Monday, September 28, 2009

Doing Something

It's Monday and there will be no going down to MD Anderson for anything. No radiation, no doctor visit, no labs. Nothing. It's a strange feeling. For the last 9 months, a part of nearly everyday, was spent "doing something" to get rid of the cancer. Somehow there was security in that. Today, I feel like I should be "doing something". Like if I go back down and have another treatment it will keep it from coming back.

I remember the feeling after I graduated from nursing school. Every day was spent reading textbooks, studying, writing papers, going to clinicals at the hospital. When I graduated, I felt "free" for a day or so. Glad to be finished. But, after a few days, I felt like I should be "doing something". Studying, reading, writing. Something that would make me a better nurse.

Today, I have the same feeling. Like I should be "doing something".

And, then the Holy Spirit speaks softly to me. Gentle, words of warning. "I" can be a dangerous word. "Doing something" is a phrase that could be trouble. My eyes fall on the card that Ann gave me on my last day of radiation. In it she wrote " Let not worries fill your heart or anxiety take over your soul. But trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." There is no "I" in that scripture. God wants me to lean on Him and trust Him.

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10) There is no "doing something" in those words.

And so I will sit in the swing, taking in His Holy presence, listening to the sweet song of the birds, enjoying the aroma of the gardenia flowers on the fence, basking in the warmth of the morning sunshine. Trusting Him for all my tomorrows. That is exactly what He wants me to be doing.