Sometimes I wonder why I choose to take the "hard way out" instead of the "easy way out". Last night before I finally fell asleep, I had myself so worried that I hardly slept at all. I had started worrying about going back to work when I finish radiation this week.
As I look back on the last 10 months, the effect of the treatments on my body were almost like fresh fallen snow on the top of a mountain. They started out as a little handful of soft snow. And with each treatment, the little handful turned into a snowball. The more treatments that went by the bigger the snowball got. Then came radiation, and the snowball seemed to get bigger and bigger. Now it seems like an avalanche out of control. I started out, before treatment, with a pretty good supply of energy, even though I was anemic. But as the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months, that energy seems a distant memory left at the top of the snow covered mountain. It is a chore to get through the day without several naps. Where as before, I could "push through" and "muster up" enough energy to accomplish what needed to be done, I find I have no more "push" or "muster".
Yesterday, as I thought about returning to work and the amount of energy it takes to do my job, I started worrying. I thought about getting up at 5am and making it through the day without a nap. When now I am taking 2 naps a day. And I continued to worry. I told Carl, I didn't think I could do it, and I continued to worry. By evening time, I had wasted the better part of my Sunday worrying. Instead of taking the "easy way out", and giving it all to God, I kept it and had a fitful night of sleep.
But God's faithfulness is great and He grants me new mercies every morning. (Lament. 3:23-24) Where would I be without Your mercy, Oh Lord?
As I began my devotion time, this morning, I couldn't find the words to pray. The combination of worry and lack of sleep last night left my mind blank. So I just sat, knowing God was there. Soon, I felt the gentle touch of the Holy Spirit as He whispered, "Be still and know that I am God."
I spotted a baby bird chirping on the fence. "Did he spend his night worrying?" I thought.
And I asked myself, "Why do you insist on taking the "hard way" first? How much of yesterday did you waste on worry? What did you change by all the worrying that you did? Could I have better spent that time telling Carl how much he means to me, whispering a prayer for someone in need, calling a friend I haven't talked to in awhile, or noticing the fresh new roses on the bush outside?
And there in the quietness of the new morning, in His holy presence, I took the "easy way" out. I laid all of my worries and cares at His feet. I just gave them all to Him. My job, my fatigue, my worries. All of it.
I don't know how He will take care of those worries, I only know He will. And today, instead of wasting precious time worrying, I'll take the "easy way out" and use my time in a way that will be pleasing to Him.