioned the machine, called out several numbers to each other, looked at the computer screen and then left the room to start the beams. After the first quadrant was finished they came in and I felt the table rotate, heard some more numbers called out, saw the computer screen again and listened for the noise of the beams. I remember thinking. I feel like "a thing". Not a person on the table, but another piece of equipment. Another "thing."

But no sooner than the thought crossed my mind and the machine rotated and I saw the beautiful cross above me. And immediately I thought. I am not a "thing". I am a child of God! I don't need idle conversation. I don't need a fancy house, a career title, a lot of money. I don't even need good health. All that I truly need is in front of my eyes, etched in the ceiling. No, I am not a "thing." I am secure in knowing that I have Jesus.

But as I lay on the table looking at that cross I wondered. What about all those whose paths I cross, who feel as if they are just "a thing"? What about the girl at the cash register this morning, who couldn't work fast enough to please the man in line? What about the homeless man on the corner that I don't make eye contact with? What about the 17 year old girl waiting at the bus stop with 2 young babies? What about the old lady, waiting in the wheelchair, totally alone?

Can simple, kind words make them feel as though they matter? As though they are not just "a thing" in this world? Can eye contact and a smile be the encouragement they need to get through another day? When I say "how are you?" can I take a moment to listen? Can I be the one person in their day who offers hope when they feel hopeless? Can I be Jesus to them?

Lord, you have given me so much. I see that in my family, my friends, my job, my life. Yet, I fail to see a hurting world all around me. Help me take a moment, Father, to be your eyes, your hands, and your voice to someone in need. Amen

Who Am I?

2009-08-23T19:10:00.007-04:00

Carl and I enjoyed a really nice weekend. This is the last weekend before school starts and Carl will be back to full time teaching on Monday. Since we didn't get to do too much this summer between chemo, blood clots and radiation, I really wanted to try and spend a day or so, together, doing something nice. So I surprised him with an overnight stay in Daytona.

I got up early Saturday morning, and as I was getting ready, the last of my 3 eyelashes came out. Okay, I've been done with chemo for 3 weeks! But, after all the hair loss over the last 8 months I sure wasn't going to let that bother me. Then, to add insult to injury, I was putting on some shorts to wear to Daytona and noticed new hair growing on my legs! What's up with that? Ask any woman if they'd rather have eyelashes or hair on their legs. It's a no-brainer. You don't have to shave your eyelashes! I just laughed and told Carl, some things just "don't make no sense".

We had a beautiful room that had a nice view of the airport runway. That might not sound too great to some, but Carl loves watching planes go in and out and I was hoping he would get a chance to see some. After settling into the room, we decided to go for a walk on Daytona Beach. As soon as we got within site of the ocean, I was totally overwhelmed with the magnitude of what I saw. I have been to the beach before, but have never had the experience that I did this time. I was in awe of the magnificence of God's handiwork and overwhelmed with my own insignificance. I spoke the only words I knew to ask of God at that moment, "Lord, I am so small against your greatness. Who Am I that you would notice me?"

I turned in full circle and saw brilliant blue sky as far as my eyes could see. And I felt so small. The warm wind, smelling of sea salt, blowing ever so gently against my face, yet strong enough to carry the para sail effortlessly along the water. I looked out in the distance at the vast calm blue water, and watched as that very same water came crashing in waves against the shore. "Who am I, mighty God?"

Walking along the shore I watched the tiny sea gulls digging in the sand for sand crabs. Further down the beach, a young boy was busy burying his little sister's body in the sand, leaving only her head exposed. Two young lovers had chiseled their names with hearts in the sand. "Lord, you know the exact number of grains of sand on this shore, Who Am I that you would be mindful of me?"

I watched the many, many people playing in the surf and sitting on the shore. Each one with their own story, their own joys and trials, their own past, their own future. And God knows every detail of every life, past and future, down to the exact number of hairs on their head. "Indeed, the very hairs on their head are all numbered." (Luke 12:7). "Yet, who am I Lord, among the billions of people in this world, that you would care about me?"

Then I hear Him whisper "You are mine. You belong to me. I have chosen you. I delight in you."

And I wonder. How is it that I have not experienced the works of His majesty the many other times I have come to the beach? Does it take a diagnosis of cancer? Does it take a desert in our lives? Or does it simply take a closer walk with Him?

There is a beautiful song and video below that expresses so much better the words I have tried to share. I pray, as you listen, that it will be as meaningful to you as it is to me. And if you have ever asked yourself the question "Who Am I?". If you have ever felt small and insignificant. I pray that you would step a bit closer to Him and hear Him whisper "You belong to me. You are mine. I have chosen you. I delight in you. Not for who you are, nor for anything you've done, but for who I am and what I've done."

Full Armor

2009-08-21T20:28:00.004-04:00

It's really interesting how Satan plays mind games with people. I think the closer we walk with the Lord the more He tries to take us away.

I've had a dull headache for about 3 weeks now. Yesterday the headache was relentless and that's when the negative thoughts (compliments of Satan) started creeping in. A year ago, if I had a headache for 3 weeks I would have thought perhaps a sinus infection. But, yesterday I thought maybe I need an MRI to see if the cancer has spread. And the "what if's" started. I know that they might be natural feelings for someone with cancer, but they are not feelings that come from God.

This morning when we were going in for radiation, I saw some of the construction men on the job site of the new parking garage. They had on all of their protective gear for the job. They wore helmets, goggles, steel toed boots, back braces. They had on a full suit of armor to avoid getting hurt.

As I watched them, a scripture came into my head. "Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil." (Ephesians 6:9). I pictured myself walking into the hospital in a suit of armor, fully protected from Satan's tactics. I thought about an e-mail I had gotten from Ann the night before. She shared a scripture with me. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." (Mark 12:30). I can love him with all my heart, with all my strength and with all my soul, but if my mind is controlled by Satan and his tactics, what have I accomplished? He is asking for my all, not the parts I choose to give Him.

So, I'm walking with my full suit of armor on. It's fool proof against the tactics of the devil. And you know, it's not even heavy. In fact the burden I carried without the suit, was so much heavier to carry.

I'm looking forward to two days off from radiation. Spending time with Carl, with the kids and going to church. And yes, I will be wearing my suit of armor everywhere I go.

Someone With "Skin On"

2009-08-20T15:56:00.003-04:00

When my daughter Holly was a little girl, she was very afraid of the dark. When she went to sleep at night she didn't just want a night light, she wanted a lamp with a 100 watt light bulb.

One night, when Holly was about 4 years old, we had finished dinner and were all cleaning up the kitchen. Eric was clearing the table, I was washing dishes and Holly had her little cloth trying to help, like her big brother. It had gotten late and it was a school night for Eric, so I was anxious to get the job finished. When I got ready to sweep the floor, I remembered that the broom was outside in the far corner of the back porch.

I turned to Holly, who was so anxious to be part of the cleaning, and asked her if she would go outside and get the broom. She walked over to the door, opened it just a crack and peeked outside into the dark. She then closed it back, and went back to cleaning with her little cloth. After a minute or two, I said again, "Holly would you go outside and get the broom for Mommy?" She again opened the door, peeked out for a moment, closed it back and went back to her cloth.

This time I noticed, and said, "Holly, mommy asked you to go get the broom. Why do you keep opening and closing the door?" Her little face was creased with worry and she said, "Mommy, I can't go out there. It's too dark and the broom is too far away." I knelt down in front of her and said, "Holly, you can do it. You don't have to be afraid because God will go out there with you. He will be right there beside you."

I gave her a hug and watched as she went back to the door. This time she opened it a bit further and looked out for quite a long time. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, she closed it back and ran into my arms and said, "Oh, mommy I know God will go out there with me but I need somebody with SKIN ON!"

Oftentimes, we open a door in our lives and we are faced with having to go out into darkness. The broom that we need to get to, seems so far away. Even though we know that God is there, it seems too scary. And we become as a little 4 year old again, wishing we could just reach out and touch Him.

Life's journeys are not always easy. And faith is not always easy. God is not disappointed in us when our faith wobbles. Even Thomas, after hearing of Jesus' resurrection from the dead, would not believe it unless he was able to put his fingers into Jesus' hands and side. But Jesus didn't shun him or tell him to leave. He gently reminded him to "stop doubting and believe". And He quietly waited until Thomas understood and said "My Lord and my God!" and once again believed.

When we are afraid to open the door. When we can't see the broom because it is too dark, we are not alone. We might not be able to feel His skin, and we might wobble, but we are NEVER alone. His light will light our way. "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me. Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like day; for darkness is as light to you." (Psalms 139:11-12).

And His light will be our "someone with skin on."

10 Down!

2009-08-19T22:59:00.002-04:00

Ten treatments down!!

I started out the morning having a great devotional and prayer time at 5:45 am with my dear friend. What a blessing God gives us in fellow believers whom we can share our Christian journey with! And there is no better way to start a day than to have prayer with a friend.

