Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Those Butterflies

Does God ever use the same example over and over again when He speaks to you? He certainly does me.

Today was the first follow-up visit with the oncologist, followed by a repeat mammogram. We know the routine pretty well. Review the labs. (Liver and spinach still doesn't work). But my infection fighting white blood cells are starting to come up. Examine for lumps or bumps and send you on your way with advice to call for any unusual symptoms that don't go away in a couple of weeks. What I really wanted to hear was, "Ok we've fixed the problem and there is no need for you to return here ever again." I suppose that's what anyone would like to hear from their doctor. But since we didn't hear that, I just left thankful that I wasn't coming back again in a week.

The mammogram was certainly a deja-vu experience. Same place, same lady at the check in, even the same lady who did the test as last year. As I waited to be called, a flood of memories filled my mind, of all that had taken place since being in this place last year. After the mammogram was finished, I was asked to wait while the doctor looked at it, before I could leave. After a few minutes the nurse came out and said the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. As I remembered those exact words from last year, I felt the "butterflies" again.

I have never quite understood why they move the screen away from you while they are doing the test. I guess they don't want people constantly asking them "what's that?" but I sure tried to get my neck twisted enough to see the screen. As the technician did the ultrasound she kept stopping in the same lymph node area and marking it on her machine. Then she would move to another spot and come back to the lymph node area again and stop to take more pictures. By this time the "butterflies" were definitely out in full force.

But just for a moment. For God came close. I closed my eyes to pray, but opened them again and on the ceiling, I saw the little pink bible. It was opened to the page with the little Precious Moments girl and the caption below that said "Cast all your cares on Him." And the "butterflies" were gone as quick as they came. Replaced with a warm sense of peace. In fact, I closed my eyes again and actually fell asleep during the last few minutes of the ultrasound. Soon the radiologist came in (the same one who did the test last year) and did another ultrasound himself. He said that they thought they saw something in the axillary lymph nodes on the opposite side of the cancer side, but he was not concerned with what he saw. Thank You, Lord!

Later in the afternoon, Ann called to see how the visit went, and I shared with her my disappointment in myself. That after God's speaking to me just 2 days ago about those "butterflies", that I even allowed those feelings today. And with the loving words of a Christian friend, she reminded me that I wasn't Jesus. That we are all human and struggle with doubts. I thought about how God used a little child on Sunday to speak to me about trust. Today, I wonder if He didn't see me as a little child, still needing gentle reminding. But He quickly and lovingly provided that reminder.

God doesn't guarantee Christian people a life with out trials. He doesn't promise that because we are Christians, we won't have "butterflies". He doesn't expect us to BE Him. He only wants us to learn, as a child, to be more like Him.

My prayer for you today, is that when the" butterflies" come, (and they will), that you cast those "butterflies" upon Him and experience His peace.