Til The Storm Passes By

Yesterday I survived a storm.

My day started out with extreme nausea and I was really concerned about how the chemo was going to go. By the time we got to MD Anderson for our 9:00 appointment, I was pretty green. When I got into the treatment room, Mignon from the week before, was my nurse. She always asks me my name and date of birth before she gives any meds or draws labs or any procedures. So when she said "good morning" , I said, all on one breath, "Good morning, I am Roxanne Baggott, date of birth 8/6/54 and I am really nauseous and need something in my IV before I start my chemo." She laughed aloud and said I'll call Dr. Baidas and we'll get it done. It helped somewhat, but I left after chemo still feeling pretty rough.

But the bigger storm I faced yesterday was not the physical storm but an emotional one. I was battling a storm called "fear."

I had learned the night before that three different ladies with TNBC that I knew had been told that their cancer had metastasized to other areas. It brought on the "what if" feelings. Fears of the chemo not working. Fears of the cancer spreading to other organs. How could I hold my breath for 5 years while I waited to be in remission? Fears of not getting to see my grandchildren grow up. I remember telling our Pastor when I got the abnormal mammogram results that "I was afraid of raccoons but I am terrified of cancer!" And yesterday I was terrified.

I looked at Carl and all that he has gone through, and I didn't have the heart to tell him how afraid I was. I didn't want to "bring him down". I didn't want to stir up the fears that I know he deals with also.

And so the storm inside my heart raged on. I cried out to God. "God I need someone to talk to. I am in this boat on the sea and the storm is raging. I am terrified.Where are you?? I am talking to you, but I need you to talk to me!!"

In the quietness of that moment I remembered something that my friend Ann had shared with me on Monday. She was talking of the disciple Mark's account of Peter and the disciples on the boat when a furious storm came up. Peter was a fisherman. He knew about big storms and little boats. He knew about the big waves with the white caps. He also knew about the calm blue water under the crashing wave. The scripture says, "But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water. The disciples cried out to Jesus who was asleep in the stern. "Teacher, don't you care if we drown? Jesus got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the waves, "Quiet, Be Still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm." (Mark 4:37-39)

I pictured myself in that little boat crying out to Jesus. "Lord, I am in the middle of a storm, don't you care if I drown?" And then I saw the wind and the waves being quieted by Him. And in my mind's eye I saw Jesus and I, in the little boat, on the calm blue water heading towards the shore.

I clung to that picture in my mind and put my ipod on to take a nap. The very first song that came on was one that I believe God had already chosen for me. It was called "Til the Storm Passes By" and I listened to these words over and over again until I fell into a peaceful sleep.

Til the storm passes over,
Til the thunder sounds no more
Til the clouds roll forever from the sky,
Hold me fast, let me stand
in the hollow of thy hand.
Keep me safe til the storm passes by.

In the dark of the midnight, how I often hid my face,
with the storm clouds above me, there's no hiding place.
Hear the crash of the thunder
Precious Lord hear my cry,
keep me safe til the storm passes by.

Many times Satan whispers, there is no need to try
For there's no end of sorrow
There's no hope by and by.
But I know thou art with me and tomorrow I'll rise
where the storms never darken the skies.

Til the storm passes over,
Til the thunder sounds no more
Til the clouds roll forever from the sky,
Hold me fast, let me stand
in the hollow of thy hand.
Keep me safe, keep me Lord,
keep me safe til the storm passes by.

Today Jesus brought me through a storm. The wind is quiet and the water is still. I know that it won't be the last storm that I will go through. But God reminded me that in my storms He is in the boat with me. That the crashing waves may be over my head but he will keep me in the quiet blue water under the wave. He will hold me fast til the storm passes by.

I pray that when you are going through a storm, that He would keep you safe in the hollow of His hand til the storm passes by.


If you would like to listen to the song
"Til The Storm Passes By"
click on the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKWggfV2tVg

Strength In Brokenness

The visit with Brent and his family has been enjoyable and restful. We don't get started early in the morning and don't wind up late at night and I have managed to get a nap each afternoon.