I went back home until radiation at 10am. After the treatment, I met with the radiation oncologist. She explained that I would have 28 full radiation treatments in which all 4 areas of the chest, neck and underarm are radiated. Then there would be 5-7 radiation "boosts" which are zaps of radiation to just the tumor area. For a total of 33-35 treatments. So I'm almost 1/3 done!

We enjoyed a nice lunch afterwards with Eric and one of his good friends. He was on duty so he didn't have a real long time but it was such a treat to get to spend time with him. As he left, I watched him pull away in his uniform and I prayed and asked Psalms 91:11 for him; "For He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you in all of your ways; they will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."

Carl and I spent a quiet evening at home together. And now, I will close this day just as I opened it. In prayer and devotion to the one who is worthy of all praise! "O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things." (Isaiah 25:1)

My Quilt

2009-08-18T15:42:00.007-04:00

For some reason, when I went in for radiation today the building was freezing. I changed into the gown and totally wrapped myself up in my quilt. The only thing showing as I walked out to the waiting area was my head and my feet. The rest was colorful quilt. As I sat waiting for my name to be called, I started reading the many scripture verses and words of encouragement, written with love, in each of the squares. Though I have read these words many, many times, I never tire of reading them again. I stroked the softness of the quilt's fleece against my cheeks. I marveled once again at the thought and planning that went into the preparation of the how the squares would fit together. I thought about the sacrifice of the one who put it all together with love.

Soon my name was called and I went into the room and got onto the radiation table. As she does each day, Sadira gently lays the quilt over me before the treatment starts. I was still thinking about the quilt as the huge machine rotated around to provide a clear view of the cross overhead.

And in that moment, in my mind's eye, the cross and the quilt blended perfectly together, painting a vivid picture of God's wonderful love.

Like the quilt, God's love surrounds me with comfort and warmth when life's circumstances seem rough and cold . "May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant." (Psalms 119:76).

God's word, like the many squares in my quilt, provides me with love and encouragement when I am weak and weary. "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." (Psalms 119:28). "You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word." (Psalms 119:114).

Like the squares thoughtfully pieced together in my quilt, God has carefully and purposefully planned and arranged every step and detail of my life. "But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." (Psalms 33:11) "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21). "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

And, like the sacrifice of the one who handmade my quilt, how much more God has sacrificed to show His love for me. For He gave His all for me, His own son, so that I could have a personal relationship with Him that would last forever. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16) "And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." (Hebrews 10:10)

Before I knew it, the radiation treatment was done. I had enjoyed 20 minutes of quiet time reflecting on God's love. As I prepared to leave, I once again wrapped myself up in my quilt. As I walked out, it seemed as though the colors of my quilt were brighter than when I went in. They appeared more vivid. It almost felt like it was aglow. Could it be that a few moments of quiet time spent in the presence of the Lord, makes our lives seem that much brighter? I do believe so!

86,400

2009-08-17T16:15:00.004-04:00

What if every morning when the bank opened, there was a deposit made to your account of $86,400. It was a gift, and you could spend it any way you liked, but, you had to have a zero balance in your account at the end of the day. None of the money could be carried over to the next day. What would you do with it?

Ironically, that 86,400 is the number of times in a day that we are given an opportunity. Each day we are given is a gift. That day holds 86,400 chances to make a difference. There is no guarantee that we will have tomorrow. Nothing can be left to save for tomorrow. Today's 86,400 seconds is all we have. What will we do with it?

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and a kiss and call you back for more.

If I knew it would be the last time I could spare and extra minute,To stop

and say "I love you" instead of assuming you would know I do.

If I knew it would be the last time, I would be there to share your day,
Well, I'm sure that you'll have many more, so I can let this one slip away.

For surely there's tomorrow, to right this oversight,
And we always get a second chance to make everything just right.

There will always be another day to say "I love you"
And surely another chance to ask "Is there anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I Love You and hope I never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance to hold your loved one tight.

So if tomorrow never comes, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,
Just how much you love them, and will always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry, Forgive Me, Thank You and It's okay"
And if tomorrow never comes, you won't regret today.

(Written in memory of all those who perished in 9/11)

86,400. How did we use it today? How will we use it tomorrow?

"Lord, help us this day, not to miss an opportunity to speak a kind word or give a hug to someone who needs it. And forgive us, Lord, when we take our loved ones for granted. Remind us, when we get too busy, to take time to tell them just how much we love them. Amen"

My Children's Children

2009-08-15T23:08:00.007-04:00

"But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, And His righteousness to their children's children." (Psalms 103:17)

We had a wonderful afternoon with four of our grandchildren. Jayda who is 5 going on 12, Wyatt who is 2, Logan who is 1 and baby Cooper at 6 months. Needless to say the house was filled with squeals of laughter and chaos. As I sat watching them play, I was amazed at the way they reason and communicate, even at a very young age.

Baby Cooper has discovered the world of "big people" food. When he sees you put a bite of food into your mouth he "stares you down" with outreached little arms. As if to say "Helloooo, what about me? I'd like some too."

Logan loves to eat. He is also learning sign language at day care. When he wants something to eat, which is quite often, he says "more" and makes the signs for "more" with his little hands.

Wyatt, didn't talk for the longest time. In fact we were starting to get concerned that his language may be delayed. But all of a sudden he is speaking clearly in sentences. "I blow on it" for his hot food. "I scary" when he sees a lizard. "I play piano." (A future student for grandpa).

Jayda, has been a little talker, from the very beginning. Hers is the experienced "voice of reason". At 5, she has the world figured out and is always willing to share her knowledge and experience.

I am so thankful for the joy that my grandchildren bring to my life. And am especially grateful for God's everlasting mercy to me, my children and my children's children.

God's Cake

2009-08-14T15:59:00.020-04:00

It's Friday!

My job has always been in a hospital; which includes weekends and holidays, so Friday doesn't hold the same meaning for me as other careers. But I'm finding a new appreciation for the term "weekends off". Radiation is Monday through Friday and when I finished today, it felt like I was starting a mini vacation.

The time on the table was quite a bit longer today, because the bio physicist had to look at the computer images, make new markings and make sure they were exactly what the doctor wanted. But that was okay. I just gave me longer to "zoom in" on the cross above my eyes. I pretty much just shut out the other noises and had a "one with one" time with the Lord. I thought of the discouraging thoughts and feelings from yesterday. And how today seemed so much brighter.

A good friend sent this story to me today. What a perfect day to share it on the blog.

GOD'S CAKE

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter. "How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!'' "Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: 'Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

And, so it is with God's cake.

So often, it seems like our lives are just a roller coaster of random days. One day, by itself, can be discouraging. One day, by itself, can be encouraging. One day we are standing on the mountain. one day we are walking on level ground and one day we may seem lost in the valley. But all the days, added together, equal one life that is completely designed and planned by God. Every ingredient, every step already set in place by the Almighty. While the individual days may seem disjointed and without purpose to us, the end product is a life that will be made perfect on the day we meet Him face to face. "He who began a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philllipians 1:6)

OH, WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY THAT WILL BE!!!

Restore My Soul

2009-08-13T14:59:00.002-04:00

Today has been unusually difficult for me. Perhaps, a valley in the desert.

It started out wonderful. I awoke to the sweet sounds of Logan and Wyatt, my little grandsons visiting from Jacksonville. I watched them smear pancake syrup all over their little faces and play out on the back porch, trying to catch lizards. Then they left to spend the day at Disney while I went to radiation. My heart tugged as they pulled out of the driveway, wishing I was able to go with them.

I went for radiation. When I was finished, Carl and I walked across the street to the NICU, where I work, for a visit. As I walked into the unit, I first noticed our cavitron (traveling isolette), with a baby in it, preparing to go for surgery. A tug at my heart. Walking further, I watched a couple of our neonatologists busy writing orders for their tiny patients. I looked into the many rooms housing our sick babies and watched the nurses and respiratory therapists all busy taking care of their little ones. My heart tugged again, wishing I could be there working with them. We knocked on Ann's door and she was busy, but she stopped what she was doing, as she always does, and acted as though she had nothing else on her agenda. We enjoyed a short visit and as we left the NICU, I once again watched the staff at work with the babies. Nothing here has changed, I thought. Life goes on in the NICU as it always has and always will. Life goes on all around me, as it always has and always will.

And my heart ached. Oh how I wish for normalcy back in my life! To be able to be at work and have the energy to take care of my babies. To go to Disney with my daughter and grandsons. To walk around without a scarf and hat in the 100 degree weather. A day that involves more than laying on a cold radiation table and going home for a nap. As I walked to the car, I looked across the street at MD Anderson and wondered. I thought about my friend, who has just discovered that her cancer has come back. Even after treatment ended, would my life ever be back to normal? A life without doctors and needles and tests and treatments? Would I have to do this all over again one day?

