THE CLIMB

In the last few days, three different people have said to me, "I just had a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer and I gave them the link to your blog." And each time I heard this, I thought about the person who had just received that news. I remembered how I felt when I read my ultrasound reports. I thought about how I felt when I woke up from surgery and heard that it was cancer and that it had spread.

I literally felt as if I stood facing a colossal mountain and had to climb over it to get to my normal life awaiting on the other side.

Carl and I love to go to the mountains in North Carolina. As soon as we catch sight of them in the distance we start getting excited. The closer we come to their majestic grandeur, the more in awe we become. We love to go hiking in the mountains. We choose a part of a trail, map out our route, put on our boots, bring our walking stick and some food and water and set out for the climb. When we start at the bottom, the top looks so far away. We can see off in the distance where the trail runs along the peak. We know that the trail will lead us over the mountain but it is too difficult to see until we get closer to it. Though we have a general idea of how long the climb will take us, we're not exactly sure because we don't know what obstacles we might face along the way.

And so we start our hike. The farther away we get from the noise of the highway, the more we can hear the chirps of the birds singing in the treetops, the crackling of the leaves as the squirrels and rabbits scamper around playfully. The babbling of the brook off in the distance. And as we get deeper into the woods, we are no longer able to see the mountain that looms ahead of us. Now we see only a few feet in front of us. We focus on each step along the way, careful not to trip over a rock or falling log in our path. Our eyesight becomes keener. We look through the camouflage of the trees and see a fawn, standing still as a statue, watching us. Our talking now becomes a whisper so we can better hear the sounds around us. We continue to walk. After awhile we stop for a drink and something to eat. Refreshed, we continue along the trail. We know that we are climbing higher and higher because we feel the slight tug on our leg muscles. But the incline doesn't seem overwhelming. We use our walking sticks along the way to knock away hanging limbs above our heads and to probe areas along the path where we are unsure of the footing.

We start to tire and stop to rest before continuing on the path. We are still unsure of how much longer we have to get to the top. We stop to rest again. And just when we feel as if we are too tired to go on,
we see a small ray of light through the trees! We walk a little further and find ourselves at the top of the mountain! The air is crystal clear. The sky is a gentle blue with not a cloud in the sky. And the brilliant sun sets a golden glow on every blade of grass it touches. We made the climb. We made it to the top of the mountain. We could now see the other side.

And I am reminded of the times in our life when we feel like we are facing a giant mountain. We can't see to the other side. We can't conceive of having the strength to make the climb. Even now, with 11 more chemo treatments ahead, followed by 42 radiations followed by major surgery and then waiting to see if it all worked, I feel like I have only walked a few steps up the mountain in front of me.

Are you standing at the bottom of a mountain right now? Our mountains have different names, but they are still mountains. "The death of a loved one". "The breaking of a relationship" "The loss of a home." "Alcoholism" "The loss of a job" "A wayward child". What mountain looms ahead of you?

For me, I refuse to look at the mountain. I will look only at the path that is directly in front of me. I won't try to figure out how much time it will take to get to the top. I will try to be attentive to what God has given me to enjoy along the way. I will take my faith and trust in Him and use it as my walking stick to go ahead of me. When I tire I will rest in Him and ask for renewed energy to go on. And when I reach the top of that mountain and see the other side, I will look up to the Son and give Him thanks for walking with me every step of the way.

And I will remember you in prayer as you make your climb, one step at a time.

Where Two or Three Agree

I have just returned home after a 2 1/2 hour drive and am happy to be out of the van. Partly because of achy bones but mostly because I was anxious to write about the last couple of days.

On Tuesday evening, after the first treatment of Taxotere that morning, I was pretty wiped out. Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling terrible and running a fever. I guess the 3 white blood cells got overwhelmed:) I spent most of the day in the bed, disappointed at having to miss bible study and choir (my two favorite things to do during the week).

