Today we went to see Dr. Willard. We had prayed the night before that if she was the surgeon that God had in mind that we would receive a peace about it. Our appointment was at 2:30 and we got there at 2:00 so we walked over to see Harry Lackey who is a sweet man from our church in a nursing home across the street. We visited with him and Carl pushed his wheelchair outside so he could enjoy the sunshine.
When it was time for our appointment we waited in the waiting room for a few minutes. She has a huge dog in her waiting room. Some find that strange but it didn’t bother me. Carl had his doubts about the dog. But he was keeping an open mind until after we had seen her. I had my Gator shirt and jacket on (as usual). Soon Dr. Willard came in from the hospital wearing a red scrub top and black pants. She told us she would be right in to see us. We went back into the room and when she came in she had changed her shirt and was now wearing a gator scrub top I LIKE HER!
She went over all my history and the ultrasound reports. Through all of it she stayed positive but didn’t give us any warm fuzzies. She basically said we wouldn’t know if it was malignant until she got in there. She will do a lumpectomy and axillary node dissection. She will have some idea while I am on the table with a frozen section but wouldn’t know 100% until the pathology reports were in. She said that she would try to preserve the muscles in the arm as best as she could and try to reduce any major swelling from taking out lymph nodes. I told her I really appreciated that because I didn’t want to not be able to play my harp.
By the time we left her office, having spent an hour and 45 minutes with her we knew that she was indeed the right surgeon. She not only cared about me but about Carl also. She continually looked at and talked to both of us.
Surgery is scheduled for Monday morning. But whatever happens, I know that it is all part of His plan. I hope for the best but know that whatever the outcome He will give me His peace.

I woke up this morning, feeling the same way I went to bed. Panicked. Wednesday, is usually a good day for me. I love going to bible study. I love the children's choir and I love adult choir. But today, I wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep until the dream was over. My heart wasn't into any of it. I kept reading the report from the day before over and over again. Before I left for bible study, I checked my work e-mail as I always do in the mornings. I receive a daily devotional by Os Hilman called TGIF (Today God is First). It is a devotional designed for workplace believers but really applies to all areas of our lives. On the mornings I work, I always go into the hospital early, find a quiet computer somewhere, read my devotional and pray. Then I am ready to start my day. Most days I find the devotional relevant to my daily situation and some days it doesn't speak to me as well as others. But this day was different than any other I had ever experienced! I have posted it below.


The Purpose of the Desert
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman
Wednesday, January 07 2009

Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. - Hosea 2:14
If you have an important message to convey to someone, what is the best means of getting the message through? Have you ever tried to talk with someone who was so busy you could not get him to hear you? Distractions prevent us from giving our undivided attention to the messenger. So too, God has His way of taking us aside to get our undivided attention. For Paul, it was Arabia for three years; for Moses, it was 40 years in the desert; for Joseph, it was 13 years in Egypt; for David, it was many years of fleeing from King Saul.
God knows the stubborn human heart. He knows that if He is to accomplish His deepest work, He must take us into the desert in order to give us the privilege to be used in His Kingdom. In the desert God changes us and removes things that hinder us. He forces us to draw deep upon His grace. The desert is only a season in our life. When He has accomplished what He wants in our lives in the desert, He will bring us out. He has given us a mission to fulfill that can only be fulfilled after we have spent adequate time in preparation in the desert. Fear not the desert, for it is here you will hear God's voice like never before. It is here you become His bride. It is here you will have the idols of your life removed. It is here you begin to experience the reality of a living God like never before. Someone once said, "God uses enlarged trials to produce enlarged saints so He can put them in enlarged places!"
He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me (2 Samuel 22:20).

As I was reading this I felt as though God Himself was standing beside me speaking. My first thought was "Oh no. This really is true. God couldn't get my attention because I was so busy with the "things of the world" that he is going to lead me into the desert and it would be called Cancer. But as I read it over and over each word told me of His plan for my life. He wants to accomplish a deep work in me. He will take me into the desert. He will change me. He will remove things in my life that are more important than Him. He will tame my stubborn heart. But I need not be afraid. It is only for a season and during this season I will hear His voice like I have never heard it before! I will journey through this desert with a real, living God!
I am no longer panic stricken. I have a peace that I didn't have an hour ago. I know that the Living God has spoken to me and I need to tell anyone who will listen!!

I went to church and was able to share with Pastor Steve how God had spoken to me. We had prayer. I went to bible study and was enlightened by the lesson. I went to children’s choir and had a wonderful time with the children. I enjoyed adult choir and singing and praying with our choir family.
The very things that I had dreaded doing this morning were the things that gave me the most pleasure at the end of the day. Oh how often we see these as obligations; prayer, devotionals, study of the Word, children, choir practice. When they are in reality God’s way of making our life more abundant .

I went into work this morning and really didn't give much thought to the ultrasounds the day before as knew I would be seeing the surgeon the next day. I really was anxious to see if Addie had done OK through the night without her oxygen. She had a few dips but managed to stay on room air. I just put the O2 tubing in her bed to ward off evil spirits but she didn't have to have it much. She did like to quit breathing (a premature baby thing). Whenever she quit breathing I would go over and open her portholes and tell her if she didn't breathe I was going to put my "ice cold" hand on her. That was usually enough to get her started again :). I love that baby!
The day went without a hitch until 6:00 when I decided to find out my results from the ultrasounds. As I read the reports I started to panic. By the time I was done, I was crying and knew that the single most thing in life that I was terrified of was about to be a reality for me. The tests showed a category 5 (5 being the highest) of malignancy of the breast tumor and axillary mass.
I was so overwhelmed that I had to leave work. I called Carl and told him I was coming home early and that I had the report form the tests. I gave him the report and again fell apart. He said, maybe the biopsy would show differently and that this was just an ultrasound. But I knew that that a category 5 was a very probable diagnosis. I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why at that point I didn't just ask God for some peace but I didn't. I felt no peace only panic.
I went to bed thinking that when I woke up the dream would be over. But it wasn't.