One down and 11 to go.
Before going over to the cancer center this morning, I went up to the NICU and visited with my friends. That's always a good way to start the day. Then I headed across the street with my scripture verse Phillipians 4:13 printed on a little piece of paper in my pocket, asking God to give me His strength today.
My treatment was scheduled to start at 9am. It's always a question as to whether the port will cooperate. After the usual bending, coughing, standing on my head and heparin didn't work, they decided to run a bag of fluids through it fast. That did the trick. Yay!! I can honestly say that nothing I have tried deadens the skin when they put that needle in the port. And, why do they have you take a deep breath and count to 3 when they stick you on count of 2.? Dirty trick. I don't trick my patients, even if they can't count to 3 :)
Labs were drawn and sent. When the results came back my white blood cells were very low so I guess I need to be REALLY careful about catching something. And the anemia was .1 of a point over what would have kept me from getting the treatment so I was thankful for that.
This time I brought my laptop to help pass the time. Carl had to take the car in to see about a problem. The first infusion was Benadryl followed by an infusion of Decadron. I e-mailed my friend during the decadron infusion and said "Benadryl followed by Decadron. I think I will now be Bi-Polar." :) Then the infusion of the taxotere over about 2 1/2 hours.
Carl got back just in time for the end of the treatment and we went straight home for some Ritz crackers and anti nausea drugs. This treatment had me feeling sick before it was finished infusing. I think I miss that little "magic" pill.
But the best part of the day came when I got home. A few days ago I had written on my blog about "when you actually feel like you are a survivor." Some say you are a survivor the day after you are diagnosed. I really questioned that and have wondered when I will truly feel like I am one.
Well, I opened up my e-mail and there was a beautiful answer to my question. I believe the answer came from God through Ann, my sister in Christ. I was so uplifted by it, I asked her if I could share it here. Her answer was, to share anything that might help someone as God leads. Here is her answer to "When Are You A Survivor."
Dear Roxanne,
I have no idea how to post something to your blog but I wanted to tell you....You are a survivor each day you awake to God's grace anew. And when your final days come many years from now and you awake to God's Holy arms and His beautiful face, you are a survivor then too. For you have lived on this Earth, battled with Satan's powers, and left a legacy of love, faith and grace. Fight on my dear friend and survivor!
Blessings and God's strength for each new day.
Ann
I AM a survivor for I wake each day to God's new mercies and grace!
And I pray, with all my heart, that whatever trial or battle you are facing right now, that you can know God's fresh new mercies and grace every morning. For then, we can truly call ourselves SURVIVORS!
LAMENTATION 3:23
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
CONSIDER IT JOY
Which one sounds the best? 12 treatments, 12 weeks or 3 months. I have had the hardest time staying upbeat yesterday and today. Tomorrow, I start the first of 12 weekly treatments of Taxotere. I keep trying to find the positive things in that but haven't come up with much. I guess it's good that this drug doesn't cause the heart damage like the last one. And the only hair left to lose is 4 eyelashes on the right eye. Bottom line, I'm just not ready for tomorrow.
When I started the Adriamycin, Cytoxan though I was nervous, I was quite positve about it. Maybe "clueless" was the better word.
But this time I know better. Last time I had treatment every 3 weeks (1 bad week and 2 good weeks to recover). How will that math work this time with every week treatment? Last time I had the "magic" pill called Emend to help with the 1st 3 days of nausea. Not this time. I went into the last treatment full of energy. I'm going into this one exhausted. Last time it was 4 treatments and that seemed do-able. This time is 12 and it's seems overwhelming. Okay could I have a little cheese with my whine please?
And, I have to confess. Sometimes I think that if God had given me a choice when He chose to do His work in me this way, I would have had to join Moses and some of the others in the bible in saying "Who Me?" "Maybe, Lord, you have the wrong person." "Maybe we could go to Plan B because I don't think I can do Plan A."
But, I know that God knows best and that's why, Thanks be to Him, He didn't give me the choice. I have already seen how He has worked in my life through this in just the last 4 months.
A few days ago I shared a scripture from the book of James and I have been thinking about it a lot since then. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds." (James 1:2) What does that mean? Does God expect me to say "Lord, I am so happy that you chose to allow me to have cancer. Thank you for letting me go through this. I consider it pure joy." Absolutely not. He knows my heart. He knows it's not what I would have chosen. He doesn't ask me to walk around pretending to be happy about having cancer. But, He asks me to consider, to think about, to look forward to the work that He will do in me and through me according to His purpose and that the end result WILL be something to be joyful about!
We will all face trials in our lives. The scripture said "Consider it pure joy WHEN you face trials." It didn't say IF you face trials. No one goes from the cradle to the grave without trials. Jesus faced a tremendous trial when He went to the cross. He wasn't joyful that night in the Garden of Gethsemanee. He even asked His Father to take the cup from Him if it be His will. But He knew that when that trial was over there would be great joy because all of God's children would have a place with Him forever.
I asked God in prayer this afternoon to give me encouragement and strength to begin the next leg of this journey. He answered both requests. First, Carl came in with a bouquet of flowers. What nicer encouragement could I have received! Oh how I love him. Second, God gave me a scripture that I will carry with me tomorrow and the days to come "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phillipians 4:13).
And now I am ready for tomorrow.
And, I have to confess. Sometimes I think that if God had given me a choice when He chose to do His work in me this way, I would have had to join Moses and some of the others in the bible in saying "Who Me?" "Maybe, Lord, you have the wrong person." "Maybe we could go to Plan B because I don't think I can do Plan A."
But, I know that God knows best and that's why, Thanks be to Him, He didn't give me the choice. I have already seen how He has worked in my life through this in just the last 4 months.
