It is a new day!! I can't change a thing about yesterday. I can't control what will happen tomorrow. But I can control how I react to today.
I confess to being a control freak. A weakness in my life that God has had to "teach me about" for many years. (I think He would say I am a slow learner). I like my house in order. I can control that. I like to do my job 110%. I can control that. I like to be involved in doing things for people that make a difference. I can control that.
I have spent the last several days trying to figure out how I could control this desert of cancer. In doing so I have literally exhausted myself. What can I do to increase my chances of beating this disease? What can I do to have the energy I used to have? What can I do when I see someone out jogging (which I used to do) but now have such sore bones it is a struggle to walk fast. What can I do to prevent losing my fingernails and not be able to work? What can I do to fight discouragement? What can I do to find my positive attitude that seems to be lost somewhere? How can I take control ?
Well, I woke up this morning with the answer. It was the first thought I had as I opened my eyes. It's the same answer that God has given me everytime I try to take control from Him. (I told you I was a slow learner) .
There is only one thing I can do. I can make a conscious decision to give it all to God and let Him BE IN CONTROL. All of it. Not the parts I want Him to have. Okay Lord. Thank you for the thousandth time for your patience with me. Thank you for gently and patiently teaching me over and over and over again.
And this morning, I have the smile back. There is a joy in my heart. My spirit is light because I don't have to try and control everything that happens today. I don't have to figure out how to control tomorrow. I can use my energy to be thankful for the many things that He has done for me. The only thing I have to do is make a conscious decision to praise Him when doubts creep in.
He will do the rest!
Lamentations 3:23 - He gives NEW mercies fresh every morning!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
The Real Enemy
I have discovered that the mental battle against this disease is just as hard (if not harder) than the physical battle. I know what the physical symptoms are and can for the most part treat them with a medication of some sort. But the mental battle deals with the unknown. There is not a quick pill for that.
Today someone that I knew died of liver cancer. He was such a kind man and I really cared for him. He was only diagnosed a short time ago. He went peacefully with a smile on his face and for that I am thankful.
When I heard about his death, I was on the way home from Jacksonville to Orlando and was at that moment stopped in a 3 mile back up of traffic. My mind started reeling. The questions and doubts began again. I thought about how my chemotherapy has not made me as sick as some people I have read about. "Does that mean it's not working?" I asked myself. I once again thought about the staggering statistics of metastasis with my type of cancer. "Is it spreading as I sit here?" Is the bone pain I have from the chemotherapy or has the cancer spread to my bones?" "How do I know I am even beating this?" By the time I got to Orlando, I was mentally exhausted.
Carl and I went to Cheesecake factory for dinner. I stared at the menu. Why did making a choice on the menu like such an overwhelming task? When we finished eating, we were going to walk around the mall but we didn't because Carl thought I was too tired. I wasn't tired! My mind was tired. I wanted to walk around the mall and think about nothing as I looked in the store windows. But, we went home.
I asked Carl what he might like to do for his birthday. Did he want us to do something together, or have a get-together at the house with a bunch of friends or invite friends to go out to eat together. He said "whatever you would like". I know that he wants to make it easy on me. But I thought I might scream. I can't seem to make choices about anything today. I don't want to decide anything! I knew this was unfair to him and I was disappointed in myself for not planning anything.
I went out to the swing and sat looking at the night sky. The moon illuminated the cloudy sky with a soft hue. Where are the stars tonight? Why do I look up and see only clouds? Have I cluttered my mind so much that I can't see clearly?
"Lord," I prayed, "I know this is not how you want me to feel. Please speak to me."
In the quiet of the night I thought about my mom. She had always taught us that if we really wanted God to speak to us, we could open the bible to any page and ask God to reveal Himself to us through the words we were about to read. So I went in and got my bible and opened it. It opened to the Book of Psalms. I started at the top of the page. Psalms 13. "Oh Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with this anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord, my God! Restore the light to my eyes or I will die. Don't let my enemies gloat, saying "We have defeated him!" Don't let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He has been so good to me!"
My mom was right. God had just supplied my prayer and my answer! David was a man of God. But he too struggled with anguish and questions. He spoke in his psalm of the enemy. I now realize that the enemy in my life is NOT the cancer but the doubt, and I will not let it rejoice at my downfall!
Lamentations 3:23 reminds me again that He gives us new mercies fresh every morning. When I wake to the new morning, I will "sing to the Lord because He has been so good to me and I will trust in His unfailing love!"
Today someone that I knew died of liver cancer. He was such a kind man and I really cared for him. He was only diagnosed a short time ago. He went peacefully with a smile on his face and for that I am thankful.
When I heard about his death, I was on the way home from Jacksonville to Orlando and was at that moment stopped in a 3 mile back up of traffic. My mind started reeling. The questions and doubts began again. I thought about how my chemotherapy has not made me as sick as some people I have read about. "Does that mean it's not working?" I asked myself. I once again thought about the staggering statistics of metastasis with my type of cancer. "Is it spreading as I sit here?" Is the bone pain I have from the chemotherapy or has the cancer spread to my bones?" "How do I know I am even beating this?" By the time I got to Orlando, I was mentally exhausted.
Carl and I went to Cheesecake factory for dinner. I stared at the menu. Why did making a choice on the menu like such an overwhelming task? When we finished eating, we were going to walk around the mall but we didn't because Carl thought I was too tired. I wasn't tired! My mind was tired. I wanted to walk around the mall and think about nothing as I looked in the store windows. But, we went home.
