It Will Burst Into Bloom!

Some days when you're walking in the desert you get a glimpse of the cactus in bloom! Today has been one of those days.

I have been wired on steroids since the treatment yesterday. Last week after chemo, they gave me some sleep medication to help combat the 48 hours of no sleep after the steroids. But it made me crazy. I was seeing things on the wall, talking crazy and when I looked at Carl his face looked like one of those faces at the fair when you look in the distorted mirrors. Not pretty. So I have been awake and wired since yesterday morning. The nausea is tolerable; just keeping the good old Ritz crackers close by.

I went to have my lung CT scan at the hospital this morning. It only took 2 sticks to get an IV in. YAY! They called in "Mean Jean" apparently known for her expertise in IV's. When she finished, I told her I would have to name her something else because she not only got the IV in after the 2nd stick but she was really nice. During the scan I put in my ipod and listened to the Michael W. Smith songs and had a wonderful worship experience with the Lord. A perfect way to endure any procedure or test.

After the CT scan I visited a friend who is a nurse manager there, ironically in their little oncology unit. I had worked with her on the Mother Baby unit 18 years ago at my hospital. We had a wonderful time catching up on each other's lives over the last 18 years.

After that visit, I went downstairs to see, Debbie, one of my friends who is a chaplain there, but used to be a chaplain in our NICU. When I walked into Debbie's office, there sat a lady I had known almost 30 years ago. She was Debbie's secretary. For the next 35 minutes the three of us sat and talked. It is such an exhilarating feeling to sit with other believers and share openly about what God is doing in our lives. We closed by holding hands and each praying for the others. As I walked out of the hospital, I felt as though I was walking on air and it wasn't from the steroids!

After leaving the hospital I had to stop by Wal-Mart. As I was standing at the counter looking at something, the lady behind the counter came up and asked if she could help me with anything. I said "no thank you, I was just looking." Then she said "You look very pretty." I stopped and looked up at her and said, "You know to a person on chemo, those are wonderful words to hear. Thank You." We got to talking and she told me she was having a biopsy tomorrow for a lump that they found. As we continued to talk, she shared that she had been in a terrible car accident 18 months ago and had nearly every bone in her body broken. She had been through 12 surgeries. But she said, "All of that has made me a more compassionate person. I spent 6 months in a wheelchair and now I have a real understanding of how difficult it is for a handicapped person." She told me that she considered herself blessed and truly a better person than she was before the accident. We both agreed that God allows the trials in our lives to help us to grow. To teach us and make us better people if we will allow Him to do that. What a blessing for me to meet this special lady and I will be praying for her tomorrow. I know that God has hold of her hand and together they will face whatever lies ahead.

Hoping to get a copy of the CT scan tomorrow. I'm praying and trusting all will be well with that. Not even giving the "what-ifs" a chance. I have also called the oncologist and asked for something to sleep during the steroids that won't make me feel "demon possessed." For now, I'll run around like the energizer bunny waiting for the steroids to wear off.

What a wonderful day God has given. How grateful I am that He allows me to catch a glimpse of the flower in the midst of the desert!

Life Can Seem a little prickly sometimes........just before it blooms.

"The desert and the parched land will be glad... It will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy!! " (Isaiah 35:1,2)

Judge Not

10 down and 2 to go!!

Today was my last morning chemo. All of the treatments, since I started in Feb. have been at 9 am. But since I am going back to work next week, I will work til 1 pm and walk over to do chemo at 2 pm. Quite a blessing to be able to walk across the street for treatments and it will really be nice when I start radiation. Hopefully I can go over on my lunch break every day. I just won't tell my babies ahead of time so they won't misbehave while I'm gone :)

Boy, did I get hit with the guilty stick today!

When we went into the infusion room, I didn't recognize my nurse, but I did recognize the nurse named Diane, who was in the room also. Carl and I chatted with Diane about her vacation. My nurse, Leslie, was getting the supplies ready to draw labs from the port. When Leslie came over, I jokingly said to her and Diane, "So do I have enough of a reputation to warrant 2 nurses today?" Leslie smiled and said, "No, I am your nurse today and Diane is with me." I knew exactly what she meant by "she is with me".