We came home and Carl left for the church. Holly and the boys are still at Disney. I am alone in the house. I prayed. "Lord, is this how it's always going to be for me? Will my life ever be normal again?" I opened my bible to the Psalms where I find comfort in times like this. I read. I sat in silence waiting for Him. And He provided me with the very words that spoke to my heart. "For He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; He has not hidden His face from him but has listened to his cry for help." (Psalms 22:24). "Thank you Lord" I prayed. "Thank you for listening to my cry for help. I thank you that you do not hide your face from me. Even in the midst of my cries."

As I prayed, I was led to the next Psalm. It is the 23rd Psalm, one of the most beloved. One I have recited over and over again since I was a child. But today, it brought me comfort that I so needed.

"The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul."

And for now, I will sit with Him. In the quiet of His presence. Knowing that by drawing unto Him in my moments of discouragement, He will indeed "restore my soul".

Life's Routines

2009-08-12T13:34:00.004-04:00

I had to see the radiation oncologist today. I didn't realize it, but I am supposed to see him every week. When they took my blood pressure it was 187/110. It had run high, like that, while I was in the hospital, but I thought maybe it was just due to the clot. I hadn't checked it since I got out of the hospital because I can't take it on either arm and it's kind of hard to put your leg in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens. They recommended I see my primary care physician about my blood pressure. Jokingly she said, "we don't want to fight the cancer battle and lose to a stroke." So I guess a visit to that doctor is in store. Maybe he'll fix the low hemoglobin.

And on we went to radiation #5. It seems as though it's getting to be a regular routine. I like routine in my life. There seems to be a comfort in knowing what to expect each day. I walked in, scanned my computer card and walked back to the changing room. Although today I did go out on a limb and take a chance on a different door! It was door number 7 . I laughed at myself as I expectantly opened the door. I put my stuff in the locker and walked with Carl to the waiting area. Some of the same people are in the waiting area each day. Soon they called my name. Jared and Dennis greeted me as usual and I got settled on the table with my quilt over me. The machines started to whirl and alas the beautiful cross came into view.

I thought about how secure I felt in knowing the radiation routine didn't change. It makes it seem like everything is under control. I think that, if the machine was positioned differently, or they didn't radiate as many times, or it wasn't as long, I would worry something wasn't right. No changes. No surprises.

Most of us don't like it when changes are thrown at us in life. But whether we like it or not, life throws us curve balls. We can be journeying along, feeling quite comfortable in our routine, and in the blink of an eye, everything is different. Our life is changed. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a vast desert without a map.

But as I lay here on the table, staring at the cross in the ceiling, I am vividly reminded that no matter what changes occur in our lives, GOD NEVER CHANGES! "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8).

The cross that I am looking at in the ceiling today, has the very same meaning as the cross of 2000 years ago. It gives me a personal relationship with "the Alpha and the Omega, who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty." (Revelation 1:8).

What comfort we can take in knowing that no matter how much our lives are changed, there is One who is greater than any challenge we face. And whose love for us will never, ever change!

And Behind Door Number ????

2009-08-11T14:49:00.003-04:00

I went in for radiation #4 this morning. I walked in and scanned my computer card and headed back to the changing room. Inside the room were rows and rows of metal lockers like you would see in a high school locker room. Each locker had a key in the door. As I stood in front of the row of lockers, deciding which one to pick, I was struck by the many choices in front of me. Each locker had a number on it. Some were half lockers on top, some were half lockers on the bottom and some were full sized lockers, top to bottom. I was reminded of an old game show on TV when I was a child called the "Price is Right." Now days, the show similar to that is called "Deal or No Deal". The concepts are the same. The contestant chooses a door, or suitcase, hoping it will bring him good fortune and make him a winner.

Looking at these lockers, made me feel like a contestant on the game show. The luck of the draw. Here are the doors in front of me. What lies behind each door? A fortune or a loss? Good luck or bad? One dollar or a million dollars?

I stood in front of the lockers so long, thinking about the game show, that I actually chose a locker with eager anticipation. I picked door #5. "A lucky number?", I asked myself. I really don't know what I was expecting to find behind the door, but I sure was excited. Needless to say,when I opened it, it was only an empty locker. I put my belongings in, locked it and headed down the hall for radiation.

Laying on the table, I once again became focused on the cross etched in the ceiling. I thought about life. What if we had the opportunity to pick random doors in our lives? We wouldn't know what was behind the door until we had chosen it. Behind one door was material wealth. One door, the loss of a loved one. One a lucrative career. One physical illness. One a wonderful family and one a wayward son.

I am so glad that my life isn't a set of random doors with everything left to chance. Nothing happens in my life that is by chance. God knows what is behind each and every door in my life. I will open some and they will hold blessings abound. Other doors in my life will hold trials. But NOT ONE door is left to chance! Scripture says that God knows the plans He has for us. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). Each step is directed by Him. "A man's steps are directed by the Lord." (Proverbs 20:24).

If our lives were like game shows, I believe God would have us finish as winners. For no matter what door we open, no matter what's behind the door, He holds the key. He already knows how the game will end. Nothing has been left to chance. And that makes us automatic winners!

My Cross Is Too Heavy

2009-08-10T13:04:00.010-04:00

I'm still trying to figure out how this chemo and radiation works on my body. Saturday I woke up really nauseous with no appetite. Carl, worked all day making wonderful food for a birthday party he had planned for me. The party was so much fun. We laughed and had wonderful fellowship with great friends from our choir. But I couldn't eat any of the food including the birthday cake. Sunday was just the opposite and I was starving all day.

Today, I feel the same as Saturday. Nauseous with no appetite and new sores in my mouth. (Where did those come from? Chemo is done.)
Carl moved a couple of students and we went down to the hospital for radiation together.

While waiting for my turn to go in, I saw a lady outside one of the radiation rooms obviously waiting for her turn also. She was a pretty lady, probably in her early thirties. She was laying on a stretcher. She had obviously been through chemo because she had only fuzz on her head. She was pale as a ghost. She had a washcloth and a bucket with her, indicating she had been sick. My heart just went out to her. She had a wedding ring on her hand. Where was her husband? Why was she alone? Was he home taking care of their young children?

And here I was with my loving husband at my side, not laying on a stretcher but able to walk in on my own. Just a few minutes earlier, I had felt sorry for myself for feeling nauseous. Now I felt guilty that I seemed to have it so good in comparison to this young woman. Tears filled my eyes and I closed them in prayer and lifted her up before the Lord.

Then my name was called and I went in for my radiation. While laying on the table, the big machine, which had been over my head, moved around and brought into clear view the cross etched into the ceiling. It had a red beam of light on each of the four tips of the cross. As I focused on it, I thought about the cross that Jesus asks each of us to bear. Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. (Luke 9:23 )

A good friend shared this story with me this morning and I wanted to pass it on.

MY CROSS IS TOO HEAVY

A young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer."Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear." The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief and said, "Thank you Lord," and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses; some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.

The Lord replied, "My son, that is the very same cross you just brought in."

No matter how heavy my cross feels, there is always someone who's cross seems heavier. But, no matter how heavy it gets, God promises that He will lighten the load enough that we would not buckle under, if we just ask Him. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30).

Could we each take a moment today and lift up someone in prayer who's load seems too heavy for them to carry? Even if we don't have a specific person in mind, God knows who they are. He will be faithful to answer and He will lighten the burden of their cross.

Channel Markers

2009-08-09T21:54:00.006-04:00

A few weeks ago, Carl and I were privileged to go out with our good friends, Steve and Lori on their boat. I absolutely love being out on the water. It was a beautiful day. We started out in Daytona and rode up to St. Augustine. We met another friend, enjoyed a great lunch together, walked around the old historic town for awhile and headed back home on the boat.

On the way back, Lori and I were sitting, talking in the back of the boat when all of a sudden there was a loud noise from the motor and the boat stopped almost on a dime. I had no idea what happened, but when Lori said "Uh-Oh", I figured it probably wasn't a good thing.

It seems that on the inter coastal waterway there are channel markers every so many feet. Staying inside the channel markers assures the boaters that the water will be deep enough for the boats to safely pass through. But this day the channel marker wasn't clearly visible. Another small boat was in front of us and Steve was following the small boat. And suddenly we were in shallow water and the prop got stuck in the dirt. The boat stopped. Fortunately for us, Steve got out into the water, cleaned off the dirt and maneuvered the prop enough to get us out of the dirt and back into deeper waters.

Each time I think about that incident on the boat, I am reminded of my life. God puts channel markers in my life to warn me when I am about to head into trouble. I am ashamed to say that many times, I have ignored the channel markers because I wanted my own way. Sometimes the markers were clearly visible and I just chose not to stay inside the deeper waters. Other times the markers weren't as visible because I had drifted to far away from God to see them well. Never the less, every time I went outside His markers, I got into trouble. But each time I got off course, God got out of the boat, cleaned off the dirt and got me headed back into deeper waters, where I was once again, safe.

