Two Paths

Today was a very special day. It was my last chemotherapy treatment .

It has been a very busy couple of days at the hospital and I have been too tired to write anything when I got home. I teased with some of the girls at work this morning about how busy it was. I said "You know, it's pretty bad when you're so busy that you look forward to chemotherapy just to be able to sit down."

For me, this last treatment brought on mixed feelings. The past week, every time someone would say to me "Yay, your last treatment", I found it hard to share their enthusiasm. Some people might say, "What?? You should be jumping for joy today!" I guess it sounds crazy. But, even though I don't like the side effects of chemo, I had a sense of security that something was always going through my system to keep knocking out the cancer cells. It's kind of like when your child gets an ear infection and the doctor gives them an antibiotic. You feel relieved because you know he won't be sick as long as he is on the medicine. For 10 days you can rest easier, knowing the medicine is doing it's job.

Sometimes the walk on this journey seems like one of those maze games, where there are many winding paths that lead to a dead-end, but one path leads home. When it comes to the chemo treatments, I had wandered off of His path and started walking on my own path . But my path was a dangerous one. This particular path ends in cave. The cave is called "captivity." But God, in His mercy and faithfulness, showed me the two paths today.

Before work this morning, I spent a few moments in the locker room in prayer for the day. I just happened to open a book I had been reading as part of a summer bible study. It is written by Beth Moore. This was written in bold on the page I opened. "A Christian is made captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit Filled life God planned for her."

I put my book away and began my day, but those words kept coming to mind. I knew in my heart, I was being held captive! Putting all my hope and trust in the chemotherapy and not in the hands of the Lord had held me captive. My worries kept me from living abundantly. God made it very clear what path I was on. So I decided to cross over the little wooden bridge from the "self-filled" path to the "Spirit Filled" path. I decided to celebrate this day and be thankful for God's hand in helping me the last 6 months, through all the chemo treatments.

As I walked out of the hospital to go over to MD Anderson, the sun shone brighter and warmer than yesterday. I inhaled deeply and breathed in the fresh air of the gentle breeze. I listened to the birds singing sweetly in the trees. And I asked His forgiveness for wandering off of His path and strength for the treatment to come.

When I walked off the elevator, I was greeted by Nancy, who has provided me with homemade chicken soup through the chemo. She gave me a big hug and a little glass breast cancer angel bear as a token for finishing the chemo. Elaine, the wonderful receptionist on the chemo floor came around the corner with a vase filled with the most beautiful pink roses I have ever seen. They were from my dear friend Ann, to celebrate the last treatment. They were beautiful in the window and brought a sweet scent to the chemo room. As I started the chemo, I thought back to the very first treatment, 6 months ago, and how overwhelming it all seemed for Carl and I. God has brought us such a long way. While I was waiting on the labs, Carl came by and surprised me with a visit. He had to teach today so Ann came over after work and sat with me while I had the chemo.

The best part about the last treatment came at the end. There is a special bell that patients ring three times on the last day of their chemo. It is loud. And it announces to all the staff and any other patients there, that someone has just completed their chemo treatments. Some of the staff gathered around with Ann, while I rang the bell. What a tremendous blessing to rejoice and celebrate, with my dear friend in Christ, all that God had done in the last six months!

So now it's on to radiation. But I am not placing all my hope and trust in the radiation. I have crossed the little bridge from my "self-willed" path to His "Spirit Filled" path.
My hope and trust is in Him alone. And I will praise Him for all that He has already done!!

"For those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope."
( Isaiah 40:31 & Psalms 52:9)

The Best Medicine

When you are being treated for cancer there is a medicine for everything that ails you. Medicine for the nausea. Mild bone pain medicine. Stronger bone pain medicine. Something for the tingling in the fingers and toes. Something to increase your infection fighting cells. Medicine to keep you awake and medicine to put you to sleep. I have a "little bag" full of medications at home.

As I walked into the hospital for work this morning, I was thinking maybe I should have taken a few of those medicines from my "little bag" to get through the day.

But I quickly found that I didn't need them, because I received a much more effective medicine from God. It's the "best" medicine. The timing was so perfect throughout the day that it could have been labeled "Timed Release". A morning prayer time with a friend. The enthusiasm on the face of a new young nurse, as she gives report on her babies for that night. Hugs from friends I work with. A surprise visit from Carl for breakfast. The laughter of co-workers as we talk about funny things that happen to each other. The kind and encouraging words of a caring neonatologist. The loud lusty cry of a brand new 10 pound baby . The little kitten cry of a 2 pound baby who thinks she is 10 pounds.
The smell of the rain on the way home from the hospital. A late afternoon nap. A quiet dinner with Carl by the fireplace at Olive Garden.