Over the years in NICU I have trained and mentored many new nurses. I try to be their advocate and make sure they have a good experience as they learn. I tell parents that my orientee is "with me and I will be right there with them." I feel really bad for the new nurse when parents take offense to someone new taking care of their baby. Though I understand their feelings, I still feel bad for my orientee. And here I was doing the very same thing with Leslie! I had already judged her without knowing anything about her!

But thankfully, I was convicted right away. That still small voice of the Holy Spirit reminded me what it feels like to be judged. I quickly thought back to my new orientees and how they felt in that same circumstance. Immediately words from a scripture came into my head, "You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat." (Romans 14:10)

Wow, talk about a powerful reminder! Well, I got the message and immediately changed my thoughts. I started talking with Leslie as she was drawing the labs and found out she wasn't new at all! She had been an oncology nurse, up north, for years. She was only new to MD Anderson here in Orlando. Her husband's job had transferred them down here and she began working at this hospital. How wrong I was to form a quick opinion! She was an excellent nurse. In fact, I teased her that she was the first person, since chemo started to get the port to draw on the first try. Her experience and expertise served me well today and for that I am thankful. But, I am also humbled that I had been so quick to judge this kind, knowledgeable person.

The morning went well. The room was warm. Not so good for Carl but nice for me:) We chatted with another lady in the room who was there with her sister, receiving her treatments. And George, the volunteer, came and visited. George is amazing! He is 82 years old, as fit as a 30 year old, is retired from two jobs, (30 years in the steel mill and 10 years at Disney) and now he spends every Tuesday blessing the lives of those at the cancer center. We really look forward to our visit each week with him.

Labs were good enough to receive the chemo. White blood cells keep getting lower and lower but that's just part of it. Still praying I won't get sick. Carl got his book finished, I dozed and the treatment was done before we knew it. Guess we're getting to be old pros at this.

I have to go in the morning for a lung CT. Just a follow-up to the pneumonia. I'm praying and expecting it will be good. Ann, e-mailed me some songs by Michael W. Smith and a little note which I printed out to take with me tomorrow. It said, "May the music rest on your heart and speak to you softly and gently of His graces." I put the songs on my ipod to listen to during the CT. Got my quilt so I won't be freezing. And instead of having a stressful experience in the morning, I will be having a worshipful experience!

And now it's off to chemo and Benadryl induced "la-la" land.

Learning to Walk

My little grandson, Logan, is just learning to walk. What a joy my grandchildren bring to my life! I especially love watching them try to master the milestone of walking. When Jayda, my granddaughter, was learning to walk we offered her car keys as an incentive and she wanted nothing to do with it. But when we offered a cookie, she gave it her all to try and get that cookie. Never underestimate the power of a cookie and a baby.

And so I've been watching little Logan learn to walk. I'm amazed at his perserverance. At first he had to work on standing. Day after day he would crawl over to the couch, pull himself up and just stand there holding on.

Once he had that mastered, he was onto the next stage. I think the baby experts call it "cruising". He would make sure that he had hold of something solid and he would walk around never letting go. He was brave as long as he had something to hold on to. And for the next few weeks he cruised.

Soon he would stand at the couch and look around. He knew instinctively that it was time to try take it to the next level, to walk by himself. Standing still was no longer enough. But he had a fear of falling.He needed encouragement. And he found that in the outstretched arms of his mom.

He didn't look any further than those waiting arms. He knew that those arms would protect him. He knew that if he did fall he would be picked back up again. He trusted those arms. And so he was ready to try. He took one step into those arms. Then another. Then another. And soon he was walking. Yes, he fell. At times he cried. But those loving arms were waiting. They picked him up, stood him upright, and he began again.

As I watched him walking, it reminded me of my walk on this journey. It has also been in stages. When I was first diagnosed, my only thought was just to stand still and hold on. But God didn't want me to just stand still. He asks me to trust Him and not be afraid. And He stretches out His loving arms and encourages me to walk to Him. I walk and I fall. And sometimes I cry. But, He picks me up, stands me upright and I begin again.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your arms and with your right hand you save me."(Psalms 138:7)

Little Logan is still learning to walk. And you know, so is his grandmother. But we both know that the loving arms that reach out to us, will pick us up each and every time we fall.