No matter how many markers we fail to see. No matter how far we have drifted. No matter how much dirt we are buried in. He is always there to set us back on the right course. To lead us back to safe waters. God knows that we will continue to have times when we will drift outside of His channel markers. We are human. He knows we are not perfect. He takes no pleasure in seeing us stuck in the mud. That's why He gave us His son. He is a God of second chances and third chances. All He needs is a contrite heart and he will jump out of the boat, clean up our mess and set us back onto the right path.

Abundance In The Desert

2009-08-07T08:29:00.002-04:00

We had a great day yesterday. I went in for the first "real" radiation. They found one more spot on me that wasn't marked up so they marked it. I think we should invest in Sharpie marker stock. The radiation today wasn't too much different than the simulation, except for the noises of the machine when it was delivering the radiation. This time they covered my arms with warm towels, put my quilt over my legs and put a small cushion under my bony elbows so I was pretty comfortable. Still difficult to keep my left arm over my head for so long but can't do too much about that until the clot gets better.
Afterwards, we visited and prayed with a friend at the hospital who is having bypass surgery tomorrow.

The nicest thing about the day was the many birthday wishes I received. Phone calls from my children, hugs from friends at work, many facebook messages, a special visit from Ann, text messages, a call from wonderful friends who were on vacation in North Carolina and a special birthday dinner with friends.

Jesus said, "I have come that you may have life and have it more abundantly." (John 10:10). Sometimes I am brought to my knees when I think of the abundant life that God has given to me. Even as I walk through this desert called cancer, He gives me the abundant life that He has promised. His abundance overshadows any of the darkness. His abundance brings light and joy.

As I am writing this, I feel as though God is wanting someone to hear these words. I don't know who or what the circumstances are. But I just feel the need to pray.

Dear Lord, I don't know who might be reading these words right now. I only know that someone needs to hear your voice. Lord, we must go through so many trials and deserts in our life. Sometimes they seem like mountains we can't climb. They make our shoulders feel so heavy. They rob us of our joy. Sometimes it seems so dark we can't even see you.
But, Lord, since the beginning of time, You have loved us. You have never broken a promise to your children. You want to help us through the trials that we must face. You want to give us peace and hope and joy. You want for us to have an abundant life, even through the deserts.
Lord, I just ask, in this moment that anyone who reads these words and needs encouragement, that they would find it in You. Bring back their joy. Please, let them know without a doubt, that you love them and are more than able to provide all that they need to walk through their desert.
Thank you for your unending loving for each and every one of us Father, Amen

KNOWLEDGE

2009-08-05T16:50:00.002-04:00

I went for my radiation simulation today. What a humbling experience. Being in the medical field, this was the first time I didn't have a clue what they were doing or talking about. I thought it was just a practice session for the "real deal" which starts tomorrow. I thought radiation was as simple as laying on the table and getting a quick x-ray. Boy was I wrong.

When I first arrived, they gave me a computerized card and you scan it when you come for your session to signal the techs in the back you have arrived. The young man who greeted me and showed me the routine was hilarious. His name was Jared and he was the perfect person for the job. From the very start, he had me laughing. Though I wasn't nervous about today, I can see that if someone was to be, he would quickly make them feel comfortable. He showed me the dressing room and said to change into a gown and he would be waiting right down the hall watching Sesame Street on the TV. There were about 50 gowns in the drawer and they were all XX-Large. And each one had 3 arm holes. I was wondering how many 450 pound people with 3 arms use that dressing room. But I just wrapped myself up in it a couple of times and went out to find Jared.

He led me to the room where the machine was and I could'nt believe the size of the thing. I've had MRI's, CT scans and x-rays but this machine was monstrous! The two radiation techs in the room were so kind. Since I was shaking from being cold, they spread my quilt around my legs to take the chill off before they started. The made more drawings on me. Then they went to work. For the next 30 minutes or so they called out numbers like 17.6 SSD and 60 degrees lattitude, 19.8 and 28.4. They would move the machine around and call out some more numbers. Then they went out and took pictures. Then came back and called out more numbers and made more adjustments in the machine. I had no idea what they were talking about, but I didn't have to because they did. The only uncomfortable part of the whole thing was holding my swollen left arm above my head for so long. But it was important not to move while they were getting the machines set up.

I had planned to listen to my iPod during the session and have some worship time. But the machines and table aren't really set up for headphones. So I just closed my eyes and started to pray. Soon, Big Bertha rotated around to where I could see the ceiling and etched in the ceiling was a cross!! Some would say it was there as a measuring point for the techs. I say it was there as a reminder to me of the awesome power of a mighty God. For it is He who gives the knowledge to those who build those machines, set up the machines, those who take all the measurements and those who adjust the dosage of radiation. All knowledge comes from Him.
"For the Lord gives wisdom and from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding." (Proverbs 2:6) "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." (Psalms 139:6)

They marked off four different sections on me today. They will radiate each of the four sections for 5 minutes every day for a total of 20 minutes each day for 33 days.

And for that 20 minutes each day, I will give thanks and praise to our Great and Mighty God, for the wisdom and knowledge He has imparted to those He has entrusted my care.
Thank You, Father.

Martha and Mary

2009-08-04T14:08:00.003-04:00

There were two sisters in the bible named Martha and Mary. They were at the home of their brother, Lazarus, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. They had invited Jesus to be a guest of honor at a banquet in their home. When Jesus arrived, Martha ran around like crazy getting the banquet ready. Getting the meal served. Making sure the food was hot. Making sure the place at the table was prepared for Jesus and all the other guests. When dinner was over, she was busy cleaning up and putting away the dishes. She was working for her Lord.

Mary, on the other hand, sat quietly at Jesus' feet and listened to His words.

Martha got upset. She said to Jesus, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself ? Tell her to help me!" And Jesus answered, "Martha, Martha. You are worried and upset over many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."

I have always been a Martha, who wanted to be a Mary. I like to serve my Lord by doing. Working at church, making things for others, taking care of sick babies. Whatever I could find to do for the Lord satisfied me. I was always much too busy working for Him to just sit quietly at His feet.

Today, I am sitting at home. I am not able to work because of the clot in my arm. "What am I to do?" I asked the Lord. "I can't go to work, can't take care of my babies and I can't lift anything. How can I do for you?"

And He whispered gently, "Now, you can be a Mary. You can sit quietly at my feet and listen."

And finally, after many years, I am learning to be a Mary. I am not walking around the house trying to figure out what to do. For the doing will get done later. It is the being that is more important. Being close to Him in reverence and surrender. Sitting quietly at His feet, listening to His voice, offering my heart. For now, that is exactly what He wants me to do for Him.

Sharing Your Thoughts

2009-08-03T22:13:00.003-04:00

Many of you have asked about posting a comment on the blog. Some have had difficulty posting and some have never tried because they didn't know how. I love to hear your thoughts and read your comments. Many times they are words that have lifted and encouraged me.

So I posted some instructions on the right side of the blog page (just above the praying hands). Jot them down and try it. Though it seems confusing, it really is not, once you do it. Just a couple of steps. I hope that those who have wanted to post in the past, will give it another try using the instructions on the side. If you have any questions just let me know.

If you still can't get it don't worry. I thank you for reading the blog any way. I thank you also for sharing it with anyone you know who might benefit from reading it. And most of all I thank you for your prayers.

Blessings !!

HAIR

2009-08-03T10:37:00.006-04:00

WooHoo! I'm starting to get some hair!! On the chemo, I would get a little sprout of hair a few days after a treatment. Then I would have a treatment and it would disappear. But I think this hair is here to stay. Now, mind you it's not the hair I would have chosen. (Hmmm.. "I would have chosen". These are becoming such familiar words).

This hair kind of looks and feels like a puppy's hair and is really soft. I'm not quite sure what kind of dog yet because it's not very long and there are some big bald spots still on the top. But it is hair, none the less. I was so excited, I thought about going to the puppy store and getting a brush, but exercised restraint and decided to wait for a bit more length. It's still not long enough to provide warmth for my head or look good without a head covering. But at least it's not coming out. Funny, sometimes, how much we take our hair for granted.

My little grandson Wyatt went for a haircut over the weekend. He has the most beautiful red hair. But, I think cutting a 2 year old's hair is somewhat of a challenge because he came away quite "scalped". She sent me a picture and I couldn't help but laugh. His expression was the same one I have when I look at my puppy hair.

But, he just goes on about the business of his joyful, carefree little life. Not giving a second thought to how his hair looks. He has a whole new day in front of him to experience and enjoy.

Oh what lessons we can learn from little children!!

BEAUTY

2009-08-02T22:40:00.004-04:00

Even after nearly 8 months on this journey, it surprises me how quickly I can find myself walking in a valley. The last few days had been so nice. We went to church today and it was so good to be back after being in the hospital last Sunday. I had missed the worship and fellowship that God blesses me with in our church. We enjoyed a nice birthday lunch with friends after church. We went to Walgreens and picked up pictures of the Alabama trip to make a picture book for Jayda. When we were in the store, I was standing behind a woman and her husband. She was a very attractive lady. They were talking about going bike riding that evening. She seemed so vibrant and healthy. I felt a twinge of envy as I watched them.

