Monday, April 27, 2009


Which one sounds the best? 12 treatments, 12 weeks or 3 months. I have had the hardest time staying upbeat yesterday and today. Tomorrow, I start the first of 12 weekly treatments of Taxotere. I keep trying to find the positive things in that but haven't come up with much. I guess it's good that this drug doesn't cause the heart damage like the last one. And the only hair left to lose is 4 eyelashes on the right eye. Bottom line, I'm just not ready for tomorrow.

When I started the Adriamycin, Cytoxan though I was nervous, I was quite positve about it. Maybe "clueless" was the better word.

But this time I know better. Last time I had treatment every 3 weeks (1 bad week and 2 good weeks to recover). How will that math work this time with every week treatment? Last time I had the "magic" pill called Emend to help with the 1st 3 days of nausea. Not this time. I went into the last treatment full of energy. I'm going into this one exhausted. Last time it was 4 treatments and that seemed do-able. This time is 12 and it's seems overwhelming. Okay could I have a little cheese with my whine please?

And, I have to confess. Sometimes I think that if God had given me a choice when He chose to do His work in me this way, I would have had to join Moses and some of the others in the bible in saying "Who Me?" "Maybe, Lord, you have the wrong person." "Maybe we could go to Plan B because I don't think I can do Plan A."

But, I know that God knows best and that's why, Thanks be to Him, He didn't give me the choice. I have already seen how He has worked in my life through this in just the last 4 months.

A few days ago I shared a scripture from the book of James and I have been thinking about it a lot since then. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds." (James 1:2) What does that mean? Does God expect me to say "Lord, I am so happy that you chose to allow me to have cancer. Thank you for letting me go through this. I consider it pure joy." Absolutely not. He knows my heart. He knows it's not what I would have chosen. He doesn't ask me to walk around pretending to be happy about having cancer. But, He asks me to consider, to think about, to look forward to the work that He will do in me and through me according to His purpose and that the end result WILL be something to be joyful about!

We will all face trials in our lives. The scripture said "Consider it pure joy WHEN you face trials." It didn't say IF you face trials. No one goes from the cradle to the grave without trials. Jesus faced a tremendous trial when He went to the cross. He wasn't joyful that night in the Garden of Gethsemanee. He even asked His Father to take the cup from Him if it be His will. But He knew that when that trial was over there would be great joy because all of God's children would have a place with Him forever.

I asked God in prayer this afternoon to give me encouragement and strength to begin the next leg of this journey. He answered both requests. First, Carl came in with a bouquet of flowers. What nicer encouragement could I have received! Oh how I love him. Second, God gave me a scripture that I will carry with me tomorrow and the days to come "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phillipians 4:13).

And now I am ready for tomorrow.