Today has been one of those days when God has revealed Himself to me very clearly and I want to share it with you. Forgive me if it seems like rambling. I pray that He will take my words and turn them into His words so you may understand what He wants me to say.
I think that anytime we are faced with a mountain in our lives we tend to question our faith. That is not necessarily a bad thing. God knows our hearts. He knows our human tendencies. And He understands.
Being a medical person, I understand clearly the aggressiveness of this type of cancer. The stage that it was diagnosed at and the 80% chance of it spreading to other organs weigh heavily on my mind at times. I watched my mother die from this disease even as I prayed for her healing. And I confess that I sometimes doubt that I will be able to beat it. Our bible study today talked about Thomas and how he doubted that it was really Jesus who had come back from the grave and appeared to the disciples. Thomas was sometimes called "The Twin". We spoke about Thomas having many twins. I am one of Thomas' twins. I too struggle with doubt.
I don't doubt that God can, if it is His will, place me in the 20% who beat this disease. But God also taught me a valuable lesson on healing with the loss of my mother. His healing is not always a physical healing so that we might live to the ripe old age of 102 (or whatever age we think we should live to). God's ultimate healing is accomplished when we are free from the troubles, sickness and pain of this world and meet Him face to face to spend eternity with Him.
So I ask myself "What does this say about my faith?"
During bible study, one of the gentlemen mentioned a scripture and it was as if God turned a 150 watt light bulb on right in front of my eyes. It was Hebrews 11:1. "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see."
Yes, I hope that I will be healed from this disease, but more importantly I hope that I can glorify Him in this life and then spend eternity with Him. And because of my faith I can say with confident assurance that what I hope for is going to happen. Because His word never fails.
Sometimes, I feel like a small child who doesn't understand his world. But then I run into my Father's loving arms and He surrounds me and says "You don't have to understand. It's okay to doubt. It's okay to question. I love you and I have it all under control and all you have to do is stay close to me." And once again "It is Well With My Soul."