As we drove home, my mind kept going back to the beautiful lady. I looked over at Carl and thought how unfair all of this was to him. I'm not usually one to put a lot of stock into physical beauty, but every wife wants to feel attractive to her husband. I had come to terms with the loss of hair and even the scars from the tumor removal. But the incision from the port removal last week is red and bruised. My arm is swollen with purple spots all over it from the clot. My abdomen in black and blue from the blood thinner injections and I am marked all over with tattoos for the radiation. I felt anything but attractive or vibrant to Carl. Bike riding seemed as foreign to me as a triathalon. Those kinds of activities seemed like a lifetime ago.

I should have seen it coming, because I know how negative thoughts work. But I didn't. And by the time we got home, my thoughts had taken me down into the valley. I tried to keep it to myself, but Carl has a sixth sense when something isn't right. When he asked what was wrong, I didn't answer for fear of a total meltdown. He said, "Remember we agreed to talk about all of the feelings." Through tear filled eyes, I said, "Is there anything else can they do to me to make me any more unattractive to you? Oh yeah, there's still the red, burned skin. I guess there is something else."

Carl is so wise. He knows that sometimes there just aren't words to say. Only arms to hold and shoulders to catch tears. For me, my physical beauty will never be the same as it was
before cancer. I can't change that. I know that becoming downhearted does not disappoint God. For He knows our human frailties. But staying downhearted does. And the only way I know to combat those feelings is to stay in the word. Whenever, I face an emotional or physical battle, I try to print out scripture verses and carry them with me. I keep them next to my chair and put them on the refrigerator. A constant reminder that will help redirect my thoughts when they want to take me into a valley.

Words of encouragement.

"For your beauty should come not come from outward adornment..Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1Peter 3:3-4)

"Beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Words to help redirect my negative thoughts.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)

My Strength and Song

2009-08-01T20:58:00.001-04:00

I have just returned home after being gone for the last 8 days.

On Thursday at 1:00pm, I was finally released from the hospital after spending 6 days in for the blood clot and port removal. My discharge instructions were: to not lift anything with my left arm, take the blood thinner injections twice a day, keep a close eye on the swelling and not "over do it".

Carl picked me up and, totally out of the blue, we decided to pick up Jayda and take her to see my sister in Alabama about 6 hours away. I was still feeling bad about having to disappoint Jayda the week before, when I got admitted to the hospital, so I was thrilled at our impromptu plan. Less than an hour after I was released, we were packed and on the road, a very excited little granddaughter in tow.

Now I know, that some may think I have lost my mind, by not going home and resting after just getting out of the hospital. But, I don't want to lay around in bed this entire cancer journey. Yes, there have been, and will continue to be days when that just has to be. But as long as God gives me the strength to live each day to the fullest, I plan to do that. Watching the pure joy on Jayda's face as she rode the horse with her adored cousin, played with the kittens, fed the fish in the pond and had a parade with the little dogs. Getting my nails painted in the makeshift bathroom nail spa, set up by Jenna and Jayda, while they sang Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift songs to me. Sharing memories about our Mom with my sister. Trying to put together more of our family tree. Looking up at the millions of stars in the Alabama night sky. So much I would have missed by "staying in bed and resting."

My sweet niece, Jenna, and I had morning devotions together this morning. It was about giving praise to the Lord. The scripture was Exodus 15:2. "The Lord is my strength and song. He has become my salvation. He is my God and I will praise Him." We read together and we prayed together. What a blessing that was for me.

And tonight, I praise Him, for giving me the strength to be able to enjoy the blessings of the last couple of days. And I will praise him when I wake for whatever He has in store for the new day.

"He is my strength and my song and I will praise Him."

This Is the Day

2009-07-30T11:05:00.004-04:00

Well, I ended up spending another night in the hospital. Both the oncologist and the surgeon released me to go late in the afternoon but neither one actually wrote an order, so I had another sleepover party last night. I should have invited Jayda:)

I went for my radiation simulation this morning. Even though I had my quilt, it was freezing in there and the table was like ice. I said to the girl, "wonder why it has to be so cold in here" and she said "it's for the machines". Oh good, I thought. I'm so glad the machines are comfortable:)

I guess, I live a sheltered life because I was pretty naive on the true meaning of a tattoo. I honestly didn't know it involved needles. I thought they were just going to draw some marks on me. Well, can I just tell you, that there are some places needles just shouldn't go!!

Being on the blood thinners caused some bleeding from the needles so instead of blue and orange it was kind of blue and red. So, I'm confused. What kind of a football fan does that make me, now? Blue and red??? Is that half Gator and half something else? Do I cheer for half of the Gator games or just sit in the middle and cheer the whole game. Oh the stresses of breast cancer!!

I came back to my room and got dressed in my regular clothes. I am standing at my door with suitcase in hand showing the most pitiful looking face to anyone who walks by. Maybe that will get me home. If not I have asked my NICU friends to come and bring a baby isolette over here with a blanket over the top, stuff me in there and sneak me out. Whatever it takes, I hope to be home today :)

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalms 118:24) No matter where we spend it!!

My Anchor

2009-07-29T13:06:00.017-04:00

Went yesterday to get my port taken out. They came to pick me up at 6am. I went down to the OR and the last thing I remember was them saying you're going to feel a little sleepy. I woke up at 7 am this morning! 25 hours later. Boy now that was some anesthesia! Don't remember much of anything about yesterday. Carl says I kept repeating the same things over and over again. Hopefully any friends that called, didn't think I had lost my mind. If you called, I wanted to say "thank you" , because I don't remember if I did.

Today we are sitting in the hospital room, waiting for the surgeoon to come in and see if I can go home. The oncologist is okay from his standpoint. I started back on the blood thinner injections ( I had to be off of them to remove the port). Hoping now that the port is out, the clot will dissolve sooner.

The area where the port was, is a bit sore, but Ibuprofen is keeping that in check. It's a bittersweet feeling having the port gone. Though it was a constant reminder of cancer and chemo, there was a sense of security in having it, in case I needed chemo again. But, I know that my sense of security does not come from ports or chemo or radiation. It comes from the Lord. To place my sense of security and hope in things other than Him are negating His power and promises.

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure." (Psalms 16:5)

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (2Peter 3:17)

He is my anchor and in Him I will place my hope.

Tomorrow morning, I go for my radiation simulation. From what I have heard, they place you in a mold and it hardens to make my individual form. Then they place the tattoos on your body to mark where the radiation will go. I'm going to ask for blue and orange tattoos since radiation will be during the Florida Gator football season. Go Gators !!

His Ways and My Ways

2009-07-27T22:27:00.000-04:00

"God's ways are so much higher than my ways"

Monday, my oncologist came in and my arm was still pretty swollen. I asked him why it didn't seem to be improving even on the blood thinners. He said once the port was removed it ought to progress faster because the port was causing irritation and some blockage of flow. Then he told me I wasn't to be doing any lifting at all with my left arm for at least 6 weeks.

My worry level immediately jumped up on the scale again. I had been sitting here since Friday trying to figure out how I could get out of the hospital in time to put in my 32 hours of work this week. I am scheduled to start radiation next week and had been worrying about trying to work full time and still have the energy to go everyday for radiation. How is the clot going to work in all this? The whole thing has been a stressor for me. I kept praying about it and had asked friends to also be praying. The hardest part about all that worrying is, that I knew God didn't want me to stress about it. He wants me to put my trust in Him. I would say to people " Well God will work it out". But then I would take the problem back, try to figure a way to work it all out on my own and start to worry about it again.

But God did work it out. Though I didn't understand at the time, He was working through the blood clot ordeal. Since the blood clot is a new condition and not related to the cancer, I am able to go back on short term disability. So while, the clot is healing and I am doing radiation I won't have to worry about trying to work full time also. Stress is gone. My way to deal with the problem was to worry. His way was to solve it.

I will miss taking care of my babies. I was so happy to be back. But hopefully it will be for only a few weeks. And God must know that I will need those weeks to heal. Perhaps as I heal from the blood clot and radiation, I can read more scripture, spend more time with Him and learn to worry less, and trust Him more. He still has much work to do in me.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher that your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)

SUNDAYS

2009-07-26T06:54:00.000-04:00

It is early Sunday morning. Sunday has always been my favorite day of the week. I love to be in worship, sing the hymns, listen to the words of the message and receive a spiritual "boost" for the week ahead. I told Carl as he left last night that I was so disappointed at not being out of the hospital in time to go to church. I could feel my spirit being dragged down at the thought of missing worship. So I got my bible out and read and read and read until I could keep my eyes open no more. I stayed in the Psalms. Verse by verse I was uplifted and literally felt my heavy spirit floating away.

And this morning there is no sadness, no heaviness. I am standing, looking out the window of my hospital room at the most beautiful sunrise that God has painted for me to enjoy. And I will have worship, here at this window, before my Most Holy God. I will sing to Him. I will praise Him and I will receive the message He has for me today as I read His word.

