Whatever It Takes

We just spent a wonderful week of Spring Break. Carl had the week off and we decided to take a week to relax. On Saturday we went to Epcot and saw the flower and garden festival. It was absolutely beautiful. We enjoyed walking around the park. It was a beautiful day. We even laughed as we chased my hat each time the wind blew it off. We ate at the German restaurant for the first time and walked out so full we could barely walk.

Monday we went to the Magic Kingdom with 5 million other spring breakers. After a couple of hours we went back to Epcot and spent the rest of the day walking around admiring the flowers and stuffing ourselves again at the German restaurant. Except for the bone pain, I had no trouble keeping up with Carl for 2 days of being playing tourist.

Tuesday we planted flowers at our house. Though it didn't quite measure up to Epcot they look beautiful in our yard. Carl planted the begonias in the shape of a treble clef and base clef. In the afternoon we went to see a movie, but we were so tired, we both slept through the entire movie.

Wednesday, we got to have lunch with Eric, Katie, Jayda and new baby Cooper. Being April fools day, Jayda said "Granny, I played a trick on Daddy this morning." I asked her what she did. She smiled that mischievous smile that I had seen many times on her daddy. "Well," she said, "I went into Daddy's room and cried. Daddy asked me what was wrong and I said. "I dropped baby Cooper on the floor on accident." I guess it got a reaction from Daddy. I laughed until I cried.

Thursday we went to Alabama to see my sister, brother-in-law and wonderful niece Jenna. We spent a relaxing 2 days visiting, enjoying the beauty of the country, watching Jenna ride Tank and play softball. We drove back Saturday night in time to enjoy a birthday dinner with our good friends, the Zabels.

The best part of the Spring Break week was today. Today was Palm Sunday. The beginning of Holy Week. Our choir presented a cantata called "The Love of Jesus". We had been practicing for weeks. I had sung it many times in the car as I practiced with the CD. But today, as I sang, God spoke to my heart several times. A time or two I was so moved by the music I could barely sing. As I sang the words to this song, I asked God to break my stubborn will and help me to do whatever it takes to draw closer to Him.

There's a voice calling me from an old rugged tree and it whispers "Draw closer to me."
Leave this world far behind. There are new heights to climb.
And a new place in Me you will find.
And whatever it takes, to draw closer to you Lord.
That's what I'll be willing to do.
And whatever it takes for my will to break
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Spring is a time to start anew. We do spring cleaning in our homes. We change our wardrobe to light, bright colors. We plant new flowers. I am grateful for the wonderful spring break week God allowed me to experience. I thank Him for allowing me to start anew when I make mistakes and fail to do His will. And I will praise Him for the new heights He would have me to climb, and pray that each and every day I would be able to do whatever it takes to draw closer to Him.

Confessions of a Control Freak

It is a new day!! I can't change a thing about yesterday. I can't control what will happen tomorrow. But I can control how I react to today.
I confess to being a control freak. A weakness in my life that God has had to "teach me about" for many years. (I think He would say I am a slow learner). I like my house in order. I can control that. I like to do my job 110%. I can control that. I like to be involved in doing things for people that make a difference. I can control that.

I have spent the last several days trying to figure out how I could control this desert of cancer. In doing so I have literally exhausted myself. What can I do to increase my chances of beating this disease? What can I do to have the energy I used to have? What can I do when I see someone out jogging (which I used to do) but now have such sore bones it is a struggle to walk fast. What can I do to prevent losing my fingernails and not be able to work? What can I do to fight discouragement? What can I do to find my positive attitude that seems to be lost somewhere? How can I take control ?

Well, I woke up this morning with the answer. It was the first thought I had as I opened my eyes. It's the same answer that God has given me everytime I try to take control from Him. (I told you I was a slow learner) .
There is only one thing I can do. I can make a conscious decision to give it all to God and let Him BE IN CONTROL. All of it. Not the parts I want Him to have. Okay Lord. Thank you for the thousandth time for your patience with me. Thank you for gently and patiently teaching me over and over and over again.

And this morning, I have the smile back. There is a joy in my heart. My spirit is light because I don't have to try and control everything that happens today. I don't have to figure out how to control tomorrow. I can use my energy to be thankful for the many things that He has done for me. The only thing I have to do is make a conscious decision to praise Him when doubts creep in.
He will do the rest!

Lamentations 3:23 - He gives NEW mercies fresh every morning!

The Real Enemy

I have discovered that the mental battle against this disease is just as hard (if not harder) than the physical battle. I know what the physical symptoms are and can for the most part treat them with a medication of some sort. But the mental battle deals with the unknown. There is not a quick pill for that.

Today someone that I knew died of liver cancer. He was such a kind man and I really cared for him. He was only diagnosed a short time ago. He went peacefully with a smile on his face and for that I am thankful.
When I heard about his death, I was on the way home from Jacksonville to Orlando and was at that moment stopped in a 3 mile back up of traffic. My mind started reeling. The questions and doubts began again. I thought about how my chemotherapy has not made me as sick as some people I have read about. "Does that mean it's not working?" I asked myself. I once again thought about the staggering statistics of metastasis with my type of cancer. "Is it spreading as I sit here?" Is the bone pain I have from the chemotherapy or has the cancer spread to my bones?" "How do I know I am even beating this?" By the time I got to Orlando, I was mentally exhausted.

Carl and I went to Cheesecake factory for dinner. I stared at the menu. Why did making a choice on the menu like such an overwhelming task? When we finished eating, we were going to walk around the mall but we didn't because Carl thought I was too tired. I wasn't tired! My mind was tired. I wanted to walk around the mall and think about nothing as I looked in the store windows. But, we went home.
I asked Carl what he might like to do for his birthday. Did he want us to do something together, or have a get-together at the house with a bunch of friends or invite friends to go out to eat together. He said "whatever you would like". I know that he wants to make it easy on me. But I thought I might scream. I can't seem to make choices about anything today. I don't want to decide anything! I knew this was unfair to him and I was disappointed in myself for not planning anything.

I went out to the swing and sat looking at the night sky. The moon illuminated the cloudy sky with a soft hue. Where are the stars tonight? Why do I look up and see only clouds? Have I cluttered my mind so much that I can't see clearly?
"Lord," I prayed, "I know this is not how you want me to feel. Please speak to me."

In the quiet of the night I thought about my mom. She had always taught us that if we really wanted God to speak to us, we could open the bible to any page and ask God to reveal Himself to us through the words we were about to read. So I went in and got my bible and opened it. It opened to the Book of Psalms. I started at the top of the page. Psalms 13. "Oh Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with this anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord, my God! Restore the light to my eyes or I will die. Don't let my enemies gloat, saying "We have defeated him!" Don't let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He has been so good to me!"

My mom was right. God had just supplied my prayer and my answer! David was a man of God. But he too struggled with anguish and questions. He spoke in his psalm of the enemy. I now realize that the enemy in my life is NOT the cancer but the doubt, and I will not let it rejoice at my downfall!
Lamentations 3:23 reminds me again that He gives us new mercies fresh every morning. When I wake to the new morning, I will "sing to the Lord because He has been so good to me and I will trust in His unfailing love!"