A few days ago I shared a scripture from the book of James and I have been thinking about it a lot since then. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds." (James 1:2) What does that mean? Does God expect me to say "Lord, I am so happy that you chose to allow me to have cancer. Thank you for letting me go through this. I consider it pure joy." Absolutely not. He knows my heart. He knows it's not what I would have chosen. He doesn't ask me to walk around pretending to be happy about having cancer. But, He asks me to consider, to think about, to look forward to the work that He will do in me and through me according to His purpose and that the end result WILL be something to be joyful about!
We will all face trials in our lives. The scripture said "Consider it pure joy WHEN you face trials." It didn't say IF you face trials. No one goes from the cradle to the grave without trials. Jesus faced a tremendous trial when He went to the cross. He wasn't joyful that night in the Garden of Gethsemanee. He even asked His Father to take the cup from Him if it be His will. But He knew that when that trial was over there would be great joy because all of God's children would have a place with Him forever.
I asked God in prayer this afternoon to give me encouragement and strength to begin the next leg of this journey. He answered both requests. First, Carl came in with a bouquet of flowers. What nicer encouragement could I have received! Oh how I love him. Second, God gave me a scripture that I will carry with me tomorrow and the days to come "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phillipians 4:13).
And now I am ready for tomorrow.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
UNDERSTANDING
Sometimes I just don't understand.
Last night I went to the Relay for Life held at the local high school. When I pulled into the parking lot one of the Cancer Society people stopped me and asked if I was a cancer survivor. I said "Well, I think right now I'm just a day to day chemo survivor and I'm not even sure about that sometimes." She laughed and said well that qualifies you to park in our special lot for survivors. Although I don't feel like a survivor at this point, I didn't argue because I had a bunch of stuff to carry onto the field where our site was.
We had an awning set up and a table with gardenias and all the towels I made to sell and donate to the walk. The entire field and surrounding track was full of people and tents like ours camped out ready for an entire night spent walking the track.
I was excited to be there with my family, especially my grandchildren. We settled in our chairs under the awning waiting for the night's festivities to begin when all of a sudden a strong wind came and took our entire awning and blew it down the field! After some help from those around us we got it back in place and Carl staked it down. We settled in again to relax and watch the people. Katie sat holding baby Cooper, Jayda was watching the towels lest they blow away again and we all sat in the chairs visiting. Next thing you know, the sprinklers came on all across the football field. Mind you these were not just ordinary sprinklers. The pressure from just one could likely put out a good sized fire. Katie and baby Cooper got soaked as well as the towels, stroller, chairs and everything else under the awning. After drying off the baby, we all laughed and wondered what would happen next.
Soon the music started and it was time for the walk to begin. The first lap is walked by the survivors. They are led around the track by a police motorcycle escort and as they walk by, all the people in the infield clap for them. I wondered at what point in their battle they actually felt like they were a survivor. One year, two years, five years? But then my eyes caught sight of a little boy, no more than 6 years old, with his "too big for him" survivor shirt on, being carried by his father around the track. My first thought was "What's wrong with this picture?" "Why this sweet little boy?" I love children, all children, and it tugged at my heart to think of all this little one had to go through to earn that shirt that was too big for him. "Why?"
After the survivors walk I went back to our site to hold baby Cooper and try to bring up my dampened spirits. All along the track the luminaries were being placed. (These luminaries are small bags with sand and a candle in them. On the outside of the bag is the name of the person who is being remembered. At dark they dim the stadium lights and light all the candles as the bagpipes play).
After a while Carl and I decided to walk up to the concession stand to find something to eat. As we walked I started reading some of the luminaries along the way. "In loving memory of our Grandpa". "Daddy, you are our hero." "We miss you grandma." Bag after bag written with words of love. But then I saw one that said "In Loving Memory of Nathan 2001 - 2005." Four years old! My eyes filled with tears. "Why?" I asked God almost loud enough to be heard, "What could possibly be the reason for allowing this little one to be taken from his family in such a short time? Why the little children? Why are babies born so early they never have a chance be what they were supposed to be? Lord, I just don't understand!"
And then I heard His voice in a scripture, "Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror, but then we shall see face to face." Now I know only in part, but then I shall know fully." (1Corinthians 13:12) I went back to hold baby Cooper. As I looked into my infant grandson's face I understood. I can no more understand God's ways than this new baby can understand what is happening on this field tonight. But Cooper doesn't have to understand. He is perfectly content being held in my safe and secure arms. And I don't have to understand, for one day it will all become clear. But for now I am perfectly content being held safe and secure in my Father's arms.
Last night I went to the Relay for Life held at the local high school. When I pulled into the parking lot one of the Cancer Society people stopped me and asked if I was a cancer survivor. I said "Well, I think right now I'm just a day to day chemo survivor and I'm not even sure about that sometimes." She laughed and said well that qualifies you to park in our special lot for survivors. Although I don't feel like a survivor at this point, I didn't argue because I had a bunch of stuff to carry onto the field where our site was.
We had an awning set up and a table with gardenias and all the towels I made to sell and donate to the walk. The entire field and surrounding track was full of people and tents like ours camped out ready for an entire night spent walking the track.
I was excited to be there with my family, especially my grandchildren. We settled in our chairs under the awning waiting for the night's festivities to begin when all of a sudden a strong wind came and took our entire awning and blew it down the field! After some help from those around us we got it back in place and Carl staked it down. We settled in again to relax and watch the people. Katie sat holding baby Cooper, Jayda was watching the towels lest they blow away again and we all sat in the chairs visiting. Next thing you know, the sprinklers came on all across the football field. Mind you these were not just ordinary sprinklers. The pressure from just one could likely put out a good sized fire. Katie and baby Cooper got soaked as well as the towels, stroller, chairs and everything else under the awning. After drying off the baby, we all laughed and wondered what would happen next.