And despite this small setback, Sunday is still my favorite day of the week!!

A Lesson in the Setback

2009-07-25T20:46:00.002-04:00

I will not be discouraged by setbacks. For they are only opportunities to review the lesson. God has a lesson for me through this small setback on my journey. I need only to stay close to Him as He reveals it to me.

The Will Of God Will Never Take You

2009-07-25T14:42:00.009-04:00

Well, I am sitting here as a patient at MD Anderson writing this blog. Yesterday, when I was about to go to work, Carl said the fingers on my left hand looked a little swollen. But I didn’t pay it too much attention. I headed off to work and was busy throughout the day. Later in the afternoon I noticed a small lump in my neck. I called and made an appointment for Monday morning to have it checked out with my oncologist. A few times during the day my left arm felt sore but I just thought it was some muscle or joint pain from chemo. I had a long sleeved shirt on so I didn't notice my arms at all during the day.

I couldn't wait to get home that afternoon because my granddaughter, Jayda, was coming to spend the night and I was really excited about it. I had gotten movies to watch and popcorn and we had the trundle bed ready for a sleepover. By the time we got home with Jayda and I took off the long sleeved shirt my left arm, shoulder and neck area were red and swollen. We called the on-call oncologist and they wanted me to come right in to the hospital.

I was so disappointed at having to tell Jayda she wouldn't be able to stay the night. In tears, I said to Carl "Is it God's will for me to always be sick? Can I not catch a break? This is not what I had planned for tonight or tomorrow! I just wanted a fun night with Jayda."
But, that was my will.

We took Jayda back and headed to the hospital where they found a blood clot in a large vein in the left arm where my port is. They are treating me with a blood thinner to try and dissolve the clot and will be taking the port out as soon as possible.

My will for today was to be playing with Jayda, but God had other plans. I have no idea why. But He is continually reminding me that it is not about my will but about His. As if God knew I needed some extra reinforcement, a friend sent me this poem today.

The will of God will never take you:

Where the grace of God cannot keep you.
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you:

Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you:

Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you:

Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

Remind me Father, that your will is perfect for my life. Forgive me when I selfishly desire only mine. Teach me, Lord, to trust in your will and not my own. Amen

Morning Time With God

2009-07-22T10:49:00.007-04:00

I'm absolutely convinced that when I get up and don't allow a few moments with God before I start my day, it's gonna be a bad day.

Yesterday morning, I decided to sleep through my morning devotion time. I was soo tired and thought that the extra 30 minutes of sleep would help get me through the workday a little better. Getting ready for work was a chore. Walking into work was a chore. I knew by the time I got there I should have called in sick. I had an overwhelming urge to sleep any where I could find a place to lay my head. But I kept telling myself, that once I woke up, I'd have the energy I'd need. By 10:00 I was too weak to care for my babies. So I left work and walked across the street to my oncologists office. I fell asleep in the chair waiting to be seen. When Dr. Baidas came in, I told him how I had been feeling ever since the last chemo a week ago. He said "You have 2 things going on here." You are very dehydrated and you are exhausted. I can give you IV fluids and I can write whatever note you need for you to stay off of work. You need to be taking it easy."

I told him the work thing wasn't an option but the fluids sounded like a good idea to me. They told me to come back at 1:00 for the fluids so I found a little room at my hospital and slept for a couple of hours. Carl came down at 1:00 and sat for while the IV fluids infused. I was hoping they would work their magic, and I would be dancing a jig when they finished but it didn't happen:)

As we were walking out to the parking garage, Carl was kind of quiet. Like that quiet when he has something to say but he's afraid I might not take it well. I often envy his ability to thoroughly think about what he's going to say before he says it. I still haven't learned how to do that, and often times things come out that aren't said like I meant them, or are said at the wrong time.
So I took Carl's hand and said "what ya thinkin' so hard about?"

With a little hesitation, he said, "Well I don't want to act like your father or anything, but you need to give in to this and really rest. Working on sewing projects, doing the laundry, going to Joann's for fabric, it doesn't seem like that much to you but it all adds up to make you exhausted."

Oh God, how you have blessed me with such a wonderful man! How like our Heavenly Father, he thinks. Our Father loves us. He cares enough for us, to remind us that our physical bodies need as much tending as our spiritual minds. He provides chosen people in our lives to help us see that. How thankful I am that Carl is one of His chosen people and loves me enough to remind me of God's desires for my life.

We went home and I slept 13 hours. Going back for more fluids today. But today, when I woke up, I didn't skip my morning time with God and I know it's going to be a better day!!

Phillipians 4:13

2009-07-20T22:16:00.005-04:00

Phillipians 4:13 was my verse for today. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

Yesterday, Sunday, started out as though it would be a better day, but I struggled getting ready for church and struggled to stay awake during church. After not having kept food down in several days, I was too weak to go into work. So I slept most of the afternoon. Carl and I went to Olive Garden for supper that night and shared a dinner, but my half kept me up sick most of the night.

I really needed to be at work on Monday to be able to get my full time hours in, so every time I woke up sick in the night, I prayed for God to give me the strength to work today. As I was getting ready for work this morning, I figured out that my prayers in the night had actually totaled up to 7 prayers. I thought 7 was a pretty lucky number in the bible and maybe it wasn't just co-incidence that, that was how many times I awoke sick and prayed.

By the time I showered and got dressed I had my doubts, but remembered"( Phillipians 4:13.)" I packed a lunch and drove in to work in the rain. (Phillipians 4.13)
I hauled several bags of Georgia peaches into the hospital to give to my co-workers. (Philipians 4:13).
I took report on my babies seeing the needs that they would have for the next 12 hours. (Phillipians 4:13. )

I was still unable to eat breakfast. ( Phillipians 4:13)
I was unable to eat lunch (Phillipians 4:13)
But I WAS able to take care of my tiny patients in every way that they needed and deserved. (Phillipians 4:13) For the entire 12 hours, when it came to caring for them, God provided all the strength I needed.

And though I left physically tired, I left emotionally rejuvenated at being given His strength to do His work through me throughout this day.

God's promises are true. Even when we have our doubts. (Phillipians 4:13) showed me again today, that when we think we are too tired to go on, He will give us His strength to carry on. And it will always be enough.

Thank you Lord for your strength for this day. For carrying me through. For those that offer love, support, hugs and encouragement along the way. Indeed, your promises are true.
God's promises never fail!!

In His Time

2009-07-18T12:23:00.003-04:00

Feeling pretty rough again today. I still think they snuck some extra chemo in the last dose just for good (bad?) measure. As long as I don't lift my arms or legs or wander more than 3 feet from the bathroom things are pretty good :)

The radiation oncologist called yesterday to set up radiation. I mistakenly thought it might start this week. But she said it wouldn't start for a couple of weeks. She told me "Most people think that as soon as chemo is done, they will feel better. But in fact they feel worse for "awhile" and we don't want to throw radiation on top of a weakened person right away." I asked what "awhile" meant and she said it was different for everyone.

So I'm spending today wondering what my "awhile" is. I had plans for my time today. I was going to spend time with Dylan, Jayda and baby Cooper. But it's not going to happen. It would be easy to feel downhearted. But I won't give in to those kinds of feelings. They lead nowhere. Sometimes,though, I have to make a conscious effort to direct my thoughts according to what I know and not what I feel. And what I know is, that all things happen in His time and not mine. He is teaching me daily, on this journey, to trust in His promise that He will make all things beautiful "In His Time."

Knowing The Healer

2009-07-17T11:38:00.002-04:00

I had to call in sick to work today. I was too weak to even pick up my arms. I think maybe they stuck some extra chemo into this last treatment :) I have never liked having to call in sick. For one, we were raised to have a good work ethic. It included going in even when you didn't quite feel like it and giving 110% when you were there. I am thankful to my parents for those teachings. I also didn't want to call in because I love what I do. Taking care of the babies is very rewarding to me and I think I receive more from them than they do from me.

Last night I asked God to help me feel well enough to be able to go to work in the morning. But as the night went on, it became evident that He wasn't going to answer like I had asked. So I finally gave in and called in sick. After hanging up the phone, I said to God, "Was that too much to ask? I didn't ask for a big thing, just enough strength to work today. I don't understand, but I trust you do." And I fell asleep.

This morning, I received my answer. It came from a daily devotional and I felt as though God was directly answering my questions from last night. Here are the words of the writer.

"I wonder whether the way God heals may vary according to His objective. If the primary objective is to show His supremacy, for example, perhaps He might choose to heal instantaneously. If His primary objective is to teach sufficiency in Him or to mature and build faith, I wonder whether he heals through the stitch by stitch method.

Remember, God is far more interested in our knowing the Healer than He is in the healing. God can be vastly glorified through either objective."

"I will bring you health and will heal your wounds.." (Jeremiah 30:17)

God's agenda for me today was not in the healing so I could go to work, but in spending time with the Healer, to know Him more, so that through my life He can be vastly glorified.

