When I was first diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) I had never even heard of it. And for good reason. It is relatively new in the cancer field and it acts very diferently than most breast cancers. It's always been my nature to read everything I can find on anything medical if I don't have a good understanding of it. So I saw no problem in researching TNBC. I set out on the wonderful world of the internet and read everything I could get my eyes on. I spent weeks staying up late at night reading articles and statistics. I was going to take this "bull by the horns." But very soon it became a big problem. Many nights, after reading, I went to bed in tears. The statistics caused me to believe I couldn't beat it. I started to feel sorry for myself. But, what made me feel the worst, was the conviction of the Holy Spirit on my heart, that I was running ahead of God and not putting my trust in Him.
So I decided that I would not read anymore about it. I would bury my head in the sand and leave it in God's hands. For several months I was content with the little bit of knowledge I had. I knew that I would soon have to make decisions regarding surgeries after chemo and radiation. I knew I would need to have some facts before making those decisions, but I tossed it aside for fear I was running ahead of God.
Over the last week, God has taught me another new lesson. I received an e-mail from a friend with a website that was dedicated strictly to TNBC. She said it contained a wealth of information on TNBC with the newest advances and latest research. She recommended I read up on several of the new studies. A warning light came up in my head. I was hesitant at first. Was this God's doing or mine? I earnestly asked God to show me what I should do with it. I prayed about it. I sought counsel from a good Christian friend.I opened my bible, asking Him to give me direction, and started to read what God has to say about knowledge. And as I did that, God began to give me a peace about it.
"It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." (Pr. 19:2) I realized in my zeal to learn about this disease, I was too hasty. I went running on my own and missed what He would have wanted me to know.
"The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, the ears of the wise seek it out." (Pr. 18:15) The Holy Spirit has given us the gift of discernment. When I seek out knowledge, I first need to pray for His discernment.
"The eyes of the Lord keep watch over knowledge, but He frustrates the word of the unfaithful." (Pr. 22:12). God knows everything there is to know about TNBC and every other medical condition we may face. He keeps watch over all knowledge. But when I run ahead, trying to learn without Him, I will only become frustrated.
God has shown me this week, that He is the giver of all knowledge. He doesn't mind me having knowledge. It's okay to make informed decisions as long as I have earnestly sought His guidance.
And now when I read, I will pray before, not after. I will not run ahead, for I don't even know the way. I will take His hand and let Him lead me along trusting in the knowledge that He knows every step of the way.