Soon the music started and it was time for the walk to begin. The first lap is walked by the survivors. They are led around the track by a police motorcycle escort and as they walk by, all the people in the infield clap for them. I wondered at what point in their battle they actually felt like they were a survivor. One year, two years, five years? But then my eyes caught sight of a little boy, no more than 6 years old, with his "too big for him" survivor shirt on, being carried by his father around the track. My first thought was "What's wrong with this picture?" "Why this sweet little boy?" I love children, all children, and it tugged at my heart to think of all this little one had to go through to earn that shirt that was too big for him. "Why?"
After the survivors walk I went back to our site to hold baby Cooper and try to bring up my dampened spirits. All along the track the luminaries were being placed. (These luminaries are small bags with sand and a candle in them. On the outside of the bag is the name of the person who is being remembered. At dark they dim the stadium lights and light all the candles as the bagpipes play).
After a while Carl and I decided to walk up to the concession stand to find something to eat. As we walked I started reading some of the luminaries along the way. "In loving memory of our Grandpa". "Daddy, you are our hero." "We miss you grandma." Bag after bag written with words of love. But then I saw one that said "In Loving Memory of Nathan 2001 - 2005." Four years old! My eyes filled with tears. "Why?" I asked God almost loud enough to be heard, "What could possibly be the reason for allowing this little one to be taken from his family in such a short time? Why the little children? Why are babies born so early they never have a chance be what they were supposed to be? Lord, I just don't understand!"
And then I heard His voice in a scripture, "Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror, but then we shall see face to face." Now I know only in part, but then I shall know fully." (1Corinthians 13:12) I went back to hold baby Cooper. As I looked into my infant grandson's face I understood. I can no more understand God's ways than this new baby can understand what is happening on this field tonight. But Cooper doesn't have to understand. He is perfectly content being held in my safe and secure arms. And I don't have to understand, for one day it will all become clear. But for now I am perfectly content being held safe and secure in my Father's arms.
Friday, April 24, 2009
CAUSES
Tonight is the annual Relay for Life to benefit the American Cancer Society. I've been looking forward to it for several weeks and I'm excited about being a part of it. I'm hoping my bones co-operate long enough to walk a few times around the track. with my family. Our family started participating in this 2 years ago in memory of Katie's dad, John, as a way to honor him and help with the cause of fighting this disease. I believe in this cause, though it's weird because I still feel as though I am supporting it for others and not myself. Even after 4 months, I still sometimes feel like I am in a dream and going to wake up and not have this cancer. But then reality sets in and I know that this cause will help me and others who fight the same battle.
The relay is a nationally recognized cause. It is supported by hundreds of thousands of people. Some walk in memory of loved ones, some in honor of loved ones fighting the battle, some who are fighting it themselves and some who are survivors. The track is lined up with luminaries that will be lit when nightfall comes. Watching so many people walking the track lit with those candles is an absolutely beautiful sight. We have a tent at the high school and I have been busy making embroidered towel to sell at the walk to raise money to give to this cause.
As I'm sitting here making these towels, I have been thinking about the causes we choose to support in our life. Why do we choose to support certain causes? Many causes reap rewards that we are able to see now, such as new medicines and new treatments towards fighting diseases. Sometimes the rewards won't be seen until our children's or even our grandchildren's generation. But we know that by supporting that cause, we are making a difference. If we really believe in a cause we gladly give our time, our talents and our money. We tell others about it. Sometimes we believe in it so strongly it becomes a passion in our life. I believe in this cause of fighting cancer, and I will do all I can to support it.
But for me there is no more important cause than the cause of Jesus Christ. I am not ashamed to say it. I'm excited about it. I want to tell others about it. I want Him to have the first of my time, talents and gifts. I believe that supporting His cause can make a difference. And the rewards that we receive by supporting His cause will last for an eternity! ALL PRAISE TO HIM!!
The relay is a nationally recognized cause. It is supported by hundreds of thousands of people. Some walk in memory of loved ones, some in honor of loved ones fighting the battle, some who are fighting it themselves and some who are survivors. The track is lined up with luminaries that will be lit when nightfall comes. Watching so many people walking the track lit with those candles is an absolutely beautiful sight. We have a tent at the high school and I have been busy making embroidered towel to sell at the walk to raise money to give to this cause.
As I'm sitting here making these towels, I have been thinking about the causes we choose to support in our life. Why do we choose to support certain causes? Many causes reap rewards that we are able to see now, such as new medicines and new treatments towards fighting diseases. Sometimes the rewards won't be seen until our children's or even our grandchildren's generation. But we know that by supporting that cause, we are making a difference. If we really believe in a cause we gladly give our time, our talents and our money. We tell others about it. Sometimes we believe in it so strongly it becomes a passion in our life. I believe in this cause of fighting cancer, and I will do all I can to support it.
But for me there is no more important cause than the cause of Jesus Christ. I am not ashamed to say it. I'm excited about it. I want to tell others about it. I want Him to have the first of my time, talents and gifts. I believe that supporting His cause can make a difference. And the rewards that we receive by supporting His cause will last for an eternity! ALL PRAISE TO HIM!!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Too Busy
I haven't written in several days. Life has been so busy since I last posted. Friday night we went to a play at the High School. Saturday, we went to my son Eric and his wife Katie's for a huge Fund raiser party in honor of John, Katie's dad, who passed away 2 years ago from pancreatic cancer. It started at 2:00 pm and went on into the evening. They had a huge slide for the kids, the band played and they sold food. All the proceeds were donated to the American Cancer Society Relay for Life in which we will participate this coming Friday night. Sunday we went to church, out to lunch, home for a nap and out to dinner and a movie. Monday I worked on projects for our church Health and Safety Fair. Then I began working on towels to sell at the Relay for Life Friday night. Then I took Jayda to see the Hannah Montana movie. We had popcorn and skittles for dinner and ice cream for dessert. (Only with Granny). After the movie, I dropped Jayda off at home, visited with baby Cooper and went home, where I worked on projects until late into the night.
