I went into work this morning and really didn't give much thought to the ultrasounds the day before as knew I would be seeing the surgeon the next day. I really was anxious to see if Addie had done OK through the night without her oxygen. She had a few dips but managed to stay on room air. I just put the O2 tubing in her bed to ward off evil spirits but she didn't have to have it much. She did like to quit breathing (a premature baby thing). Whenever she quit breathing I would go over and open her portholes and tell her if she didn't breathe I was going to put my "ice cold" hand on her. That was usually enough to get her started again :). I love that baby!
The day went without a hitch until 6:00 when I decided to find out my results from the ultrasounds. As I read the reports I started to panic. By the time I was done, I was crying and knew that the single most thing in life that I was terrified of was about to be a reality for me. The tests showed a category 5 (5 being the highest) of malignancy of the breast tumor and axillary mass.
I was so overwhelmed that I had to leave work. I called Carl and told him I was coming home early and that I had the report form the tests. I gave him the report and again fell apart. He said, maybe the biopsy would show differently and that this was just an ultrasound. But I knew that that a category 5 was a very probable diagnosis. I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why at that point I didn't just ask God for some peace but I didn't. I felt no peace only panic.
I went to bed thinking that when I woke up the dream would be over. But it wasn't.

Today, I went to work at the hospital. My little "Addie" is growing like a little weed. She has overcome such obstacles and her mommy and daddy are so thankful for her progress. I'm hoping we can get her off of her oxygen today. I think she's ready.
At 11:00 I walked over to MD Anderson to have my mammogram and ultrasound. I still didn't have the least bit of concern. I had just made the comment to a friend at the hospital a few days before that I "felt better than I have in years." After many pictures and then more pictures I thought "Uh-Oh. I think this is going to run a lot longer than my lunch hour." Then the ultrasounds. They spent much time going over and over the lump. I knew the lymph node was huge and could see that on the screen but didn't know what the other pictures were showing. After 20 minutes of that, the radiologist came in. We recognized each other immediately as I had taken care of his premature twin girls 4 years earlier. He took many more ultrasound pictures. We chatted about his girls and he even went to get Christmas pictures of them and gave them to me to put in my "book of babies".
When, he finished with the ultrasound, he asked me if I had ever been to see a surgeon. I said yes and told him who it was. He said "I think you should see a surgeon and have a biopsy to check further on the lump." I had slight concern with that but as we continued to talk about the course of his girls in the NICU, I quickly quit worrying about the ultrasound and started worrying about how long I had been gone from the hospital. By then it was 1:00.
When I finished tending to my babies, it was 2:00 and I called the surgeon's office to get an appointment. Thinking, I wouldn't get an appointment for a couple of weeks, I was quite surprised to find out that Dr. Gross, the radiologist, had already called Dr. Willard, the surgeon, and they had scheduled me for an appointment the next day.
That was the first time that I realized that God was working through all of this. Of all the radiologists that day, only God would have me to go to the one whom I had taken care of his babies. Only God would find a doctor who would take his time to call another doctor and get me in to see her immediately.
I would soon see that wasn't to be the last time I would realize God's active presence in this journey.

A couple of days before Christmas, I felt a large lump under my arm. It wasn't painful and since it didn't hurt and I wasn't sick, I figured it was just a swollen lymph gland and that this was my body's way of fighting off a virus or an infection. The Christmas season was busy with work, church, family and all the hustle and bustle that goes along with the holidays. I felt so blessed to have all of my family (except Brent who was still in Iraq) here for Christmas.
On January 2nd, I thought the lump under my arm seemed larger, although still not painful. While I was laying on my side and trying to decide if the large lump was something to be concerned about, I found a small lump in my breast on the same side as the one under my arm. I knew then that this was something to get checked out immediately.
Because I was up to date on my mammograms, I still felt no real cause for concern. But scheduled an appointment with my Dr. who immediately scheduled a mammogram and ultrasound.
From here, the journey began. I was a bit late in starting this blog because at first I didn't realize the magnitude of the work God was about to do in my life. As it became more and more evident that this was to be a long journey I felt compelled by the Holy Spirit to share with others how God is working through my life. The ups and the downs. I don't know how the story will end nor where I will end up at the end of the journey. I only know that my God walks with me every step of the way. He loves me when I follow Him and loves me when I fail Him. He will never leave me and through it all will give me His peace (John 14:27).