Two weeks ago, I saw a genetic counselor about the risk of passing this breast cancer on to my children and grandchildren. There is a test out called the BRCA test and it looks for a mutation in the BRCA gene that could be passed on to future generations. If the test is positive for the mutation, there is a significantly higher risk of the cancer being hereditary. I had the test done and proceeded to wait and pray.
The outcome of this test weighed more heavily on my heart than any other test or biopsy result, since this journey began. For I waited with a mother's heart. For a mother, it is one thing to fight a disease yourself and quite another to know you have passed it on to your children or grandchildren. I couldn't bear the fact that I might have been responsible for that.
So I prayed and I prayed. But, this prayer was different. And ashamedly, I knew it.
Throughout this journey, I have truly been open for His will to be done in my life, whatever that meant. When I pray, I ask God for my wishes, but end my prayer with the words that Jesus spoke, "Thy Will Be Done." But I just could not bring myself, this time, to say those words. I asked only for negative results. I felt selfish, but this mother's heart just couldn't ask for anything but good for my children.
But God knows a mother's heart. He knows every heart.
And I prayed. And I asked everyone I knew to pray. And they all prayed.
Last night, I had a hard time getting to sleep, thinking about this morning's appointment. I got up and wrote a scripture on a little piece of paper that was sent to me yesterday by a friend. "I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and fortress where I will not be shaken." (Psalm 62:5-6). I read that scripture over and over again until I fell asleep.
This morning, as Carl and I walked into the office to receive the results, I prayed once more, and whispered a prayer of thanks for all who were praying with me.
And God answered that prayer!! The tests were all negative!! No mutations! This will not be passed on to my children and grandchildren by any bad genes. Thank You, Thank you Lord!!
I don't pretend to know why God answers prayer in the way He does. For His ways are Higher than my ways and His thoughts are Higher than my thoughts. I don't know why He honored my prayer, for I am deserving of nothing. But I do know that I will kneel humbly before Him , giving Him thanks and praise for answering the prayer of a mother's heart.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A Needed Boost
I think after yesterday's oncologist visit and chemo, God just seemed to know I needed a little boost, because everywhere I turned He was there to boost me up.
When I got home, I received two beautiful cards in the mail from friends at work. The words inside were reminders of how much I am cared about in the NICU. What a lift those cards brought.
Then, I received a beautiful e-mail from Ann. I had told her about the discouraging visit with the oncologist and I know the words in her note were spoken by God, meant for my heart. Part of her note said, "When you were talking about what the doctor had said - I heard God telling you that He has it in control and what He wants from you is for you to trust Him and live each day to the fullest. He has it under control. I am sure that is the scariest thing to trust Him with, given our profession, but He is saying, "you must - I will take care of you - give me your life and let Me hold it in my hands". I'm praying for you and Carl extra special this evening - to just let go and let God."
Not long after that my little grandson Wyatt called and rambled on and on to me in his little 2 year old language. But the words at the end of his monologue were spoken as clear as a bell as he said "I wuv you Granny." Oh God, how good you are to me!!!
About 30 minutes later, my daughter-in-law Katie called and asked if I wanted to hear something. She put her phone on speakerphone and I heard my little grandbaby Cooper laugh out loud for the first time! Oh God, how good you are to me!!!
When Carl finished teaching he took me over to Eric's game for awhile and I watched him play. As I focused on him on the field, he turned into the little 9 year old boy that used to play little league. Where had the time gone? What a joy he brings to my life now. Dylan and Jayda came running over from the playground and covered me with their sweaty body hugs and kisses. Oh God how good you are to me!!!
By the time we got home, the steroids had kicked in full blast. I knew there was no sleep in site so I got on the computer and started reading some posts from people who had read my blog. Notes telling me that they had been blessed by reading the blog. They were uplifting and encouraging, some from people who were fighting the same battle. A reminder from God that He has a purpose in all of this.
Then a little e-mail from Alyssa, a sweet young girl at church, saying I was in her thought and prayers. One blessing right after another, all day long!!
God indeed reminded me yesterday of how close He is and how much He desires to give me joy in my life. And I wonder. Was it more evident yesterday because I was in need? Or has it been evident every day, but I have just failed to recognize it because things were going my way. Sadly, I think it is the latter.
But this morning when I woke up, in spite of the day after chemo symptoms, my heart is filled with trust in Him and a desire to live this day to the fullest. And after yesterday, I can't wait to see what that will bring!!