Proverbs 17:22 says A cheerful heart is good medicine." Little by little the "best" medicine was released today. It didn't come in a little plastic bottle. It didn't taste bad. It had no bad side effects. It not only got me through the day, but it put a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. I daresay, that I don't have any medications in my "little bag" that can do all that.

Hand In Hand

When God led me to start writing this blog, He made it very clear what He wanted me to do with it. But I had no idea at the time, how He would use it. He wanted me to share what He was doing in my life and through my life, on this journey through the desert called breast cancer. For we all have deserts we must walk through. They are just called by different names. I felt like He wanted me to share with others, how He works in the life of a common, ordinary believer going through one of life's many trials. I wanted it to be a means of sharing the medical part of this journey, but much more than that, I wanted to share the spiritual journey. I wanted it to give others encouragement as they walk through their deserts, and help them to feel that they are never alone. I wanted others to see that, though I am a Christian, I struggle with the same worry, failures, disappointments, lack of trust, weakness and other things that are disappointing to God. I wanted to share the good days and the bad days. The laughter and the tears. Because God walks with us through it all.

But I didn't realize what God would do for me in writing this blog. Through this blog, I have met so many people who have blessed my life tremendously. Many of these people I will never see face to face. But the impact they have made on my life is as strong as if they were standing here in front of me. He has provided me with friends who have given me encouragement, nurturing, prayer and a reminder that we are never alone.

I believe when God wants His word out, His hand will be in every single word that is written. Some who read this blog, may never have noticed that there is a link at the bottom of each day's blog that says "Friends shared their thoughts". This is one area where I have been the recipient of God's encouragement along the way. Every comment that I have read, has been timed perfectly by God. The words written have always been the words He knew I needed to hear for that moment. And I know, that God has intended them as another way to speak to me when I needed strength for the journey.

I wanted to share just one example from a recent comment posted on my blog. It is from a dear, sweet lady whom I have never met, but feel as though I have known her forever. (The kind of relationship only God brings about). Her name is Cora. She is a breast cancer fighter also. This particular day I had struggled. I had been to see the oncologist and had chemo and shared my fears and my tears. Here is what she posted:

There is a verse that says, "Now we see through a glass darkly, but then, face to face. . . Now we know in part, but then shall we know, even as we are known." When you travel through this journey called cancer, we can only know in part. We only see shadows in the mirror, and so . . .we act like children, we crawl like babies, and we leap into our Father's arms for security from all we do not know. As we mature in our faith and get to know Him better, we somehow expect that He will tell us everything, show us answers, and we will strut our stuff right through every battle that comes our way. Not so, is it??? It still comes back to "We walk by faith, not by sight!" We can read all the books, search the internet, go to the best doctors, ask all the right questions, and get all the tests, scans, markers, etc., but in the end, tomorrow is still unknown. It all boils down to that simple child like trust that everything --- and I mean EVERYTHING --- that comes our way is first filtered through His fingers of love.
And it is in that one thing that all the "what if's" of this disease melt into a peace that passes all understanding!

I'm preaching to myself here, you know. This past week as been riddled with "what if" bullets for me, and I'm ashamed of it, believe me. I can only be so thankful for His patience and His "I told you so" today!
Wish I could give you a big hug! I know how hard this all is, how scary, and how long and drawn out. Little steps, big breaths, and leaning hard and long on the One who loves you more than life itself!!!!!

What encouragement that post brought to me that day! I have no idea how Cora found my blog but God does. I don't know how anyone finds it, but I know that those who have left comments have blessed me in a way they can never know. I also believe that those very same comments may be words that God wants others to hear. He alone can take what is written and speak it to the individual heart. Thank you to all who share your words of encouragement for they may the very words someone needs to hear. Thank you to those also, who read it faithfully and take the time to pray. For your prayer may be the prayer that changes someone's life. Thank you, also, for passing this blog on to other's as God leads you to. He alone knows who needs it. He alone knows how He will use it.

It is God's blog. It is His story to weave. He has provided the characters in the story of my journey. We are all intertwined and perfectly placed to walk hand in hand through the desert and stand together atop the mountain!