Judge Not

10 down and 2 to go!!

Today was my last morning chemo. All of the treatments, since I started in Feb. have been at 9 am. But since I am going back to work next week, I will work til 1 pm and walk over to do chemo at 2 pm. Quite a blessing to be able to walk across the street for treatments and it will really be nice when I start radiation. Hopefully I can go over on my lunch break every day. I just won't tell my babies ahead of time so they won't misbehave while I'm gone :)

Boy, did I get hit with the guilty stick today!

When we went into the infusion room, I didn't recognize my nurse, but I did recognize the nurse named Diane, who was in the room also. Carl and I chatted with Diane about her vacation. My nurse, Leslie, was getting the supplies ready to draw labs from the port. When Leslie came over, I jokingly said to her and Diane, "So do I have enough of a reputation to warrant 2 nurses today?" Leslie smiled and said, "No, I am your nurse today and Diane is with me." I knew exactly what she meant by "she is with me".

Over the years in NICU I have trained and mentored many new nurses. I try to be their advocate and make sure they have a good experience as they learn. I tell parents that my orientee is "with me and I will be right there with them." I feel really bad for the new nurse when parents take offense to someone new taking care of their baby. Though I understand their feelings, I still feel bad for my orientee. And here I was doing the very same thing with Leslie! I had already judged her without knowing anything about her!

But thankfully, I was convicted right away. That still small voice of the Holy Spirit reminded me what it feels like to be judged. I quickly thought back to my new orientees and how they felt in that same circumstance. Immediately words from a scripture came into my head, "You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat." (Romans 14:10)

Wow, talk about a powerful reminder! Well, I got the message and immediately changed my thoughts. I started talking with Leslie as she was drawing the labs and found out she wasn't new at all! She had been an oncology nurse, up north, for years. She was only new to MD Anderson here in Orlando. Her husband's job had transferred them down here and she began working at this hospital. How wrong I was to form a quick opinion! She was an excellent nurse. In fact, I teased her that she was the first person, since chemo started to get the port to draw on the first try. Her experience and expertise served me well today and for that I am thankful. But, I am also humbled that I had been so quick to judge this kind, knowledgeable person.

The morning went well. The room was warm. Not so good for Carl but nice for me:) We chatted with another lady in the room who was there with her sister, receiving her treatments. And George, the volunteer, came and visited. George is amazing! He is 82 years old, as fit as a 30 year old, is retired from two jobs, (30 years in the steel mill and 10 years at Disney) and now he spends every Tuesday blessing the lives of those at the cancer center. We really look forward to our visit each week with him.

Labs were good enough to receive the chemo. White blood cells keep getting lower and lower but that's just part of it. Still praying I won't get sick. Carl got his book finished, I dozed and the treatment was done before we knew it. Guess we're getting to be old pros at this.

I have to go in the morning for a lung CT. Just a follow-up to the pneumonia. I'm praying and expecting it will be good. Ann, e-mailed me some songs by Michael W. Smith and a little note which I printed out to take with me tomorrow. It said, "May the music rest on your heart and speak to you softly and gently of His graces." I put the songs on my ipod to listen to during the CT. Got my quilt so I won't be freezing. And instead of having a stressful experience in the morning, I will be having a worshipful experience!

And now it's off to chemo and Benadryl induced "la-la" land.

Learning to Walk

My little grandson, Logan, is just learning to walk. What a joy my grandchildren bring to my life! I especially love watching them try to master the milestone of walking. When Jayda, my granddaughter, was learning to walk we offered her car keys as an incentive and she wanted nothing to do with it. But when we offered a cookie, she gave it her all to try and get that cookie. Never underestimate the power of a cookie and a baby.

And so I've been watching little Logan learn to walk. I'm amazed at his perserverance. At first he had to work on standing. Day after day he would crawl over to the couch, pull himself up and just stand there holding on.

Once he had that mastered, he was onto the next stage. I think the baby experts call it "cruising". He would make sure that he had hold of something solid and he would walk around never letting go. He was brave as long as he had something to hold on to. And for the next few weeks he cruised.