Great is His Faithfulness. He gives me new mercies fresh Every Morning!! (Lamentations 3:23)
When I got home, I received two beautiful cards in the mail from friends at work. The words inside were reminders of how much I am cared about in the NICU. What a lift those cards brought.
Then, I received a beautiful e-mail from Ann. I had told her about the discouraging visit with the oncologist and I know the words in her note were spoken by God, meant for my heart. Part of her note said, "When you were talking about what the doctor had said - I heard God telling you that He has it in control and what He wants from you is for you to trust Him and live each day to the fullest. He has it under control. I am sure that is the scariest thing to trust Him with, given our profession, but He is saying, "you must - I will take care of you - give me your life and let Me hold it in my hands". I'm praying for you and Carl extra special this evening - to just let go and let God."
Not long after that my little grandson Wyatt called and rambled on and on to me in his little 2 year old language. But the words at the end of his monologue were spoken as clear as a bell as he said "I wuv you Granny." Oh God, how good you are to me!!!
About 30 minutes later, my daughter-in-law Katie called and asked if I wanted to hear something. She put her phone on speakerphone and I heard my little grandbaby Cooper laugh out loud for the first time! Oh God, how good you are to me!!!
When Carl finished teaching he took me over to Eric's game for awhile and I watched him play. As I focused on him on the field, he turned into the little 9 year old boy that used to play little league. Where had the time gone? What a joy he brings to my life now. Dylan and Jayda came running over from the playground and covered me with their sweaty body hugs and kisses. Oh God how good you are to me!!!
By the time we got home, the steroids had kicked in full blast. I knew there was no sleep in site so I got on the computer and started reading some posts from people who had read my blog. Notes telling me that they had been blessed by reading the blog. They were uplifting and encouraging, some from people who were fighting the same battle. A reminder from God that He has a purpose in all of this.
Then a little e-mail from Alyssa, a sweet young girl at church, saying I was in her thought and prayers. One blessing right after another, all day long!!
God indeed reminded me yesterday of how close He is and how much He desires to give me joy in my life. And I wonder. Was it more evident yesterday because I was in need? Or has it been evident every day, but I have just failed to recognize it because things were going my way. Sadly, I think it is the latter.
But this morning when I woke up, in spite of the day after chemo symptoms, my heart is filled with trust in Him and a desire to live this day to the fullest. And after yesterday, I can't wait to see what that will bring!!
Great is His Faithfulness. He gives me new mercies fresh Every Morning!! (Lamentations 3:23)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
All That We Need
Seven down and five to go!
I honestly don't know how anyone could travel this journey without God. Before the chemo today, I had my appointment with my oncologist. He is an incredibly intelligent man and in fact is the head of the education of all the residents and fellows at MD Anderson. He is also a bit on the conservative side in his approach to treatment. My anemia was actually worse than last week. (So much for the liver and onions). I told him I had to go back to work full time in a couple of weeks and asked if he had a magic pill for the fatigue and shortness of breath. He said the iron takes awhile to show some effect and he didn't want to transfuse blood or give iron infusions just yet. So we will see how it goes when it comes time to go back to work. Infection fighting cells are still down, but I have been very blessed in not getting sick. Thank you, Lord!
I asked him about follow up CT scans when we were finished with treatment. He then spent quite a long time telling us about this type of cancer. He said that many people spend their time after treatment going from one CT scan to another worrying over the results. It dominates their life and often causes emotional problems. When in fact with TNBC, if it comes back somewhere else it is not curable. The survival rate is no different if the cancer is found earlier or later. So basically, when treatment is finished, I wait. If I experience any unusual symptoms, such as a headache that doesn't want to go away or a cough that lasts for an unusual amount of time or unusual bone pain, then they would do a CT or bone scan to see if it's back. That was very difficult to hear. I think I knew that in the back recesses of my mind, but hearing it from him, spelled out so clearly, was really hard. Neither Carl nor I spoke as we headed up to the 5th floor for chemo as I am sure both of our minds were reeling from the doctor's conversation.
But God, never lets us journey through a desert without providing us exactly what we need along the way!
When we got to the 5th floor, GiGi and Elaine both greeted us with warm smiles as they always do and handed me a note. It was from my friend Ann, who had walked over to see me, but had an emergency back at the hospital and had to leave. Written on the note were the words to a hymn. The words were perfect. Of all the hymns in the hymn book, God led her to that one because He knew I needed to hear just those words. It was His way of saying, "You will not walk this journey alone. I will provide all that you need."
