I think this last round of A/C did me in. I told Carl I thought maybe they gave me extra for good measure since it was the last round. Whatever the reason, I am so happy there will be no more of that cocktail. The nausea has been non-stop and the fatigue has progressed to total exhaustion. After sleeping almost 12 hours last night I got up, took a shower and went back to bed. Carl went to work at the church and I slept. Carl came home and started teaching and I slept. Finally at 5:00 in the afternoon I got ready to go to church for our Maundy Thursday service.
As soon as the service started, I began to feel better. Perhaps because I took my mind off of myself and put it on Christ. The altar was beautifully decorated with the glow of 12 candles that represented each of the disciples. The evening sun shone through the stained glass window and illuminated the faces of those in worship. The organ sang a sweet melodious song of praise. The sound of the congregation lifting their voices in praise filled the air.
During the service there was a video clip of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. For some reason, the sound wouldn't work so we just watched the video. But, the look of anguish on Jesus' face in the Garden spoke volumes to my heart. The picture needed no sound at all. I could hear His voice crying out "Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me , yet not my will but yours be done ". In the silence I heard Him say, "I did this for you, Roxanne, because I love you!!" Tears of gratefulness filled my eyes. How can I possibly say "thank you" What can I possibly do to give back?
I can give Him my heart. I can surrender my life. I can give Him my will. I can pray as He prayed, "Father not my will but thine."
Jesus was afraid, disappointed, confused and exhausted that night in the Garden. He has experienced exactly what we experience in our lives. He understands. He's not someone who sits up in the sky on a throne. He is a living, personal friend who loves us and wants to care for us. And because of that I can have a light of joy that can never be extinguished!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Friendship in the Pit
Yeah!! One hurdle crossed. Yesterday was the last of the 4 Adriamycin & Cytoxan treatments. Now onto 12 weekly treatments of Taxotere. I was a little concerned about the port working after so much trouble with it the last time but with all the prayers and about 10 minutes of all but standing on my head, it worked like a charm! Thanks for the prayers.
Even though this was the last of this chemo cocktail, it was certainly not the easiest. My blood work shows significant anemia, hence the fatigue and shortness of breath. But the nausea was wicked. I was sick all day and was disappointed I had to miss Eric's first softball game of the season. But they smoked 'em 24-1 so I guess I didn't miss much of a game I.finally gave in tothe nausea and took the Phenergan. "Night night" for 14 hrs. I wish they could kind a anti-nausea drug that didn't put you in a coma.
Woke up feeling a little better today. There is a magic pill called Emend that you get to take for 3 days. It doesn't make you sleepy and works great for about 6 hours. So I am enjoying the benefits of that today. Wish that could be something you could take everyday though.
I opened my e-mail today, and as He has done several times in the past, God spoke to me in a devotional. I wanted to share it with you.
Friendship in the Pit
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman Wednesday, April 08 2009
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." - Proverbs 17:17 "I am in there again," I told my friend. "The pit." A time when no one can cheer you up and you wonder if there ever was or is a God. Have you ever had such times? Discouragement can be devastating even to the best of saints. It can bring us so low. The writer of Proverbs phrased it well when he said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). When we get so low that we despair of our belief, we can identify with the prophet Elijah who wanted to die after being so discouraged with life. "I'm coming over," my friend said. "Aw, you don't have to do that," I said. "I'm coming over. We're going to pray." About 30 minutes later my friend walked in the door. We sat in living room and my friend began to pray. I didn't feel like praying. I was too deep in the pit. All I could do was listen. After awhile my friend was quiet. We both sat quietly for ten to fifteen minutes, praying quietly to ourselves. Suddenly my friend said, "First Thessalonians 5:24!" "What verse is that?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said. "That is the verse He spoke to me."
I grabbed my Bible and looked up the verse. "The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it." We laughed. Can He be so personal? Can He care that much? That night I grew more in my love of my two friends, not to mention being brought out of the pit. Do you have a friend who is there when you need somebody at any hour of the day? Are you there for your friend? Ask the Lord how you can be a better friend to someone today.
As I read this I thanked God for all the friends He has given me. Friends at church, friends at work, friends I have never even met, new friends I have made as a result of this journey. My friends let me ride on their hope when mine is dim and most importantly, My friends pray for me.