Cradled In His Hands

2009-07-16T14:09:00.000-04:00

I spent yesterday wired from the steroids. If only I could figure out a way to bottle all that energy and use it when I need it. After being awake for 36 hours, I finally fell asleep, only to wake up 3 hours later, feeling under the weather. Like my body is broken and mad with me. Headache from the steroids, bone pain and wicked nausea whenever I try to walk around. So, I decided to just sit in my rocker and do some mending. Normally, I don't care too much about mending but today was different. Looking down at the torn shirt, I realized that a seamstress can't mend a garment unless it is cradled in her hands. Stitch by stitch, in her hands, it is transformed from a torn, weakened garment into a new and stronger one. Sometimes the process is tedious and time consuming. But the end result is a new garment ready to be used again.

And as I sat in the chair feeling physically whipped, holding the torn shirt in my hands, I thought of how God mends our torn and broken bodies. He cradles us in His careful hands as He mends the broken pieces back together. Stitch by stitch. Sometimes it takes longer than we would like. But we know that the end result will be a new person ready to be used again.

And for now, I am content to stay cradled in His Hands. Close to Him. And draw on Him for strength and healing, until such time as He is ready for me to be used again.

This Day

2009-07-15T00:24:00.000-04:00

I was talking with a good friend at work last week. She has a beautiful little boy who has had health problems the entire 4 years of his young life. I have an incredible admiration for her and how she manages all that is upon her shoulders. I think that whatever problems we go through as adults, doesn't compare to having to sit by helplessly and watch your young child go through them.

As we were talking about the trials that we each faced,we shared our worries about the future. She said, "What will I do when he gets old enough to go to college and I won't be close by?" "What if we go on vacation and he gets sick?" And I said, "What if my cancer comes back in a year?". One by one, we looked into the future, asking "what ifs", and soon we both realized that by doing that we were robbing ourselves of this day.

Busy work schedules, illness, raising children. So many things send us flying through this day and straight into the next. But what if there isn't a next? What would we say about the day we had? I think sometimes we get so worried about what may come tomorrow, that we can't stop to enjoy today. And today goes by so fast. God already knew this when He said, "This is the day that the Lord Has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalms 118:24)

If we are given a new day tomorrow, what will we do with it? Will we waste it worrying about the next day or rejoice and be glad in this one that we have been given?

Two Paths

2009-07-14T20:23:00.004-04:00

Today was a very special day. It was my last chemotherapy treatment .

It has been a very busy couple of days at the hospital and I have been too tired to write anything when I got home. I teased with some of the girls at work this morning about how busy it was. I said "You know, it's pretty bad when you're so busy that you look forward to chemotherapy just to be able to sit down."

For me, this last treatment brought on mixed feelings. The past week, every time someone would say to me "Yay, your last treatment", I found it hard to share their enthusiasm. Some people might say, "What?? You should be jumping for joy today!" I guess it sounds crazy. But, even though I don't like the side effects of chemo, I had a sense of security that something was always going through my system to keep knocking out the cancer cells. It's kind of like when your child gets an ear infection and the doctor gives them an antibiotic. You feel relieved because you know he won't be sick as long as he is on the medicine. For 10 days you can rest easier, knowing the medicine is doing it's job.

Sometimes the walk on this journey seems like one of those maze games, where there are many winding paths that lead to a dead-end, but one path leads home. When it comes to the chemo treatments, I had wandered off of His path and started walking on my own path . But my path was a dangerous one. This particular path ends in cave. The cave is called "captivity." But God, in His mercy and faithfulness, showed me the two paths today.

Before work this morning, I spent a few moments in the locker room in prayer for the day. I just happened to open a book I had been reading as part of a summer bible study. It is written by Beth Moore. This was written in bold on the page I opened. "A Christian is made captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit Filled life God planned for her."

I put my book away and began my day, but those words kept coming to mind. I knew in my heart, I was being held captive! Putting all my hope and trust in the chemotherapy and not in the hands of the Lord had held me captive. My worries kept me from living abundantly. God made it very clear what path I was on. So I decided to cross over the little wooden bridge from the "self-filled" path to the "Spirit Filled" path. I decided to celebrate this day and be thankful for God's hand in helping me the last 6 months, through all the chemo treatments.

As I walked out of the hospital to go over to MD Anderson, the sun shone brighter and warmer than yesterday. I inhaled deeply and breathed in the fresh air of the gentle breeze. I listened to the birds singing sweetly in the trees. And I asked His forgiveness for wandering off of His path and strength for the treatment to come.

When I walked off the elevator, I was greeted by Nancy, who has provided me with homemade chicken soup through the chemo. She gave me a big hug and a little glass breast cancer angel bear as a token for finishing the chemo. Elaine, the wonderful receptionist on the chemo floor came around the corner with a vase filled with the most beautiful pink roses I have ever seen. They were from my dear friend Ann, to celebrate the last treatment. They were beautiful in the window and brought a sweet scent to the chemo room. As I started the chemo, I thought back to the very first treatment, 6 months ago, and how overwhelming it all seemed for Carl and I. God has brought us such a long way. While I was waiting on the labs, Carl came by and surprised me with a visit. He had to teach today so Ann came over after work and sat with me while I had the chemo.

The best part about the last treatment came at the end. There is a special bell that patients ring three times on the last day of their chemo. It is loud. And it announces to all the staff and any other patients there, that someone has just completed their chemo treatments. Some of the staff gathered around with Ann, while I rang the bell. What a tremendous blessing to rejoice and celebrate, with my dear friend in Christ, all that God had done in the last six months!

So now it's on to radiation. But I am not placing all my hope and trust in the radiation. I have crossed the little bridge from my "self-willed" path to His "Spirit Filled" path.
My hope and trust is in Him alone. And I will praise Him for all that He has already done!!

"For those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope."
( Isaiah 40:31 & Psalms 52:9)

The Best Medicine

2009-07-10T09:46:00.002-04:00

When you are being treated for cancer there is a medicine for everything that ails you. Medicine for the nausea. Mild bone pain medicine. Stronger bone pain medicine. Something for the tingling in the fingers and toes. Something to increase your infection fighting cells. Medicine to keep you awake and medicine to put you to sleep. I have a "little bag" full of medications at home.

As I walked into the hospital for work this morning, I was thinking maybe I should have taken a few of those medicines from my "little bag" to get through the day.

But I quickly found that I didn't need them, because I received a much more effective medicine from God. It's the "best" medicine. The timing was so perfect throughout the day that it could have been labeled "Timed Release". A morning prayer time with a friend. The enthusiasm on the face of a new young nurse, as she gives report on her babies for that night. Hugs from friends I work with. A surprise visit from Carl for breakfast. The laughter of co-workers as we talk about funny things that happen to each other. The kind and encouraging words of a caring neonatologist. The loud lusty cry of a brand new 10 pound baby . The little kitten cry of a 2 pound baby who thinks she is 10 pounds.
The smell of the rain on the way home from the hospital. A late afternoon nap. A quiet dinner with Carl by the fireplace at Olive Garden.

Proverbs 17:22 says A cheerful heart is good medicine." Little by little the "best" medicine was released today. It didn't come in a little plastic bottle. It didn't taste bad. It had no bad side effects. It not only got me through the day, but it put a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. I daresay, that I don't have any medications in my "little bag" that can do all that.

Hand In Hand

2009-07-09T09:42:00.008-04:00

When God led me to start writing this blog, He made it very clear what He wanted me to do with it. But I had no idea at the time, how He would use it. He wanted me to share what He was doing in my life and through my life, on this journey through the desert called breast cancer. For we all have deserts we must walk through. They are just called by different names. I felt like He wanted me to share with others, how He works in the life of a common, ordinary believer going through one of life's many trials. I wanted it to be a means of sharing the medical part of this journey, but much more than that, I wanted to share the spiritual journey. I wanted it to give others encouragement as they walk through their deserts, and help them to feel that they are never alone. I wanted others to see that, though I am a Christian, I struggle with the same worry, failures, disappointments, lack of trust, weakness and other things that are disappointing to God. I wanted to share the good days and the bad days. The laughter and the tears. Because God walks with us through it all.

But I didn't realize what God would do for me in writing this blog. Through this blog, I have met so many people who have blessed my life tremendously. Many of these people I will never see face to face. But the impact they have made on my life is as strong as if they were standing here in front of me. He has provided me with friends who have given me encouragement, nurturing, prayer and a reminder that we are never alone.

I believe when God wants His word out, His hand will be in every single word that is written. Some who read this blog, may never have noticed that there is a link at the bottom of each day's blog that says "Friends shared their thoughts". This is one area where I have been the recipient of God's encouragement along the way. Every comment that I have read, has been timed perfectly by God. The words written have always been the words He knew I needed to hear for that moment. And I know, that God has intended them as another way to speak to me when I needed strength for the journey.

