Face to Face with Cancer

Next to the day I read my ultrasound reports, today has been the hardest day for me since this journey started.

Carl had to teach at the church from 8am to 4pm today. I had a 10:00 appointment to pick up my wig. I still had my hair though it was very thin and coming out in large handfuls. My plan had been to wear the wig until my hair had gotten so thin that Eric would shave it. I thought that it would be easier if Eric did it than someone else. But when I got to the wig shop, the wig could not be fitted correctly with my hair because it kept slipping off. Sarah recommended that I shave it all off then so she could fit it for me. I really was not prepared for that. I didn't think I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to go to church tomorrow with a new wig. I knew that if I drove to Eric's house and he shaved it, I would have to drive back to the wig shop with no hair at all. I felt like a caged animal with no where to go. Sarah tried to make light of it. "It is only hair" she said, "You still have your life." I knew that but it didn't help. Why was this such a difficult thing for me?

Feeling like I was trapped and taking too much of her time with my indecision, I told her to just shave it. The sound of the clippers made me nauseous. My hair all over the floor brought tears to my eyes. I purposely made myself think of the last few days with Brent coming home and the birth of two new grandbabies to try to drown out the sound of the clippers.
When she finished shaving, she put the wig on before she turned me to face the mirror. I left with a new style and a new color (the remnants of my red hair lying all over the floor).
Although I wanted to be in Carl's arms, I was thankful that he was'nt home. After about an hour of walking mindlessly around the house I stood in front of the mirror and forced myself to take off the wig. I looked like my Marine son, Brent.
It was then that I fell apart. I cried out from the depths of my heart. Why was I having to go through this. I have tried to live a good life. Did I deserve this? I felt total despair. I wondered how I would ever be able to let Carl see. I thought of Job and all that he went through.
After several minutes, I whispered a silent plea for God to get me through this. I didn't hear His voice like I have so many times before, but I knew He was there and He felt my pain. He understood.
In the quietness, it came to me why this was such an overwhelming step for me. I have really never been a vain person. Not into a lot of make up or fancy clothes. I believe beauty comes from the inside out but, I do think that it is hard for any woman to lose her hair. For me though, looking at my bald head was a stark slap in the face reminder that I had Cancer. So far this disease had not consumed me. Yes, I had surgery. Yes, I got my chemo treatment. Yes, I had been nauseous for six days. But I feel good and I don't look sick. Now as I look in the mirror, it is a stark slap in the face reminder that I have Cancer! I don't think I had been in denial, just chose to try not to think about it all the time. Now, there would be no denying it, to myself or anyone else. I was face to face with this disease.
I drove to the church and met Carl and he said I was beautiful. He hugged me and held me as I cried. He is so good to me. Carl and I went to Eric and Katie's. We watched Eric and his friends laughing and playing horse shoes. We watched Dylan and Jayda laughing as they jumped on the trampoline. I held sweet baby Cooper and silently thanked God for this moment in time that I was enjoying. I had a wonderful husband, beautiful supportive children and sweet grandchildren. When I got home, there was a valentine card in the mail from baby John whom I had taken care of in the NICU and his brother Anthony who I came to love. It said "You are the best nurce". Love Baby John and Anthony. What a a delight! Yes, I had my life and my life is good.
I also have my favorite promise Lamentations 3:23. He gives me" fresh new mercies every morning."
Tonight as I go to sleep, I will thank God for giving me this day, hard as it was, and for the fresh new morning and blessings He will give me when I awake.

Welcome Baby Ches !

We had a wonderful day yesterday listening to Brent
share his pictures and stories with us of his
experiences in Iraq. I still couldn't believe that he was
home. I was still in awe at how God had answered my
prayers so completely for his safe return. We went to
the base exchange and walked around with Brent,
Sabrina and Lincoln. Holly and the boys joined us and
we all had a family dinner at a Chinese Buffet. Brent
was enjoying each American meal he had. Sabrina
(who is 8 months pregnant said that her back was
hurting). I said it looks like maybe the baby is trying to
get in position. With a month still to go, I hoped the
back pains would continue on for long.
After dinner Brent was so tired he could barely see
straight. (He had pretty much been awake since they
left Kuwait several days earlier). They headed home
and we headed back to our hotel room to all get a
good night's sleep.
At 2:15 am the phone rang. It was Brent telling us
that Sabrina's water had broken and they were
headed to the hospital. I couldn't believe what I was
hearing! I said to Carl "Wouldn't it be wonderful if we
were here when Ches was born?"
When we got to the hospital Sabrina was in active
labor and about an hour and a half later I heard a
sound that fills a heart like no other sound can do. The sound
of my newest grandchild's first cry.
Ches Alan came into the world at 6lbs 2 oz 18 inches
long with a loud lusty cry.
As soon as I heard his cry I knew that this well
orchestrated plan could only have been conducted by
God. If left to chance, what would the chances have
been for us to be up there for this birth? We had
planned to leave just a few hours later. Certainly God
made it all possible for us to be there.
As I sat in the nursery and held this new life for the
first time I was overwhelmed with gratitude once
again. I looked into the eyes of this tiny baby and saw
God's deep and abiding love.
For the first time ever, it didn't matter that I was
losing all my hair, that I was fighting an aggressive cancer, that I would undergo chemotherapy for year or face radiation and surgery.
All of these worries were extinguished as I saw God's
light through the eyes of this new baby.
This is the light that sustains us through the hard times. It is my prayer that I can let His light shine before men so that all will know from whence my joy comes.