We went on to the Marine Corps base with Brent today. I watched the young men and women in uniform all around me. It seems like only yesterday we were at Parris Island for his graduation from Boot camp. I think that any military person, whether it's been 2 years or 60 years, can remember vividly, their boot camp experience. Many would say it marked the beginning of a whole new person.

When these scared young boys and girls board that bus for boot camp, their life as they have known it, is no more. They may have come with preconceived ideas of how it would be or how it would end up, but they quickly find out they were wrong. For the next four months they are tested. They are sleep deprived. They are disoriented. They have no contact with their family. They are yelled at. They are pushed beyond their mental and physical limits. Many wish, they could turn around and walked back off the bus.

But, the military knows something that these young people don't. They know that there is strength in brokenness. In order to use these young people to their fullest extent, they have to be broken, so that they might have a new kind of strength. The strength needed for battle. The drill instructor's job is to break down the "I" and build up the "we" in these young recruits. For 4 long months these recruits go through the process of being broken and rebuilt the "Marine Corps" way. But when graduation comes, they are new people. They are confident. They are strong and they are proud of their accomplishment. They emerge with a strength they never even knew they possessed. And they are now ready to do a job they would have been unable to do, had they not first been "broken".

Sometimes, when we go through big trials in our lives, I think God is putting us through His "boot camp". We come with our preconceived ideas of how it should be and how it should end up. We don't mind the "camp" so much, but we really don't want to be broken. We are tested. We are scared. We are weary. And sometimes, we wish we could just turn around and walk off the bus.

But God knows that in order to use us fully, we must first be broken. For it is only when we are truly broken that we can see how deep our weakness goes. In complete brokenness, we discover we can do nothing on our own.
But Isaiah 40:29 gives us hope and a promise. It says , "He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak."

God has not forced me into His "boot camp." He never forces anyone. And, I need not be afraid of being broken by Him. He gently asks me to trust Him, as He breaks me and remolds me into a new person. And He promises that if I am willing to be broken, He will give me a new strength in Him. A strength that can accomplish all things! (Phillipians 4:13)

Danya

Sometimes watching God at work in our lives is like being a main character in a good book. The author of the book introduces the characters, the plot begins to take shape and the story unfolds. The author has a plan from the beginning of the book to the end. He places people and situations throughout the story for a purpose. We, as the readers, try to figure out how they all fit together and how the story will end.

I imagine each of our lives as God's stories.

Sometimes the author adds a surprising new character in the middle of the book. One the reader would not have imagined as being part of the story. One such character in my story, emerged on the trip up to NC. We stopped at a Hardees in a small little town to get some blueberry biscuits for a snack. As we were standing at the register to order, the cashier, whose name was Danya, looked at me and smiled and said, "I see your scarf, do you mind me asking what kind of cancer you have?" I told her and she said, "I had a cancerous tumor on my spine. I had chemo and it has come back. I don't want to do chemo again but I'm only 37 years old and have 3 kids." My heart went out to her. What a burden to carry with three young children. As we talked, she shared some of what she had endured already. The chemo had been very rough on her. I gave her a slip of paper with my blog address on it and told her that I would be praying for her and would ask for prayer from my friends also. We decided together, to keep in touch with each other's progress through the blog.

And we left that little Hardees with so much more than the biscuits we had come for. We left with a friend that we could lift up in prayer, a friend that would know that she is not alone in her fight.

I believe nothing in our lives happens by accident. Each of our lives is a story, with God being the author. God placed Danya in my story yesterday. He alone knows the plot and He alone knows the ending. I've always been the kind of reader who wanted to skip ahead to the last pages of the story to find out how it ends. But then I would have missed this very special person in my story. Danya, I will be praying for you. Those who are reading this blog will be praying for you.
You are part of our story and together we will see what God has planned for us as we continue this journey.