It's Tuesday morning and quiet in the house as Carl is at the dentist. I'm sitting here thinking about how I can plan my day to be most productive with all that I need to do. My bones ache so bad I'd rather just stay in my chair. No, the library to return a book, the pharmacy to fill a prescription, Michaels for paint for the Relay for Life sign, Target for more towels for the Relay for Life, Dylan's baseball game and then Eric's softball game tonight. So much to do.
And as I sit here in the quiet, I realize I haven't written anything on my blog for several days. Hmmm, I thought. That's funny, God hasn't given me anything to write lately. Wonder why. And that still small voice whispers to me "I haven't spoken to you because you have been too BUSY to talk to me." And then I am reminded of the last several mornings where I have gotten up, ready to start my busy day without so much as a "Good Morning" to God. I have gone through the activities of the day too busy to talk to him. Maybe tonight I say. And at night I fall into bed drifting off to sleep in the middle of my prayers not even knowing what I said.
Does this ever happen to you? It seems as though God is quiet. Like you haven't heard from Him in awhile? Yet, you are so busy doing things that there is no time in your day to spend with Him? Even for a few moments? It happens to me. But then the still small voice gently speaks to me, beckoning me to spend time with Him. Can you hear it? We have to be unbusy and still for a moment to hear it, but it's there.
Yes, there are many things on my "To Do" list today. But for now, I am going outside, in my swing, with my bible, and spend time with God.
It's Tuesday morning and quiet in the house as Carl is at the dentist. I'm sitting here thinking about how I can plan my day to be most productive with all that I need to do. My bones ache so bad I'd rather just stay in my chair. No, the library to return a book, the pharmacy to fill a prescription, Michaels for paint for the Relay for Life sign, Target for more towels for the Relay for Life, Dylan's baseball game and then Eric's softball game tonight. So much to do.
And as I sit here in the quiet, I realize I haven't written anything on my blog for several days. Hmmm, I thought. That's funny, God hasn't given me anything to write lately. Wonder why. And that still small voice whispers to me "I haven't spoken to you because you have been too BUSY to talk to me." And then I am reminded of the last several mornings where I have gotten up, ready to start my busy day without so much as a "Good Morning" to God. I have gone through the activities of the day too busy to talk to him. Maybe tonight I say. And at night I fall into bed drifting off to sleep in the middle of my prayers not even knowing what I said.
Does this ever happen to you? It seems as though God is quiet. Like you haven't heard from Him in awhile? Yet, you are so busy doing things that there is no time in your day to spend with Him? Even for a few moments? It happens to me. But then the still small voice gently speaks to me, beckoning me to spend time with Him. Can you hear it? We have to be unbusy and still for a moment to hear it, but it's there.
Yes, there are many things on my "To Do" list today. But for now, I am going outside, in my swing, with my bible, and spend time with God.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
LAUGHTER
They say laughter is the best medicine. Laughter is good for the soul. I always love trying to find humor in a stressful situation. Or to find humor in any situation for that matter. Today, one of my friends at work asked me what kind of side effects I had from the chemo. I thought about how funny I find the "You Might Be A" jokes. "You might be a redneck if..." "You might be a blonde if..." "You might be a NICU nurse if..." So I thought I'd write my own version of "You Might Be A Chemo Patient if..." to help explain the side effects.
You Might Be A Chemo Patient if....
You carry more anti-nausea drugs than Walgreens.
You have counted the 4,358 little flowers on the bathroom wallpaper four times.
The steroids make you want to eat everything in the kitchen including the sink.
You are in a perpetual state of "morning sickness".
Your head is 20 degrees hotter than the rest of your body.
You have less energy than a AAAAAAAAA battery.
You own stock in the "Ritz Cracker Company".
Your bones feel as though you just got off of a 3 day trail ride.
A windy day can bring on a panic attack.
It's 4am and you're still wide awake.
Your mouth feels like it's been scrubbed with a Brillo pad.
The top of your head shines like it's been scrubbed with a Brillo pad.
No matter how dark our situation seems, we can always find some humor if we try hard enough. God teaches us about joy and laughter throughout His word. We are told in the book of James to " Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. "
Job 8:21 says "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. "
Laughter IS a wonderful medicine and best of all it comes with no side effects!!
You Might Be A Chemo Patient if....
You carry more anti-nausea drugs than Walgreens.
You have counted the 4,358 little flowers on the bathroom wallpaper four times.
The steroids make you want to eat everything in the kitchen including the sink.
You are in a perpetual state of "morning sickness".
Your head is 20 degrees hotter than the rest of your body.
You have less energy than a AAAAAAAAA battery.
You own stock in the "Ritz Cracker Company".
Your bones feel as though you just got off of a 3 day trail ride.
A windy day can bring on a panic attack.
It's 4am and you're still wide awake.
Your mouth feels like it's been scrubbed with a Brillo pad.
The top of your head shines like it's been scrubbed with a Brillo pad.
No matter how dark our situation seems, we can always find some humor if we try hard enough. God teaches us about joy and laughter throughout His word. We are told in the book of James to " Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. "
Job 8:21 says "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. "
Laughter IS a wonderful medicine and best of all it comes with no side effects!!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
FAITH
Today has been one of those days when God has revealed Himself to me very clearly and I want to share it with you. Forgive me if it seems like rambling. I pray that He will take my words and turn them into His words so you may understand what He wants me to say.
I think that anytime we are faced with a mountain in our lives we tend to question our faith. That is not necessarily a bad thing. God knows our hearts. He knows our human tendencies. And He understands.