Our American Soldier

This morning I awoke to the sound of little voices. We got to North Carolina late last night after a long 12 hour drive. We shared a hotel room with Holly and the boys and fell into bed. I awoke to see Wyatt standing in the Pack and Play with a sweet smile and a little hand waving good morning. Every day should start that way. I have been anticipating this day for last 7 months since Brent left. How would he look? How would he act? Would he be distant like he was when he came back from Boot Camp? All of the questions ran through my head and the minutes of the morning seemed like hours until we could go to the Base and wait for the buses. We made "Welcome Home" signs to wave when we saw the buses. We bundled up the babies and ourselves as the high was only to be 48 degrees. I suppose it seems selfish to admit, but I had been asking God to let me keep my hair until Brent came home.Today was day 14 since starting chemo and the hair loss is supposed to start on day 10-14. I didn't know what Brent had been thinking over in Iraq since hearing about my diagnosis but I didn't want him to step off of the bus and see me with no hair. It was important to me for him to see that I looked and felt well. As we headed off to the base, I silently thanked God for the full head of hair I had today.
The fences along the road leading to the base were lined with large banners welcoming home the Marines of Weapons Company 1/2. The streets were lined with anxious families all waiting to see their Marine. News reporters were there from all the TV stations. Wives with tiny babies in their arms waiting to meet their Daddy for the first time. Grandparents with canes and silver hair sitting in chairs waiting for their grandchild. Cars decorated with Welcome Home graffiti. I remembered, as if it were yesterday, the heavy sadness I felt as the buses pulled onto the base ready to pick up our Marine children who would leave for 7 months. Many of these young boys had never even been out of their hometown and now would be leaving for a country far away that they knew nothing about.
But today the emotions were high. As the buses rounded the corner, Toby Keith was singing "An American Soldier". As they got closer cheers and applause rang out from the crowd and Lee Greenwood began singing "I'm proud to be an American". The Marines got off of the buses and stood at Full attention for at least 5 minutes. I commented at how disciplined they were because we knew that it was the desire of every Marine in that formation line to run to their waiting family members . But they are first and foremost Marines. Finally, they were released. Tears of joy, hugs and kisses was the universal language here. Brent looked wonderful. He was thinner than when he left but he was smiling and happy. A news reporter came up to Brent with a microphone and asked Brent what he was feeling right now. He said "America is the best country in the world and I'm glad to be home".
We asked him what his first choice of food was and he chose a steak at Texas Roadhouse. Carl asked him what time zone he was on and Brent said he hadn't slept in so long he had no idea. But as soon as he finished dinner he was exhausted. He went home to enjoy a full night's sleep in a bed, in a house, in a country that was free.
I was so thankful for the blessings of the day. God had surrounded Brent with His angels as I had prayed each and every day while he was gone.We went back to the hotel room tired but happy. As I lay on the bed I began to play with little Logan. I whispered a short prayer for God to Bless this child as he grows and keep him in his care. Logan then looked straight into my eyes with his big brown eyes and reached up for my hair. When I looked down he had large handful of my hair in his tiny hand. I cried. Yes, I cried because I knew that God had granted my wish for hair for this day. I cried also because God knew that if I had to see large clumps of hair come out, it would be easier in the hands of my baby grandson.
God didn't promise that each day on our journey would be easy. What He did promise was to fill the difficult days with His love, His peace and, yes, His joy. The pride and joy that I felt watching my son step off of that bus today came only from God. The peace that I felt knowing he was home safe came only from God.
Thank you Brent for your service to America!
Thank you Lord for your faithful promises !