On My Heart

I need to share what is on my heart today. Since writing about my low time on Saturday, I have received several e-mail from friends and family saying how sad it made them and how sorry they were that I was having to go through this. When I started writing this blog I thought that I would only share the positive things happening on this journey. But that is not what God wanted me to share. I believe the purpose of my journey is to show people a living, loving, caring God who is personal and real and walks with us no matter where our journey leads.
We all walk through deserts and valleys. Loss of a spouse, loss of a child, broken relationships, troubles with children, illness, financial problems and on and on. Not one of us escapes life without having to walk through a desert. Sometimes we have people to help us walk the desert and sometimes we have to to face the valleys alone. We cry out to God in our despair. We beg God to take away our suffering. We are filled with grief in our desert.
I am reminded of Jesus when he went to the Garden of Gethsemane. He was preparing to die a terrible death through absolutely no fault of his own. As He walked to the Garden,Jesus began to be filled with anguish and deep distress. He said "My soul is crushed with grief too the point of death." He walked a little farther and fell face down on the ground praying "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me." But the cup of suffering was not taken away. Why? Because God had a much bigger plan in mind. A plan that would change the lives of people for eternity.
You see God doesn't want us to suffer any more than He wanted His son to suffer but He has a bigger plan in place for each of our lives. He doesn't ask us not to cry out, not to beg for the mountain to be moved, not to be angry or confused or even doubt. HE UNDERSTANDS! He's been there! There is no problem that we can face that He won't be there with us if we allow Him.

So it is that I share not only the mountains on this journey but the deep dark valleys as well. I am, by nature, a "positive" person. But I am also human. On this journey I will share the mountaintop experiences and the valleys. But no matter where I am on the journey, my God, who understands, walks with me holding my hand.

Upon The Mountain

Yesterday I walked through the valley. I cried out to God but could not hear His voice. But I knew He was there. I have always known He was there.
Today I heard His voice spoken as loudly as the crashing waves upon the ocean and as gentle as the morning breeze against the flowers. I commented to my dear friend Lori before church about the burdens from the day before. We shared the same feelings, but both agreed that church today was the best place for us to be.
The worship service was a blessing. A wonderful testimony to God's power was shared by our friend Jim.
When Pastor Steve started to speak for the sermon I immediately felt that God was going to speak to me. As I have done in the past in my blogs, I have printed the quoted words of someone else in blue. So the words that I share with you today in blue are from Pastor Steve's mouth but from God's heart.
The message talked of the transfiguration of Jesus upon the mountain from Mark 9:2-9.
Jesus' transfiguration was truly a mountaintop experience for Peter. Jesus' clothes become a dazzling white and Peter sees Moses and Elijah back from the dead. They were in their full glory.
But then it was all over. Jesus told His disciples to go back down the mountain. Is that all? Over so fast? Probably what Peter was thinking. Isn't that the way for us? Our mountain top experiences seem to be over as quick as they came.

However, Jesus knows that we can't stay on the mountain. Jesus said we must go down the mountain and continue ministry in the brokenness of the world. Jesus wanted His disciples to have a faith that was not just a mountain faith but a faith that could endure the mountains in there lives. The same is true for us today. Sometimes the greatest faith is not the mountain moving kind of faith at all. SOMETIMES THE GREATEST TEST OF OUR FAITH COMES WHEN WE SPEAK TO THE MOUNTAIN AND THE MOUNTAIN DOES NOT MOVE. Then if we listen carefully we will hear God say "I'm not going to move that mountain but I will give you the strength to climb it."
Life isn't about living on the mountain. Sometimes we must spend time in the valley.

God has given me a mountain to climb. Though in my humanness I ask for the mountain to be moved, I know He has a greater purpose. He has a purpose for the mountaintop experiences and a purpose for the valleys. He who is able to do ALL things will give me the strength to climb the mountain and walk in the valley. It is my prayer that I can share in ministry to a broken world through the mountains and valleys upon this journey.

Face to Face with Cancer

Next to the day I read my ultrasound reports, today has been the hardest day for me since this journey started.

Carl had to teach at the church from 8am to 4pm today. I had a 10:00 appointment to pick up my wig. I still had my hair though it was very thin and coming out in large handfuls. My plan had been to wear the wig until my hair had gotten so thin that Eric would shave it. I thought that it would be easier if Eric did it than someone else. But when I got to the wig shop, the wig could not be fitted correctly with my hair because it kept slipping off. Sarah recommended that I shave it all off then so she could fit it for me. I really was not prepared for that. I didn't think I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to go to church tomorrow with a new wig. I knew that if I drove to Eric's house and he shaved it, I would have to drive back to the wig shop with no hair at all. I felt like a caged animal with no where to go. Sarah tried to make light of it. "It is only hair" she said, "You still have your life." I knew that but it didn't help. Why was this such a difficult thing for me?

Feeling like I was trapped and taking too much of her time with my indecision, I told her to just shave it. The sound of the clippers made me nauseous. My hair all over the floor brought tears to my eyes. I purposely made myself think of the last few days with Brent coming home and the birth of two new grandbabies to try to drown out the sound of the clippers.
When she finished shaving, she put the wig on before she turned me to face the mirror. I left with a new style and a new color (the remnants of my red hair lying all over the floor).
Although I wanted to be in Carl's arms, I was thankful that he was'nt home. After about an hour of walking mindlessly around the house I stood in front of the mirror and forced myself to take off the wig. I looked like my Marine son, Brent.
It was then that I fell apart. I cried out from the depths of my heart. Why was I having to go through this. I have tried to live a good life. Did I deserve this? I felt total despair. I wondered how I would ever be able to let Carl see. I thought of Job and all that he went through.
After several minutes, I whispered a silent plea for God to get me through this. I didn't hear His voice like I have so many times before, but I knew He was there and He felt my pain. He understood.
In the quietness, it came to me why this was such an overwhelming step for me. I have really never been a vain person. Not into a lot of make up or fancy clothes. I believe beauty comes from the inside out but, I do think that it is hard for any woman to lose her hair. For me though, looking at my bald head was a stark slap in the face reminder that I had Cancer. So far this disease had not consumed me. Yes, I had surgery. Yes, I got my chemo treatment. Yes, I had been nauseous for six days. But I feel good and I don't look sick. Now as I look in the mirror, it is a stark slap in the face reminder that I have Cancer! I don't think I had been in denial, just chose to try not to think about it all the time. Now, there would be no denying it, to myself or anyone else. I was face to face with this disease.
I drove to the church and met Carl and he said I was beautiful. He hugged me and held me as I cried. He is so good to me. Carl and I went to Eric and Katie's. We watched Eric and his friends laughing and playing horse shoes. We watched Dylan and Jayda laughing as they jumped on the trampoline. I held sweet baby Cooper and silently thanked God for this moment in time that I was enjoying. I had a wonderful husband, beautiful supportive children and sweet grandchildren. When I got home, there was a valentine card in the mail from baby John whom I had taken care of in the NICU and his brother Anthony who I came to love. It said "You are the best nurce". Love Baby John and Anthony. What a a delight! Yes, I had my life and my life is good.
I also have my favorite promise Lamentations 3:23. He gives me" fresh new mercies every morning."
Tonight as I go to sleep, I will thank God for giving me this day, hard as it was, and for the fresh new morning and blessings He will give me when I awake.