Being a medical person, I understand clearly the aggressiveness of this type of cancer. The stage that it was diagnosed at and the 80% chance of it spreading to other organs weigh heavily on my mind at times. I watched my mother die from this disease even as I prayed for her healing. And I confess that I sometimes doubt that I will be able to beat it. Our bible study today talked about Thomas and how he doubted that it was really Jesus who had come back from the grave and appeared to the disciples. Thomas was sometimes called "The Twin". We spoke about Thomas having many twins. I am one of Thomas' twins. I too struggle with doubt.
I don't doubt that God can, if it is His will, place me in the 20% who beat this disease. But God also taught me a valuable lesson on healing with the loss of my mother. His healing is not always a physical healing so that we might live to the ripe old age of 102 (or whatever age we think we should live to). God's ultimate healing is accomplished when we are free from the troubles, sickness and pain of this world and meet Him face to face to spend eternity with Him.
So I ask myself "What does this say about my faith?"
During bible study, one of the gentlemen mentioned a scripture and it was as if God turned a 150 watt light bulb on right in front of my eyes. It was Hebrews 11:1. "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see."
Yes, I hope that I will be healed from this disease, but more importantly I hope that I can glorify Him in this life and then spend eternity with Him. And because of my faith I can say with confident assurance that what I hope for is going to happen. Because His word never fails.
Sometimes, I feel like a small child who doesn't understand his world. But then I run into my Father's loving arms and He surrounds me and says "You don't have to understand. It's okay to doubt. It's okay to question. I love you and I have it all under control and all you have to do is stay close to me." And once again "It is Well With My Soul."
I think that anytime we are faced with a mountain in our lives we tend to question our faith. That is not necessarily a bad thing. God knows our hearts. He knows our human tendencies. And He understands.
Being a medical person, I understand clearly the aggressiveness of this type of cancer. The stage that it was diagnosed at and the 80% chance of it spreading to other organs weigh heavily on my mind at times. I watched my mother die from this disease even as I prayed for her healing. And I confess that I sometimes doubt that I will be able to beat it. Our bible study today talked about Thomas and how he doubted that it was really Jesus who had come back from the grave and appeared to the disciples. Thomas was sometimes called "The Twin". We spoke about Thomas having many twins. I am one of Thomas' twins. I too struggle with doubt.
I don't doubt that God can, if it is His will, place me in the 20% who beat this disease. But God also taught me a valuable lesson on healing with the loss of my mother. His healing is not always a physical healing so that we might live to the ripe old age of 102 (or whatever age we think we should live to). God's ultimate healing is accomplished when we are free from the troubles, sickness and pain of this world and meet Him face to face to spend eternity with Him.
So I ask myself "What does this say about my faith?"
During bible study, one of the gentlemen mentioned a scripture and it was as if God turned a 150 watt light bulb on right in front of my eyes. It was Hebrews 11:1. "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see."
Yes, I hope that I will be healed from this disease, but more importantly I hope that I can glorify Him in this life and then spend eternity with Him. And because of my faith I can say with confident assurance that what I hope for is going to happen. Because His word never fails.
Sometimes, I feel like a small child who doesn't understand his world. But then I run into my Father's loving arms and He surrounds me and says "You don't have to understand. It's okay to doubt. It's okay to question. I love you and I have it all under control and all you have to do is stay close to me." And once again "It is Well With My Soul."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
ALLELUIA! HE HAS RISEN INDEED!
Christ the Lord is Risen Today. Alleluia!! What a joyous day!
We serve a risen Savior and He is Alive! His presence is all around us. The early morning sun as it rises brightly above the trees. The birds singing sweetly in the early morning air. The innocent smiles on the faces of the babies in worship. The sound of laughter as we fellowship one with another during the pancake breakfast. The squeals of excitement from the children as they hunt for Easter eggs on the front lawn. The sweet fragrance of lilies as they adorn the sanctuary. The faces of little children filled with excitement as they decorate the cross with fresh flowers. The testimonies of praise offered by God's people. The voices lifted up to heaven as the hymns were sung. The hugs and sloppy kisses from my precious grandchildren.
Some people say "Too bad every day can't be Easter." But God says everyday CAN be Easter! Our risen Savior is the same Savior yesterday as He is today and as He will be tomorrow and forever more. That is His promise to us.
I know that we will all face days of uncertainty. Days of illness, despair, discouragement. Not all our days will be spent on the mountain. But we have a hope. I would like to share the words of one of my favorite hymns. I pray that it will lift you and encourage you just as it has me.
Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, He holds the future
And I can face uncertain days because He lives.
ALLELUIA! HE HAS RISEN INDEED!
We serve a risen Savior and He is Alive! His presence is all around us. The early morning sun as it rises brightly above the trees. The birds singing sweetly in the early morning air. The innocent smiles on the faces of the babies in worship. The sound of laughter as we fellowship one with another during the pancake breakfast. The squeals of excitement from the children as they hunt for Easter eggs on the front lawn. The sweet fragrance of lilies as they adorn the sanctuary. The faces of little children filled with excitement as they decorate the cross with fresh flowers. The testimonies of praise offered by God's people. The voices lifted up to heaven as the hymns were sung. The hugs and sloppy kisses from my precious grandchildren.
Some people say "Too bad every day can't be Easter." But God says everyday CAN be Easter! Our risen Savior is the same Savior yesterday as He is today and as He will be tomorrow and forever more. That is His promise to us.
I know that we will all face days of uncertainty. Days of illness, despair, discouragement. Not all our days will be spent on the mountain. But we have a hope. I would like to share the words of one of my favorite hymns. I pray that it will lift you and encourage you just as it has me.
Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, He holds the future
And I can face uncertain days because He lives.
ALLELUIA! HE HAS RISEN INDEED!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Not My Will
I think this last round of A/C did me in. I told Carl I thought maybe they gave me extra for good measure since it was the last round. Whatever the reason, I am so happy there will be no more of that cocktail. The nausea has been non-stop and the fatigue has progressed to total exhaustion. After sleeping almost 12 hours last night I got up, took a shower and went back to bed. Carl went to work at the church and I slept. Carl came home and started teaching and I slept. Finally at 5:00 in the afternoon I got ready to go to church for our Maundy Thursday service.