Soon he would stand at the couch and look around. He knew instinctively that it was time to try take it to the next level, to walk by himself. Standing still was no longer enough. But he had a fear of falling.He needed encouragement. And he found that in the outstretched arms of his mom.

He didn't look any further than those waiting arms. He knew that those arms would protect him. He knew that if he did fall he would be picked back up again. He trusted those arms. And so he was ready to try. He took one step into those arms. Then another. Then another. And soon he was walking. Yes, he fell. At times he cried. But those loving arms were waiting. They picked him up, stood him upright, and he began again.

As I watched him walking, it reminded me of my walk on this journey. It has also been in stages. When I was first diagnosed, my only thought was just to stand still and hold on. But God didn't want me to just stand still. He asks me to trust Him and not be afraid. And He stretches out His loving arms and encourages me to walk to Him. I walk and I fall. And sometimes I cry. But, He picks me up, stands me upright and I begin again.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your arms and with your right hand you save me."(Psalms 138:7)

Little Logan is still learning to walk. And you know, so is his grandmother. But we both know that the loving arms that reach out to us, will pick us up each and every time we fall.

Kimberly

Absolutely nothing happens by accident with God's plans.

Last week when we were visiting Brent and his family in North Carolina, Carl and I went into a Food Lion store to get some bread for lunch. As we walked past the register, I overheard a piece of a conversation that included the words "lung, liver and bones." Those words caught my attention and I turned around to see who was talking. I spotted a familiar face. Her name was Kimberly, a young lady who was a cashier, and she was talking to a customer.
As soon as we saw her, we remembered her. Over the last 3 years, whenever we've been in that Food Lion, Kimberly has (not by accident) been our cashier. ( I'm sure that was part of God's plan). We remembered Kimberly from the previous visits because of her friendliness and warm smile and willingness to ask about our trip. She treated us as though we were everyday customers. Each time, after going through her line, we left with smiles on our faces .

So last week, when it came time to pay for our bread, we made it a point to go through her line.
We said "Hi" and told her how we remembered her from the last visit. Then I said, "I couldn't help overhearing a piece of your conversation with a customer about liver, lung and bones. I have a type of cancer that likes to spread to those areas and it caught my attention."
Her eyes spoke volumes as she began to speak. " It's my daddy", she said. "He is my rock. His cancer is in his lungs, bones and liver. He isn't doing chemo anymore. He is tired. He just wants to enjoy his time left with his family and not be sick from chemo. I try to get him to eat and I bring him Boost but he just doesn't want to anymore." She said, "It's hard for me when he won't eat but I just try to spend as much time with him as I can." Whenever I'm not working, I spend my time with him."

As she spoke, I wondered if she knew how very much, her love and attention meant to her dad. I wondered if her daddy knew what a sweet, caring young woman he had raised. I gave her a slip of paper with my blog address on it and told I would keep her and her dad in my prayers and would keep in touch.

Last night, at 8:27 pm, Kimberly's daddy, her "rock", lost his battle with cancer. And Kimberly's heart is broken. She can no longer throw her arms around his neck and smear his cheeks with little girl kisses. She can no longer sit on his lap and cuddle in his arms. She can no longer ask him for his fatherly advice nor sit on his bed and talk to him.

I wish I could be there to give Kimberly a hug, help to ease her sadness and offer words of comfort. But sometimes human words aren't enough. But, I can pray for her. For I know that only God can bring the kind of comfort and peace that can get her through these difficult days. And so I pray that God would comfort her heart, help her to remember the good times with her daddy, remind her of how much her love meant to him and know that she will see him again one day.

It was no accident that we met Kimberly. It was no accident that she was our cashier each time we went to that store. It was for a reason. God calls us to lift each other up in prayer when they are down. As you read this blog today, I ask that you would lift my friend Kimberly up in your prayers. In the days and weeks ahead when she comes to mind, whisper a little prayer to strengthen her and give her peace. God's peace.

Dear Kimberly, May God Bless and Keep You and give you His Peace!