I wanted to share just one example from a recent comment posted on my blog. It is from a dear, sweet lady whom I have never met, but feel as though I have known her forever. (The kind of relationship only God brings about). Her name is Cora. She is a breast cancer fighter also. This particular day I had struggled. I had been to see the oncologist and had chemo and shared my fears and my tears. Here is what she posted:

There is a verse that says, "Now we see through a glass darkly, but then, face to face. . . Now we know in part, but then shall we know, even as we are known." When you travel through this journey called cancer, we can only know in part. We only see shadows in the mirror, and so . . .we act like children, we crawl like babies, and we leap into our Father's arms for security from all we do not know. As we mature in our faith and get to know Him better, we somehow expect that He will tell us everything, show us answers, and we will strut our stuff right through every battle that comes our way. Not so, is it??? It still comes back to "We walk by faith, not by sight!" We can read all the books, search the internet, go to the best doctors, ask all the right questions, and get all the tests, scans, markers, etc., but in the end, tomorrow is still unknown. It all boils down to that simple child like trust that everything --- and I mean EVERYTHING --- that comes our way is first filtered through His fingers of love.
And it is in that one thing that all the "what if's" of this disease melt into a peace that passes all understanding!

I'm preaching to myself here, you know. This past week as been riddled with "what if" bullets for me, and I'm ashamed of it, believe me. I can only be so thankful for His patience and His "I told you so" today!
Wish I could give you a big hug! I know how hard this all is, how scary, and how long and drawn out. Little steps, big breaths, and leaning hard and long on the One who loves you more than life itself!!!!!

What encouragement that post brought to me that day! I have no idea how Cora found my blog but God does. I don't know how anyone finds it, but I know that those who have left comments have blessed me in a way they can never know. I also believe that those very same comments may be words that God wants others to hear. He alone can take what is written and speak it to the individual heart. Thank you to all who share your words of encouragement for they may the very words someone needs to hear. Thank you to those also, who read it faithfully and take the time to pray. For your prayer may be the prayer that changes someone's life. Thank you, also, for passing this blog on to other's as God leads you to. He alone knows who needs it. He alone knows how He will use it.

It is God's blog. It is His story to weave. He has provided the characters in the story of my journey. We are all intertwined and perfectly placed to walk hand in hand through the desert and stand together atop the mountain!

Like a Baby

2009-07-07T22:46:00.001-04:00

Many times our premature babies forget to breathe.We call it "apnea of prematurity". Breathing is a natural thing, but these babies are immature and when they stop breathing (go apneic), the alarms go off and we walk over and stimulate them. Pat them on the back, rub their feet, (sometimes a little more convincing is needed). And they take a deep breath and begin breathing again. They do this over and over again, but as they get older and more mature , their apnea spells become less and less and they finally outgrow it.

Sometimes I feel like a premature baby. Being a christian and relying on God continually, should be a natural thing by now. But, in so many ways I am still an immature baby in my christian walk.

I went into work today for an hour or so and then took a break and walked over to MD Anderson to see my oncologist. Carl had to work so he wasn't able to come. My long time friend and charge nurse on that floor, Mary, stopped in to visit me in the exam room. It was a blessing to visit with her. She is a christian also and we shared how God had his hand in picking my doctors and staff there.

Now don't get me wrong here. I love and trust my oncologist and all of his staff. But any visit with an oncologist is not usually a spirit lifting experience and today was no different. We talked again about what to expect after treatment and radiation. My question was, that if we did CT or PET scans only once a year, wouldn't we miss a chance to catch any metastisis earlier? And he gently reminded me again that it wouldn't change the outcome or survival rate at that point. I asked if it spread to the lung couldn't they just take it out, do chemo and radiation and cure it. But he said that breast cancer cells that go to the lungs do not respond to treatment like lung cancer that goes to the lungs. If that was to happen, it would become incurable. He actually remembered telling me this before, but he must have known I needed to hear it again to understand and believe it. He is such a kind and honest man in his presentation. But, I wanted to hear the word "cured" somewhere in his conversation. And I never did.

He asked me how I was feeling and I told him that it was strange, but over the last 2 weeks, I get hit with some crippling nausea and vomiting that doesn't seem to follow any pattern. It's not related to food intake or chemo that I can tell. No rhyme or reason as to when it hits. He asked me if I got headaches. I said, yes fairly often, but they're not real bad. He said that if I found that to be a problem still, after finishing chemo, he would do an MRI to see if the cancer might have traveled to the brain. Basically that is how they tell if the cancer has spread anywhere. By testing any abnormal symptoms. I was very upset by hearing this. How do you go on after treatment and live a normal life, without becoming a hypochondriac? Without worrying that every time I get a bad headache, or bone pain or dry cough that the cancer is back?

I left the visit in tears to go back to work. I really should have walked around the block first, but I didn't have the energy. I headed straight to Ann's office. I knew I was in need of a believing, praying, friend, right then. We talked, we cried, and she prayed. As she was praying for me I received a soft, healing peaceful feeling. We stayed in silent prayer for a few moments, knowing that God was hearing our tears and all of our unspoken words. After praying, I was ready to breathe again. Just like the babies, I had been reminded to take a breath and go on. I even joked to Ann that it's probably a good thing that I don't have many eyelashes left so my makeup wouldn't be smeared all over my face. We both had a good laugh and I went back out ready to take care of my babies.

At 2pm, I walked across the street for chemo. But this walk wasn't the discouraging walk from earlier. It was almost like the medicine you get right before they put you to sleep for surgery. No matter what is about to happen, you feel fine. Peaceful. You only have to lay there and breathe and all the rest will be taken care of for you. When I got there, I received a message on my phone from my friend Maureen in the NICU. Our hospital is a round building with glass windows all around it. The message said "We are all waving to you out the window from Winnie. Love you lots!" What joy a few simple words can bring!!

The chemo went well. Carl came. My nurse, Diane, told me I was very anemic and she was going to call Dr. Baidas and ask about a transfusion. We joked because the bloodmobile was downstairs that day and it was time for Carl to give. He could have just brought it up to me :) I told Diane "Well, I'd love nothing more than a boost for going back to work, but don't take it personally if he says no. He's not a big fan of that for some reason." Sure enough, he didn't want to, since the chemo was nearly finished. I went to sleep and slept through most of the chemo, the ride home and most of the evening. As if God, wanted to remind me once more before the day was over, I got a call from my dear friend Lori, another believer, who lifted and encouraged my spirits.

In our christian life, we start out as a baby craving spiritual milk so that we can grow in him. "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation." (1 Peter 2:2 ) He wants us to grow in our maturity level from milk to solid foods. But He knows that it doesn't happen over night. He knows that, just like that preemie baby, we sometimes forget to breathe. We weren't ready. We fall back from solid food to milk.
"I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready." (1 Corinthians 3:2)

Yesterday, I spent some time as a baby. Though by this time in my spiritual walk, I should be on solid foods, today I drank only milk. But God already knew it. "In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food!" (Hebrews 5:12)

I forgot to breathe today. But God provided me with believing friends, with prayers and encouragements. A pat on the back. A reminder to breathe.

Tomorrow's plan is to rest, rest and rest. But I first plan to eat solid food. I'm going to read my bible. Learn the "elementary truths" all over again. And pray and give thanks to Him who is so incredibly patient with me as I try to mature from a baby to an adult in my christian walk.

Power in Weakness

2009-07-06T21:12:00.009-04:00

"My Little Princess"

Yesterday, I woke up feeling really good and was excited about going to church after being gone for the last two weeks. It was so good to be back. Carl and I got to play a piano and organ duet of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and except for some nerves it was neat to be able to play with him. The scripture reading the pastor had chosen was II Corinthians 12:2-10. As I was reading the scripture, I came to verse 9 "And he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." While reading that verse, I was so moved by the Holy Spirit, I had to pause for a moment before I could go on. I have always liked that scripture, but I didn't know why, this time, I was so gripped emotionally by it. Until much later. Throughout the rest of the service, that verse echoed over and over in my mind. During lunch and the ride home, the verse kept repeating itself.

I really didn't do a good job of energy management, because by the time I got home, ironed a uniform and got ready for work, my energy and strength were used up. As I walked from the parking garage into the hospital, that verse came to mind once again.

But, this time, I realized why God had used that verse to speak to me today. I was weak. He knew I would be weak as I prepared to go back to work full-time. So He told me over and over again, that His strength would be perfect in my weakness. His grace would be enough for all my needs. Now I understood! How perfect is His timing, that this verse would be the one chosen for worship today. How perfect that He would remind me, not once, not twice, but over and over again, that He would supply all of my needs.

I worked Sunday. And I worked today. And God's promise, as always, was true. His strength was perfect. I had enough strength and energy to do the very thing that I love to do. Taking care of very tiny, sick babies.

And to top it off, God blessed me with a special surprise today! I had a surprise visit from a family whose baby I had been a primary nurse for in the NICU. I call her "my little princess". She was born at a little over a pound and is now a 9 1/2 pound, healthy, beautiful baby girl. As I held her in my arms today, she smiled at me and my heart overflowed with thankfulness. And at that very moment, I heard the words to that verse once again. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."