As soon as the service started, I began to feel better. Perhaps because I took my mind off of myself and put it on Christ. The altar was beautifully decorated with the glow of 12 candles that represented each of the disciples. The evening sun shone through the stained glass window and illuminated the faces of those in worship. The organ sang a sweet melodious song of praise. The sound of the congregation lifting their voices in praise filled the air.
During the service there was a video clip of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. For some reason, the sound wouldn't work so we just watched the video. But, the look of anguish on Jesus' face in the Garden spoke volumes to my heart. The picture needed no sound at all. I could hear His voice crying out "Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me , yet not my will but yours be done ". In the silence I heard Him say, "I did this for you, Roxanne, because I love you!!" Tears of gratefulness filled my eyes. How can I possibly say "thank you" What can I possibly do to give back?
I can give Him my heart. I can surrender my life. I can give Him my will. I can pray as He prayed, "Father not my will but thine."
Jesus was afraid, disappointed, confused and exhausted that night in the Garden. He has experienced exactly what we experience in our lives. He understands. He's not someone who sits up in the sky on a throne. He is a living, personal friend who loves us and wants to care for us. And because of that I can have a light of joy that can never be extinguished!!
As soon as the service started, I began to feel better. Perhaps because I took my mind off of myself and put it on Christ. The altar was beautifully decorated with the glow of 12 candles that represented each of the disciples. The evening sun shone through the stained glass window and illuminated the faces of those in worship. The organ sang a sweet melodious song of praise. The sound of the congregation lifting their voices in praise filled the air.
During the service there was a video clip of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. For some reason, the sound wouldn't work so we just watched the video. But, the look of anguish on Jesus' face in the Garden spoke volumes to my heart. The picture needed no sound at all. I could hear His voice crying out "Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me , yet not my will but yours be done ". In the silence I heard Him say, "I did this for you, Roxanne, because I love you!!" Tears of gratefulness filled my eyes. How can I possibly say "thank you" What can I possibly do to give back?
I can give Him my heart. I can surrender my life. I can give Him my will. I can pray as He prayed, "Father not my will but thine."
Jesus was afraid, disappointed, confused and exhausted that night in the Garden. He has experienced exactly what we experience in our lives. He understands. He's not someone who sits up in the sky on a throne. He is a living, personal friend who loves us and wants to care for us. And because of that I can have a light of joy that can never be extinguished!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Friendship in the Pit
Yeah!! One hurdle crossed. Yesterday was the last of the 4 Adriamycin & Cytoxan treatments. Now onto 12 weekly treatments of Taxotere. I was a little concerned about the port working after so much trouble with it the last time but with all the prayers and about 10 minutes of all but standing on my head, it worked like a charm! Thanks for the prayers.
Even though this was the last of this chemo cocktail, it was certainly not the easiest. My blood work shows significant anemia, hence the fatigue and shortness of breath. But the nausea was wicked. I was sick all day and was disappointed I had to miss Eric's first softball game of the season. But they smoked 'em 24-1 so I guess I didn't miss much of a game I.finally gave in tothe nausea and took the Phenergan. "Night night" for 14 hrs. I wish they could kind a anti-nausea drug that didn't put you in a coma.
Woke up feeling a little better today. There is a magic pill called Emend that you get to take for 3 days. It doesn't make you sleepy and works great for about 6 hours. So I am enjoying the benefits of that today. Wish that could be something you could take everyday though.
I opened my e-mail today, and as He has done several times in the past, God spoke to me in a devotional. I wanted to share it with you.
Friendship in the Pit
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman Wednesday, April 08 2009
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." - Proverbs 17:17 "I am in there again," I told my friend. "The pit." A time when no one can cheer you up and you wonder if there ever was or is a God. Have you ever had such times? Discouragement can be devastating even to the best of saints. It can bring us so low. The writer of Proverbs phrased it well when he said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). When we get so low that we despair of our belief, we can identify with the prophet Elijah who wanted to die after being so discouraged with life. "I'm coming over," my friend said. "Aw, you don't have to do that," I said. "I'm coming over. We're going to pray." About 30 minutes later my friend walked in the door. We sat in living room and my friend began to pray. I didn't feel like praying. I was too deep in the pit. All I could do was listen. After awhile my friend was quiet. We both sat quietly for ten to fifteen minutes, praying quietly to ourselves. Suddenly my friend said, "First Thessalonians 5:24!" "What verse is that?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said. "That is the verse He spoke to me."
I grabbed my Bible and looked up the verse. "The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it." We laughed. Can He be so personal? Can He care that much? That night I grew more in my love of my two friends, not to mention being brought out of the pit. Do you have a friend who is there when you need somebody at any hour of the day? Are you there for your friend? Ask the Lord how you can be a better friend to someone today.
As I read this I thanked God for all the friends He has given me. Friends at church, friends at work, friends I have never even met, new friends I have made as a result of this journey. My friends let me ride on their hope when mine is dim and most importantly, My friends pray for me.
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!!
Even though this was the last of this chemo cocktail, it was certainly not the easiest. My blood work shows significant anemia, hence the fatigue and shortness of breath. But the nausea was wicked. I was sick all day and was disappointed I had to miss Eric's first softball game of the season. But they smoked 'em 24-1 so I guess I didn't miss much of a game I.finally gave in tothe nausea and took the Phenergan. "Night night" for 14 hrs. I wish they could kind a anti-nausea drug that didn't put you in a coma.
Woke up feeling a little better today. There is a magic pill called Emend that you get to take for 3 days. It doesn't make you sleepy and works great for about 6 hours. So I am enjoying the benefits of that today. Wish that could be something you could take everyday though.