We walked into the chemo infusion room and my very favorite nurse Myra (Maggie as she likes to be called) was to be my nurse for the day. Carl and I were both happy. And God said "I will provide you exactly what you need for this journey."
Carl sat right there with me as he does week after week. The conversation from earlier was hard for him also. He watches all that goes on. He listens to all that the nurse has to say. He looks at all the labs. He helps with whatever I need. His presence says a thousand words without uttering a sound. And God said, "I will provide all that you need for the journey."
Ann, came back over for a few minutes, in spite of the many things she had to do, just to offer a hug and her prayers and encouragement. And God said ."I will meet all of your needs on this journey."
When we got home our pastor and good friend, Steve, called to check on us and see how our day went. To offer a listening ear and to lift us up in prayer. And God said "I will give you all that you need for the journey."
Sometimes, when the mountains before us seem extremely high, it is difficult to keep moving in faith, for the human spirit is weak. Sometimes we let our feelings take over instead of trusting in His promises. But I know that God walks the journey with us. He will provide all of our needs along the way for Isaiah 58:11 says, "The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."
"Thank you Lord, for walking with us. When the mountain seems too high, the path seems unclear, when it is dark, when we stumble, when we are afraid, you are there. You provide all that we need. We never have to journey alone. Help us to put our hope in you. Amen"
I honestly don't know how anyone could travel this journey without God. Before the chemo today, I had my appointment with my oncologist. He is an incredibly intelligent man and in fact is the head of the education of all the residents and fellows at MD Anderson. He is also a bit on the conservative side in his approach to treatment. My anemia was actually worse than last week. (So much for the liver and onions). I told him I had to go back to work full time in a couple of weeks and asked if he had a magic pill for the fatigue and shortness of breath. He said the iron takes awhile to show some effect and he didn't want to transfuse blood or give iron infusions just yet. So we will see how it goes when it comes time to go back to work. Infection fighting cells are still down, but I have been very blessed in not getting sick. Thank you, Lord!
I asked him about follow up CT scans when we were finished with treatment. He then spent quite a long time telling us about this type of cancer. He said that many people spend their time after treatment going from one CT scan to another worrying over the results. It dominates their life and often causes emotional problems. When in fact with TNBC, if it comes back somewhere else it is not curable. The survival rate is no different if the cancer is found earlier or later. So basically, when treatment is finished, I wait. If I experience any unusual symptoms, such as a headache that doesn't want to go away or a cough that lasts for an unusual amount of time or unusual bone pain, then they would do a CT or bone scan to see if it's back. That was very difficult to hear. I think I knew that in the back recesses of my mind, but hearing it from him, spelled out so clearly, was really hard. Neither Carl nor I spoke as we headed up to the 5th floor for chemo as I am sure both of our minds were reeling from the doctor's conversation.
But God, never lets us journey through a desert without providing us exactly what we need along the way!
When we got to the 5th floor, GiGi and Elaine both greeted us with warm smiles as they always do and handed me a note. It was from my friend Ann, who had walked over to see me, but had an emergency back at the hospital and had to leave. Written on the note were the words to a hymn. The words were perfect. Of all the hymns in the hymn book, God led her to that one because He knew I needed to hear just those words. It was His way of saying, "You will not walk this journey alone. I will provide all that you need."
We walked into the chemo infusion room and my very favorite nurse Myra (Maggie as she likes to be called) was to be my nurse for the day. Carl and I were both happy. And God said "I will provide you exactly what you need for this journey."
Carl sat right there with me as he does week after week. The conversation from earlier was hard for him also. He watches all that goes on. He listens to all that the nurse has to say. He looks at all the labs. He helps with whatever I need. His presence says a thousand words without uttering a sound. And God said, "I will provide all that you need for the journey."
Ann, came back over for a few minutes, in spite of the many things she had to do, just to offer a hug and her prayers and encouragement. And God said ."I will meet all of your needs on this journey."
When we got home our pastor and good friend, Steve, called to check on us and see how our day went. To offer a listening ear and to lift us up in prayer. And God said "I will give you all that you need for the journey."
Sometimes, when the mountains before us seem extremely high, it is difficult to keep moving in faith, for the human spirit is weak. Sometimes we let our feelings take over instead of trusting in His promises. But I know that God walks the journey with us. He will provide all of our needs along the way for Isaiah 58:11 says, "The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."
"Thank you Lord, for walking with us. When the mountain seems too high, the path seems unclear, when it is dark, when we stumble, when we are afraid, you are there. You provide all that we need. We never have to journey alone. Help us to put our hope in you. Amen"
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