HAIR

WooHoo! I'm starting to get some hair!! On the chemo, I would get a little sprout of hair a few days after a treatment. Then I would have a treatment and it would disappear. But I think this hair is here to stay. Now, mind you it's not the hair I would have chosen. (Hmmm.. "I would have chosen". These are becoming such familiar words).

This hair kind of looks and feels like a puppy's hair and is really soft. I'm not quite sure what kind of dog yet because it's not very long and there are some big bald spots still on the top. But it is hair, none the less. I was so excited, I thought about going to the puppy store and getting a brush, but exercised restraint and decided to wait for a bit more length. It's still not long enough to provide warmth for my head or look good without a head covering. But at least it's not coming out. Funny, sometimes, how much we take our hair for granted.

My little grandson Wyatt went for a haircut over the weekend. He has the most beautiful red hair. But, I think cutting a 2 year old's hair is somewhat of a challenge because he came away quite "scalped". She sent me a picture and I couldn't help but laugh. His expression was the same one I have when I look at my puppy hair.




But, he just goes on about the business of his joyful, carefree little life. Not giving a second thought to how his hair looks. He has a whole new day in front of him to experience and enjoy.

Oh what lessons we can learn from little children!!

BEAUTY

Even after nearly 8 months on this journey, it surprises me how quickly I can find myself walking in a valley. The last few days had been so nice. We went to church today and it was so good to be back after being in the hospital last Sunday. I had missed the worship and fellowship that God blesses me with in our church. We enjoyed a nice birthday lunch with friends after church. We went to Walgreens and picked up pictures of the Alabama trip to make a picture book for Jayda. When we were in the store, I was standing behind a woman and her husband. She was a very attractive lady. They were talking about going bike riding that evening. She seemed so vibrant and healthy. I felt a twinge of envy as I watched them.

As we drove home, my mind kept going back to the beautiful lady. I looked over at Carl and thought how unfair all of this was to him. I'm not usually one to put a lot of stock into physical beauty, but every wife wants to feel attractive to her husband. I had come to terms with the loss of hair and even the scars from the tumor removal. But the incision from the port removal last week is red and bruised. My arm is swollen with purple spots all over it from the clot. My abdomen in black and blue from the blood thinner injections and I am marked all over with tattoos for the radiation. I felt anything but attractive or vibrant to Carl. Bike riding seemed as foreign to me as a triathalon. Those kinds of activities seemed like a lifetime ago.

I should have seen it coming, because I know how negative thoughts work. But I didn't. And by the time we got home, my thoughts had taken me down into the valley. I tried to keep it to myself, but Carl has a sixth sense when something isn't right. When he asked what was wrong, I didn't answer for fear of a total meltdown. He said, "Remember we agreed to talk about all of the feelings." Through tear filled eyes, I said, "Is there anything else can they do to me to make me any more unattractive to you? Oh yeah, there's still the red, burned skin. I guess there is something else."

Carl is so wise. He knows that sometimes there just aren't words to say. Only arms to hold and shoulders to catch tears. For me, my physical beauty will never be the same as it was
before cancer. I can't change that. I know that becoming downhearted does not disappoint God. For He knows our human frailties. But staying downhearted does. And the only way I know to combat those feelings is to stay in the word. Whenever, I face an emotional or physical battle, I try to print out scripture verses and carry them with me. I keep them next to my chair and put them on the refrigerator. A constant reminder that will help redirect my thoughts when they want to take me into a valley.

Words of encouragement.

"For your beauty should come not come from outward adornment..Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1Peter 3:3-4)

"Beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Words to help redirect my negative thoughts.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)

My Strength and Song

I have just returned home after being gone for the last 8 days.

On Thursday at 1:00pm, I was finally released from the hospital after spending 6 days in for the blood clot and port removal. My discharge instructions were: to not lift anything with my left arm, take the blood thinner injections twice a day, keep a close eye on the swelling and not "over do it".

Carl picked me up and, totally out of the blue, we decided to pick up Jayda and take her to see my sister in Alabama about 6 hours away. I was still feeling bad about having to disappoint Jayda the week before, when I got admitted to the hospital, so I was thrilled at our impromptu plan. Less than an hour after I was released, we were packed and on the road, a very excited little granddaughter in tow.

Now I know, that some may think I have lost my mind, by not going home and resting after just getting out of the hospital. But, I don't want to lay around in bed this entire cancer journey. Yes, there have been, and will continue to be days when that just has to be. But as long as God gives me the strength to live each day to the fullest, I plan to do that. Watching the pure joy on Jayda's face as she rode the horse with her adored cousin, played with the kittens, fed the fish in the pond and had a parade with the little dogs. Getting my nails painted in the makeshift bathroom nail spa, set up by Jenna and Jayda, while they sang Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift songs to me. Sharing memories about our Mom with my sister. Trying to put together more of our family tree. Looking up at the millions of stars in the Alabama night sky. So much I would have missed by "staying in bed and resting."

My sweet niece, Jenna, and I had morning devotions together this morning. It was about giving praise to the Lord. The scripture was Exodus 15:2. "The Lord is my strength and song. He has become my salvation. He is my God and I will praise Him." We read together and we prayed together. What a blessing that was for me.

And tonight, I praise Him, for giving me the strength to be able to enjoy the blessings of the last couple of days. And I will praise him when I wake for whatever He has in store for the new day.

"He is my strength and my song and I will praise Him."