I opened my e-mail today, and as He has done several times in the past, God spoke to me in a devotional. I wanted to share it with you.
Friendship in the Pit
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman Wednesday, April 08 2009
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." - Proverbs 17:17 "I am in there again," I told my friend. "The pit." A time when no one can cheer you up and you wonder if there ever was or is a God. Have you ever had such times? Discouragement can be devastating even to the best of saints. It can bring us so low. The writer of Proverbs phrased it well when he said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). When we get so low that we despair of our belief, we can identify with the prophet Elijah who wanted to die after being so discouraged with life. "I'm coming over," my friend said. "Aw, you don't have to do that," I said. "I'm coming over. We're going to pray." About 30 minutes later my friend walked in the door. We sat in living room and my friend began to pray. I didn't feel like praying. I was too deep in the pit. All I could do was listen. After awhile my friend was quiet. We both sat quietly for ten to fifteen minutes, praying quietly to ourselves. Suddenly my friend said, "First Thessalonians 5:24!" "What verse is that?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said. "That is the verse He spoke to me."
I grabbed my Bible and looked up the verse. "The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it." We laughed. Can He be so personal? Can He care that much? That night I grew more in my love of my two friends, not to mention being brought out of the pit. Do you have a friend who is there when you need somebody at any hour of the day? Are you there for your friend? Ask the Lord how you can be a better friend to someone today.
As I read this I thanked God for all the friends He has given me. Friends at church, friends at work, friends I have never even met, new friends I have made as a result of this journey. My friends let me ride on their hope when mine is dim and most importantly, My friends pray for me.
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!!
Monday, April 6, 2009
A Better Than Others Good Day
To quote my good friend Deloris, " Every day is a good day. Just some days are better than others." Today was "Better than others good day". Being the day BEFORE chemo I felt good enough to go in to work. I love working. I love the job that God has provided for me. I love the feeling of satisfaction in being able to care for sick babies.
One of the things that has been hard with this cancer is that people assume you are too sick or tired to do anything. So they don't ask. For me that has been harder to deal with than some of the physical obstacles. I think that is one reason why I am so blessed being able to go to work. I have a feeling of contributing and being needed.
My two patients today would be what some consider tiny. But in our NICU population they are BIG (5 and 6 pounds). In fact one of the doctors asked me if they picked out 2 of the biggest babies in the unit for me to take care of today. But I loved it. They were adorable babies and would open their eyes and look at me as if to say "Thank you for taking care of me." I thank God for letting me be His hands in caring for these sick little ones.
Well, tomorrow is the last round of 4 treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. One leg of the journey will be completed. Yeah!! Got my Gator bag and my quilt and I'm ready to go.
Lamentations 3:23
One of the things that has been hard with this cancer is that people assume you are too sick or tired to do anything. So they don't ask. For me that has been harder to deal with than some of the physical obstacles. I think that is one reason why I am so blessed being able to go to work. I have a feeling of contributing and being needed.
My two patients today would be what some consider tiny. But in our NICU population they are BIG (5 and 6 pounds). In fact one of the doctors asked me if they picked out 2 of the biggest babies in the unit for me to take care of today. But I loved it. They were adorable babies and would open their eyes and look at me as if to say "Thank you for taking care of me." I thank God for letting me be His hands in caring for these sick little ones.
Well, tomorrow is the last round of 4 treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. One leg of the journey will be completed. Yeah!! Got my Gator bag and my quilt and I'm ready to go.
Lamentations 3:23
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Whatever It Takes
We just spent a wonderful week of Spring Break. Carl had the week off and we decided to take a week to relax. On Saturday we went to Epcot and saw the flower and garden festival. It was absolutely beautiful. We enjoyed walking around the park. It was a beautiful day. We even laughed as we chased my hat each time the wind blew it off. We ate at the German restaurant for the first time and walked out so full we could barely walk.
Monday we went to the Magic Kingdom with 5 million other spring breakers. After a couple of hours we went back to Epcot and spent the rest of the day walking around admiring the flowers and stuffing ourselves again at the German restaurant. Except for the bone pain, I had no trouble keeping up with Carl for 2 days of being playing tourist.
Tuesday we planted flowers at our house. Though it didn't quite measure up to Epcot they look beautiful in our yard. Carl planted the begonias in the shape of a treble clef and base clef. In the afternoon we went to see a movie, but we were so tired, we both slept through the entire movie.
Wednesday, we got to have lunch with Eric, Katie, Jayda and new baby Cooper. Being April fools day, Jayda said "Granny, I played a trick on Daddy this morning." I asked her what she did. She smiled that mischievous smile that I had seen many times on her daddy. "Well," she said, "I went into Daddy's room and cried. Daddy asked me what was wrong and I said. "I dropped baby Cooper on the floor on accident." I guess it got a reaction from Daddy. I laughed until I cried.
Thursday we went to Alabama to see my sister, brother-in-law and wonderful niece Jenna. We spent a relaxing 2 days visiting, enjoying the beauty of the country, watching Jenna ride Tank and play softball. We drove back Saturday night in time to enjoy a birthday dinner with our good friends, the Zabels.
The best part of the Spring Break week was today. Today was Palm Sunday. The beginning of Holy Week. Our choir presented a cantata called "The Love of Jesus". We had been practicing for weeks. I had sung it many times in the car as I practiced with the CD. But today, as I sang, God spoke to my heart several times. A time or two I was so moved by the music I could barely sing. As I sang the words to this song, I asked God to break my stubborn will and help me to do whatever it takes to draw closer to Him.
There's a voice calling me from an old rugged tree and it whispers "Draw closer to me."
Leave this world far behind. There are new heights to climb.
And a new place in Me you will find.
And whatever it takes, to draw closer to you Lord.
That's what I'll be willing to do.
