Thursday, April 9, 2009

Not My Will

I think this last round of A/C did me in. I told Carl I thought maybe they gave me extra for good measure since it was the last round. Whatever the reason, I am so happy there will be no more of that cocktail. The nausea has been non-stop and the fatigue has progressed to total exhaustion. After sleeping almost 12 hours last night I got up, took a shower and went back to bed. Carl went to work at the church and I slept. Carl came home and started teaching and I slept. Finally at 5:00 in the afternoon I got ready to go to church for our Maundy Thursday service.

As soon as the service started, I began to feel better. Perhaps because I took my mind off of myself and put it on Christ. The altar was beautifully decorated with the glow of 12 candles that represented each of the disciples. The evening sun shone through the stained glass window and illuminated the faces of those in worship. The organ sang a sweet melodious song of praise. The sound of the congregation lifting their voices in praise filled the air.

During the service there was a video clip of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. For some reason, the sound wouldn't work so we just watched the video. But, the look of anguish on Jesus' face in the Garden spoke volumes to my heart. The picture needed no sound at all. I could hear His voice crying out "Father if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me , yet not my will but yours be done ". In the silence I heard Him say, "I did this for you, Roxanne, because I love you!!" Tears of gratefulness filled my eyes. How can I possibly say "thank you" What can I possibly do to give back?

I can give Him my heart. I can surrender my life. I can give Him my will. I can pray as He prayed, "Father not my will but thine."

Jesus was afraid, disappointed, confused and exhausted that night in the Garden. He has experienced exactly what we experience in our lives. He understands. He's not someone who sits up in the sky on a throne. He is a living, personal friend who loves us and wants to care for us. And because of that I can have a light of joy that can never be extinguished!!