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!!
Even though this was the last of this chemo cocktail, it was certainly not the easiest. My blood work shows significant anemia, hence the fatigue and shortness of breath. But the nausea was wicked. I was sick all day and was disappointed I had to miss Eric's first softball game of the season. But they smoked 'em 24-1 so I guess I didn't miss much of a game I.finally gave in tothe nausea and took the Phenergan. "Night night" for 14 hrs. I wish they could kind a anti-nausea drug that didn't put you in a coma.
Woke up feeling a little better today. There is a magic pill called Emend that you get to take for 3 days. It doesn't make you sleepy and works great for about 6 hours. So I am enjoying the benefits of that today. Wish that could be something you could take everyday though.
I opened my e-mail today, and as He has done several times in the past, God spoke to me in a devotional. I wanted to share it with you.
Friendship in the Pit
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman Wednesday, April 08 2009
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." - Proverbs 17:17 "I am in there again," I told my friend. "The pit." A time when no one can cheer you up and you wonder if there ever was or is a God. Have you ever had such times? Discouragement can be devastating even to the best of saints. It can bring us so low. The writer of Proverbs phrased it well when he said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). When we get so low that we despair of our belief, we can identify with the prophet Elijah who wanted to die after being so discouraged with life. "I'm coming over," my friend said. "Aw, you don't have to do that," I said. "I'm coming over. We're going to pray." About 30 minutes later my friend walked in the door. We sat in living room and my friend began to pray. I didn't feel like praying. I was too deep in the pit. All I could do was listen. After awhile my friend was quiet. We both sat quietly for ten to fifteen minutes, praying quietly to ourselves. Suddenly my friend said, "First Thessalonians 5:24!" "What verse is that?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said. "That is the verse He spoke to me."
I grabbed my Bible and looked up the verse. "The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it." We laughed. Can He be so personal? Can He care that much? That night I grew more in my love of my two friends, not to mention being brought out of the pit. Do you have a friend who is there when you need somebody at any hour of the day? Are you there for your friend? Ask the Lord how you can be a better friend to someone today.
As I read this I thanked God for all the friends He has given me. Friends at church, friends at work, friends I have never even met, new friends I have made as a result of this journey. My friends let me ride on their hope when mine is dim and most importantly, My friends pray for me.
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!!
Monday, April 6, 2009
A Better Than Others Good Day
To quote my good friend Deloris, " Every day is a good day. Just some days are better than others." Today was "Better than others good day". Being the day BEFORE chemo I felt good enough to go in to work. I love working. I love the job that God has provided for me. I love the feeling of satisfaction in being able to care for sick babies.
One of the things that has been hard with this cancer is that people assume you are too sick or tired to do anything. So they don't ask. For me that has been harder to deal with than some of the physical obstacles. I think that is one reason why I am so blessed being able to go to work. I have a feeling of contributing and being needed.
My two patients today would be what some consider tiny. But in our NICU population they are BIG (5 and 6 pounds). In fact one of the doctors asked me if they picked out 2 of the biggest babies in the unit for me to take care of today. But I loved it. They were adorable babies and would open their eyes and look at me as if to say "Thank you for taking care of me." I thank God for letting me be His hands in caring for these sick little ones.
Well, tomorrow is the last round of 4 treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. One leg of the journey will be completed. Yeah!! Got my Gator bag and my quilt and I'm ready to go.
Lamentations 3:23
One of the things that has been hard with this cancer is that people assume you are too sick or tired to do anything. So they don't ask. For me that has been harder to deal with than some of the physical obstacles. I think that is one reason why I am so blessed being able to go to work. I have a feeling of contributing and being needed.
My two patients today would be what some consider tiny. But in our NICU population they are BIG (5 and 6 pounds). In fact one of the doctors asked me if they picked out 2 of the biggest babies in the unit for me to take care of today. But I loved it. They were adorable babies and would open their eyes and look at me as if to say "Thank you for taking care of me." I thank God for letting me be His hands in caring for these sick little ones.
Well, tomorrow is the last round of 4 treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. One leg of the journey will be completed. Yeah!! Got my Gator bag and my quilt and I'm ready to go.
Lamentations 3:23
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