I asked Carl what he might like to do for his birthday. Did he want us to do something together, or have a get-together at the house with a bunch of friends or invite friends to go out to eat together. He said "whatever you would like". I know that he wants to make it easy on me. But I thought I might scream. I can't seem to make choices about anything today. I don't want to decide anything! I knew this was unfair to him and I was disappointed in myself for not planning anything.
I went out to the swing and sat looking at the night sky. The moon illuminated the cloudy sky with a soft hue. Where are the stars tonight? Why do I look up and see only clouds? Have I cluttered my mind so much that I can't see clearly?
"Lord," I prayed, "I know this is not how you want me to feel. Please speak to me."
In the quiet of the night I thought about my mom. She had always taught us that if we really wanted God to speak to us, we could open the bible to any page and ask God to reveal Himself to us through the words we were about to read. So I went in and got my bible and opened it. It opened to the Book of Psalms. I started at the top of the page. Psalms 13. "Oh Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with this anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord, my God! Restore the light to my eyes or I will die. Don't let my enemies gloat, saying "We have defeated him!" Don't let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He has been so good to me!"
My mom was right. God had just supplied my prayer and my answer! David was a man of God. But he too struggled with anguish and questions. He spoke in his psalm of the enemy. I now realize that the enemy in my life is NOT the cancer but the doubt, and I will not let it rejoice at my downfall!
Lamentations 3:23 reminds me again that He gives us new mercies fresh every morning. When I wake to the new morning, I will "sing to the Lord because He has been so good to me and I will trust in His unfailing love!"
Monday, March 23, 2009
Transforming Our Pain
I had to go to the wig shop the other day. The wig
that I had was fitted for me while I still had hair. Now
that I had lost all of my hair it was too big. It was the
first time I had been there since the day I had my
head shaved. How vividly I remembered that day.
I went to the shop and the door was locked.
Since it was during regular business hours, I
called the shop number and Sarah, the owner,
answered the phone. I said Sarah, "I'm outside and
wanted to have my wig fitted but the door is locked."
She said "Could you just come back at 4:00 because I
have a private customer in here and need to close the
store while she is here." I said, "No problem, I'll just
come back at 4:00.
When I got back to the shop at 4:00 I was curious. I
asked Sarah why she had to close the shop for one
patron. Sarah said "The customer has cancer and was
in to have her head shaved and was overwhelmed and
crying. She didn't want to be seen by anyone. I had to
close the shop for her." My heart immediately went
out to her. I so wished that I had known so I could
have come and given her a hug when she was
finished. I knew exactly what she was going through.
I felt her pain because I had experienced it myself. I
wanted more than anything to tell her "It would be
OK." I wanted her to know that it wasn't the end of
her life as she must be feeling right now.
I was saddened by the fact that I didn't get the
chance to be there for this lady, but it really made me
think about our role in comforting others when they
are in need.
I believe that blessings can come out of every sadness
that we endure in our life if we choose to let it be a
blessing to someone else.
I remember the overwhelming sadness I felt in the
loss of my mother. I couldn't understand why God
would take her away so quickly. I thought my heart
would never heal from the wound of losing her. I
certainly didn't see her death as any "blessing". But in
time, I discovered that God had brought people into
my path who were experiencing the very same
feelings as I had. And we had an instant bond! A
connection shared by having gone through the same
experience. And I also discovered that through my
being able to offer comfort to them, I in turn
experienced a healing. Offering comfort to someone
who was hurting in turn brought comfort to me.
I believe that God can take our hurts and transform
that pain into encouragement for the people around
us. His grace can take our trials and deserts
and turn it into a blessing in the life of someone
around us. Our task is to be open to those who need
us.
that I had was fitted for me while I still had hair. Now
that I had lost all of my hair it was too big. It was the
first time I had been there since the day I had my
head shaved. How vividly I remembered that day.
I went to the shop and the door was locked.
Since it was during regular business hours, I
called the shop number and Sarah, the owner,
answered the phone. I said Sarah, "I'm outside and
wanted to have my wig fitted but the door is locked."
She said "Could you just come back at 4:00 because I
have a private customer in here and need to close the
store while she is here." I said, "No problem, I'll just
come back at 4:00.
When I got back to the shop at 4:00 I was curious. I
asked Sarah why she had to close the shop for one
patron. Sarah said "The customer has cancer and was
in to have her head shaved and was overwhelmed and
crying. She didn't want to be seen by anyone. I had to
close the shop for her." My heart immediately went
out to her. I so wished that I had known so I could
have come and given her a hug when she was
finished. I knew exactly what she was going through.
I felt her pain because I had experienced it myself. I
wanted more than anything to tell her "It would be
OK." I wanted her to know that it wasn't the end of
her life as she must be feeling right now.
I was saddened by the fact that I didn't get the
chance to be there for this lady, but it really made me
think about our role in comforting others when they
are in need.
I believe that blessings can come out of every sadness
that we endure in our life if we choose to let it be a
blessing to someone else.
I remember the overwhelming sadness I felt in the
loss of my mother. I couldn't understand why God
would take her away so quickly. I thought my heart
would never heal from the wound of losing her. I
certainly didn't see her death as any "blessing". But in
time, I discovered that God had brought people into
my path who were experiencing the very same
feelings as I had. And we had an instant bond! A
connection shared by having gone through the same
experience. And I also discovered that through my
being able to offer comfort to them, I in turn
experienced a healing. Offering comfort to someone
who was hurting in turn brought comfort to me.
I believe that God can take our hurts and transform
that pain into encouragement for the people around
us. His grace can take our trials and deserts
and turn it into a blessing in the life of someone
around us. Our task is to be open to those who need
us.
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