Who Am I?

Carl and I enjoyed a really nice weekend. This is the last weekend before school starts and Carl will be back to full time teaching on Monday. Since we didn't get to do too much this summer between chemo, blood clots and radiation, I really wanted to try and spend a day or so, together, doing something nice. So I surprised him with an overnight stay in Daytona.

I got up early Saturday morning, and as I was getting ready, the last of my 3 eyelashes came out. Okay, I've been done with chemo for 3 weeks! But, after all the hair loss over the last 8 months I sure wasn't going to let that bother me. Then, to add insult to injury, I was putting on some shorts to wear to Daytona and noticed new hair growing on my legs! What's up with that? Ask any woman if they'd rather have eyelashes or hair on their legs. It's a no-brainer. You don't have to shave your eyelashes! I just laughed and told Carl, some things just "don't make no sense".

We had a beautiful room that had a nice view of the airport runway. That might not sound too great to some, but Carl loves watching planes go in and out and I was hoping he would get a chance to see some. After settling into the room, we decided to go for a walk on Daytona Beach. As soon as we got within site of the ocean, I was totally overwhelmed with the magnitude of what I saw. I have been to the beach before, but have never had the experience that I did this time. I was in awe of the magnificence of God's handiwork and overwhelmed with my own insignificance. I spoke the only words I knew to ask of God at that moment, "Lord, I am so small against your greatness. Who Am I that you would notice me?"

I turned in full circle and saw brilliant blue sky as far as my eyes could see. And I felt so small. The warm wind, smelling of sea salt, blowing ever so gently against my face, yet strong enough to carry the para sail effortlessly along the water. I looked out in the distance at the vast calm blue water, and watched as that very same water came crashing in waves against the shore. "Who am I, mighty God?"

Walking along the shore I watched the tiny sea gulls digging in the sand for sand crabs. Further down the beach, a young boy was busy burying his little sister's body in the sand, leaving only her head exposed. Two young lovers had chiseled their names with hearts in the sand. "Lord, you know the exact number of grains of sand on this shore, Who Am I that you would be mindful of me?"

I watched the many, many people playing in the surf and sitting on the shore. Each one with their own story, their own joys and trials, their own past, their own future. And God knows every detail of every life, past and future, down to the exact number of hairs on their head. "Indeed, the very hairs on their head are all numbered." (Luke 12:7). "Yet, who am I Lord, among the billions of people in this world, that you would care about me?"

Then I hear Him whisper "You are mine. You belong to me. I have chosen you. I delight in you."

And I wonder. How is it that I have not experienced the works of His majesty the many other times I have come to the beach? Does it take a diagnosis of cancer? Does it take a desert in our lives? Or does it simply take a closer walk with Him?

There is a beautiful song and video below that expresses so much better the words I have tried to share. I pray, as you listen, that it will be as meaningful to you as it is to me. And if you have ever asked yourself the question "Who Am I?". If you have ever felt small and insignificant. I pray that you would step a bit closer to Him and hear Him whisper "You belong to me. You are mine. I have chosen you. I delight in you. Not for who you are, nor for anything you've done, but for who I am and what I've done."

Full Armor

It's really interesting how Satan plays mind games with people. I think the closer we walk with the Lord the more He tries to take us away.

I've had a dull headache for about 3 weeks now. Yesterday the headache was relentless and that's when the negative thoughts (compliments of Satan) started creeping in. A year ago, if I had a headache for 3 weeks I would have thought perhaps a sinus infection. But, yesterday I thought maybe I need an MRI to see if the cancer has spread. And the "what if's" started. I know that they might be natural feelings for someone with cancer, but they are not feelings that come from God.

This morning when we were going in for radiation, I saw some of the construction men on the job site of the new parking garage. They had on all of their protective gear for the job. They wore helmets, goggles, steel toed boots, back braces. They had on a full suit of armor to avoid getting hurt.

As I watched them, a scripture came into my head. "Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil." (Ephesians 6:9). I pictured myself walking into the hospital in a suit of armor, fully protected from Satan's tactics. I thought about an e-mail I had gotten from Ann the night before. She shared a scripture with me. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." (Mark 12:30). I can love him with all my heart, with all my strength and with all my soul, but if my mind is controlled by Satan and his tactics, what have I accomplished? He is asking for my all, not the parts I choose to give Him.

So, I'm walking with my full suit of armor on. It's fool proof against the tactics of the devil. And you know, it's not even heavy. In fact the burden I carried without the suit, was so much heavier to carry.

I'm looking forward to two days off from radiation. Spending time with Carl, with the kids and going to church. And yes, I will be wearing my suit of armor everywhere I go.

Someone With "Skin On"

When my daughter Holly was a little girl, she was very afraid of the dark. When she went to sleep at night she didn't just want a night light, she wanted a lamp with a 100 watt light bulb.

One night, when Holly was about 4 years old, we had finished dinner and were all cleaning up the kitchen. Eric was clearing the table, I was washing dishes and Holly had her little cloth trying to help, like her big brother. It had gotten late and it was a school night for Eric, so I was anxious to get the job finished. When I got ready to sweep the floor, I remembered that the broom was outside in the far corner of the back porch.

I turned to Holly, who was so anxious to be part of the cleaning, and asked her if she would go outside and get the broom. She walked over to the door, opened it just a crack and peeked outside into the dark. She then closed it back, and went back to cleaning with her little cloth. After a minute or two, I said again, "Holly would you go outside and get the broom for Mommy?" She again opened the door, peeked out for a moment, closed it back and went back to her cloth.

This time I noticed, and said, "Holly, mommy asked you to go get the broom. Why do you keep opening and closing the door?" Her little face was creased with worry and she said, "Mommy, I can't go out there. It's too dark and the broom is too far away." I knelt down in front of her and said, "Holly, you can do it. You don't have to be afraid because God will go out there with you. He will be right there beside you."

I gave her a hug and watched as she went back to the door. This time she opened it a bit further and looked out for quite a long time. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, she closed it back and ran into my arms and said, "Oh, mommy I know God will go out there with me but I need somebody with SKIN ON!"

Oftentimes, we open a door in our lives and we are faced with having to go out into darkness. The broom that we need to get to, seems so far away. Even though we know that God is there, it seems too scary. And we become as a little 4 year old again, wishing we could just reach out and touch Him.

Life's journeys are not always easy. And faith is not always easy. God is not disappointed in us when our faith wobbles. Even Thomas, after hearing of Jesus' resurrection from the dead, would not believe it unless he was able to put his fingers into Jesus' hands and side. But Jesus didn't shun him or tell him to leave. He gently reminded him to "stop doubting and believe". And He quietly waited until Thomas understood and said "My Lord and my God!" and once again believed.

When we are afraid to open the door. When we can't see the broom because it is too dark, we are not alone. We might not be able to feel His skin, and we might wobble, but we are NEVER alone. His light will light our way. "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me. Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like day; for darkness is as light to you." (Psalms 139:11-12).

And His light will be our "someone with skin on."