Thursday morning, I got up still not feeling well. But, here's where the good part begins. My daughter, Holly, was to be promoted on Friday morning, in Jacksonville, to sergeant in the U.S. Marine Corps. I wanted more than anything to be able to see her receive her ranks. So, I started to pray that God would take control of whatever was going on in my body and give me the strength to go to the ceremony. I knew that God would hear my prayer, but what I didn't know at the time was how many other people were praying for me. That very day, I received five different e-mails and two cards from people who simply said "I'm praying for you" or "you are in my prayers". They didn't know how badly I was feeling nor how much I wanted to go to the ceremony, but God did!!

And this morning, the morning of Holly's promotion, I woke up feeling like a new person! No fever, no malaise and feeling like I might finally be able to keep down some food.

And because of answered prayer, I DID attend her ceremony!!

One by one, Marines of all ages and ranks filed onto the quarter deck, standing at attention, awaiting the entrance of the Colonel. As I stood there, I was filled with gratitude for the dedication of our service men and women and a deep sense of patriotism for our country. When the Colonel came in, he spoke to his Marines and then turned to face Holly who was standing at attention. And as he pinned her new ranks onto her uniform, I watched through tear filled eyes, not with pride, lest I should boast, but with thankfulness for what God has done in her life.

As I was driving home this afternoon, thanking Him for answered prayer, I remembered a scripture. It comes from the book of Matthew 18:20 "Where two or three agree together in my name, there I will be also." I thought about the many people who have prayed for me, some that I know about and many more that I don't. And I just want to say, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU" for coming to God on my behalf. For I know that, He hears those prayers and will be faithful to answer them according to His will.

SURVIVOR

One down and 11 to go.

Before going over to the cancer center this morning, I went up to the NICU and visited with my friends. That's always a good way to start the day. Then I headed across the street with my scripture verse Phillipians 4:13 printed on a little piece of paper in my pocket, asking God to give me His strength today.

My treatment was scheduled to start at 9am. It's always a question as to whether the port will cooperate. After the usual bending, coughing, standing on my head and heparin didn't work, they decided to run a bag of fluids through it fast. That did the trick. Yay!! I can honestly say that nothing I have tried deadens the skin when they put that needle in the port. And, why do they have you take a deep breath and count to 3 when they stick you on count of 2.? Dirty trick. I don't trick my patients, even if they can't count to 3 :)
Labs were drawn and sent. When the results came back my white blood cells were very low so I guess I need to be REALLY careful about catching something. And the anemia was .1 of a point over what would have kept me from getting the treatment so I was thankful for that.

This time I brought my laptop to help pass the time. Carl had to take the car in to see about a problem. The first infusion was Benadryl followed by an infusion of Decadron. I e-mailed my friend during the decadron infusion and said "Benadryl followed by Decadron. I think I will now be Bi-Polar." :) Then the infusion of the taxotere over about 2 1/2 hours.

Carl got back just in time for the end of the treatment and we went straight home for some Ritz crackers and anti nausea drugs. This treatment had me feeling sick before it was finished infusing. I think I miss that little "magic" pill.

But the best part of the day came when I got home. A few days ago I had written on my blog about "when you actually feel like you are a survivor." Some say you are a survivor the day after you are diagnosed. I really questioned that and have wondered when I will truly feel like I am one.

Well, I opened up my e-mail and there was a beautiful answer to my question. I believe the answer came from God through Ann, my sister in Christ. I was so uplifted by it, I asked her if I could share it here. Her answer was, to share anything that might help someone as God leads. Here is her answer to "When Are You A Survivor."

Dear Roxanne,
I have no idea how to post something to your blog but I wanted to tell you....You are a survivor each day you awake to God's grace anew. And when your final days come many years from now and you awake to God's Holy arms and His beautiful face, you are a survivor then too. For you have lived on this Earth, battled with Satan's powers, and left a legacy of love, faith and grace. Fight on my dear friend and survivor!
Blessings and God's strength for each new day.
Ann

I AM a survivor for I wake each day to God's new mercies and grace!
And I pray, with all my heart, that whatever trial or battle you are facing right now, that you can know God's fresh new mercies and grace every morning. For then, we can truly call ourselves SURVIVORS!

LAMENTATION 3:23