Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I went into work this morning and really didn't give much thought to the ultrasounds the day before as knew I would be seeing the surgeon the next day. I really was anxious to see if Addie had done OK through the night without her oxygen. She had a few dips but managed to stay on room air. I just put the O2 tubing in her bed to ward off evil spirits but she didn't have to have it much. She did like to quit breathing (a premature baby thing). Whenever she quit breathing I would go over and open her portholes and tell her if she didn't breathe I was going to put my "ice cold" hand on her. That was usually enough to get her started again :). I love that baby!
The day went without a hitch until 6:00 when I decided to find out my results from the ultrasounds. As I read the reports I started to panic. By the time I was done, I was crying and knew that the single most thing in life that I was terrified of was about to be a reality for me. The tests showed a category 5 (5 being the highest) of malignancy of the breast tumor and axillary mass.
I was so overwhelmed that I had to leave work. I called Carl and told him I was coming home early and that I had the report form the tests. I gave him the report and again fell apart. He said, maybe the biopsy would show differently and that this was just an ultrasound. But I knew that that a category 5 was a very probable diagnosis. I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why at that point I didn't just ask God for some peace but I didn't. I felt no peace only panic.
I went to bed thinking that when I woke up the dream would be over. But it wasn't.