And whatever it takes for my will to break
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Spring is a time to start anew. We do spring cleaning in our homes. We change our wardrobe to light, bright colors. We plant new flowers. I am grateful for the wonderful spring break week God allowed me to experience. I thank Him for allowing me to start anew when I make mistakes and fail to do His will. And I will praise Him for the new heights He would have me to climb, and pray that each and every day I would be able to do whatever it takes to draw closer to Him.
Monday we went to the Magic Kingdom with 5 million other spring breakers. After a couple of hours we went back to Epcot and spent the rest of the day walking around admiring the flowers and stuffing ourselves again at the German restaurant. Except for the bone pain, I had no trouble keeping up with Carl for 2 days of being playing tourist.
Tuesday we planted flowers at our house. Though it didn't quite measure up to Epcot they look beautiful in our yard. Carl planted the begonias in the shape of a treble clef and base clef. In the afternoon we went to see a movie, but we were so tired, we both slept through the entire movie.
Wednesday, we got to have lunch with Eric, Katie, Jayda and new baby Cooper. Being April fools day, Jayda said "Granny, I played a trick on Daddy this morning." I asked her what she did. She smiled that mischievous smile that I had seen many times on her daddy. "Well," she said, "I went into Daddy's room and cried. Daddy asked me what was wrong and I said. "I dropped baby Cooper on the floor on accident." I guess it got a reaction from Daddy. I laughed until I cried.
Thursday we went to Alabama to see my sister, brother-in-law and wonderful niece Jenna. We spent a relaxing 2 days visiting, enjoying the beauty of the country, watching Jenna ride Tank and play softball. We drove back Saturday night in time to enjoy a birthday dinner with our good friends, the Zabels.
The best part of the Spring Break week was today. Today was Palm Sunday. The beginning of Holy Week. Our choir presented a cantata called "The Love of Jesus". We had been practicing for weeks. I had sung it many times in the car as I practiced with the CD. But today, as I sang, God spoke to my heart several times. A time or two I was so moved by the music I could barely sing. As I sang the words to this song, I asked God to break my stubborn will and help me to do whatever it takes to draw closer to Him.
There's a voice calling me from an old rugged tree and it whispers "Draw closer to me."
Leave this world far behind. There are new heights to climb.
And a new place in Me you will find.
And whatever it takes, to draw closer to you Lord.
That's what I'll be willing to do.
And whatever it takes for my will to break
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Spring is a time to start anew. We do spring cleaning in our homes. We change our wardrobe to light, bright colors. We plant new flowers. I am grateful for the wonderful spring break week God allowed me to experience. I thank Him for allowing me to start anew when I make mistakes and fail to do His will. And I will praise Him for the new heights He would have me to climb, and pray that each and every day I would be able to do whatever it takes to draw closer to Him.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Confessions of a Control Freak
It is a new day!! I can't change a thing about yesterday. I can't control what will happen tomorrow. But I can control how I react to today.
I confess to being a control freak. A weakness in my life that God has had to "teach me about" for many years. (I think He would say I am a slow learner). I like my house in order. I can control that. I like to do my job 110%. I can control that. I like to be involved in doing things for people that make a difference. I can control that.
I have spent the last several days trying to figure out how I could control this desert of cancer. In doing so I have literally exhausted myself. What can I do to increase my chances of beating this disease? What can I do to have the energy I used to have? What can I do when I see someone out jogging (which I used to do) but now have such sore bones it is a struggle to walk fast. What can I do to prevent losing my fingernails and not be able to work? What can I do to fight discouragement? What can I do to find my positive attitude that seems to be lost somewhere? How can I take control ?
Well, I woke up this morning with the answer. It was the first thought I had as I opened my eyes. It's the same answer that God has given me everytime I try to take control from Him. (I told you I was a slow learner) .
There is only one thing I can do. I can make a conscious decision to give it all to God and let Him BE IN CONTROL. All of it. Not the parts I want Him to have. Okay Lord. Thank you for the thousandth time for your patience with me. Thank you for gently and patiently teaching me over and over and over again.
And this morning, I have the smile back. There is a joy in my heart. My spirit is light because I don't have to try and control everything that happens today. I don't have to figure out how to control tomorrow. I can use my energy to be thankful for the many things that He has done for me. The only thing I have to do is make a conscious decision to praise Him when doubts creep in.
He will do the rest!
Lamentations 3:23 - He gives NEW mercies fresh every morning!
I confess to being a control freak. A weakness in my life that God has had to "teach me about" for many years. (I think He would say I am a slow learner). I like my house in order. I can control that. I like to do my job 110%. I can control that. I like to be involved in doing things for people that make a difference. I can control that.
I have spent the last several days trying to figure out how I could control this desert of cancer. In doing so I have literally exhausted myself. What can I do to increase my chances of beating this disease? What can I do to have the energy I used to have? What can I do when I see someone out jogging (which I used to do) but now have such sore bones it is a struggle to walk fast. What can I do to prevent losing my fingernails and not be able to work? What can I do to fight discouragement? What can I do to find my positive attitude that seems to be lost somewhere? How can I take control ?
Well, I woke up this morning with the answer. It was the first thought I had as I opened my eyes. It's the same answer that God has given me everytime I try to take control from Him. (I told you I was a slow learner) .
There is only one thing I can do. I can make a conscious decision to give it all to God and let Him BE IN CONTROL. All of it. Not the parts I want Him to have. Okay Lord. Thank you for the thousandth time for your patience with me. Thank you for gently and patiently teaching me over and over and over again.
And this morning, I have the smile back. There is a joy in my heart. My spirit is light because I don't have to try and control everything that happens today. I don't have to figure out how to control tomorrow. I can use my energy to be thankful for the many things that He has done for me. The only thing I have to do is make a conscious decision to praise Him when doubts creep in.
He will do the rest!
Lamentations 3:23 - He gives NEW mercies fresh every morning!
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