SURVIVOR

October is "Breast Cancer Awareness" month. Many of the stores are selling pink ribbon products to raise awareness. When Carl and I were in a grocery store last week, I saw a pink ribbon car magnet and on it was printed the word "SURVIVOR".

When I saw it , I thought, "I think that means me. I think I am now called a survivor." Funny, I have been finished with treatment for a week now and this is the first time I have thought about being a survivor.

I spent some time thinking about that word. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, being a survivor simply meant making it through chemo and radiation and getting on with life. But when do you call yourself a survivor?, I wondered. I remember hearing very early after being diagnosed, that you are a survivor the day you are diagnosed. With a stage IIIB , TNBC desert looming in front of me, I had a hard time grasping that concept. I asked myself, "when will I truly feel like a survivor?" When I've made it through surgery? Chemo? Radiation? One year out? Two years out? Five years out? I shared those feelings with my good friend Ann one morning. Later that evening, I received this beautiful e-mail from her.

Dear Roxanne,
You are a survivor each day you awake to God's grace anew. And when your final days come many years from now and you awake to God's Holy arms and His beautiful face, you are a survivor then too. For you have lived on this Earth, battled with Satan's powers, and left a legacy of love, faith and grace. Fight on my dear friend and survivor! Blessings and God's strength for each new day. Ann

Today, after spending 10 months in the desert, the word survivor has a much different meaning for me than it did in the beginning. Before the journey, being a survivor meant "all about me, and what I would do". After the journey, I have learned it is "all about Him and what He will do".

Being a survivor means being brought to our weakest point and learning that His strength is all we need.

Being a survivor is when your self will becomes His will.

You are a survivor when you walk out of the desert beside Him instead of in front of Him.

YES! I am a survivor. But NOT because of anything I have done. For without God's grace and mercy fresh every morning, I would not have made it through. Apart from Him I can do nothing.

And I pray, with all my heart, that whatever trial or battle you are facing right now, that you can know God's fresh new mercies and grace each morning. That as you travel through your desert, you can trust that He walks with you each step of the way and that He WILL bring you out.

And when He walks us out, we will truly be called "SURVIVORS" !

Embrace These Times

I shared a bit in my last blog about what a strange time this is for me. It is difficult to describe in words. It is not disturbing, just unsettling. Since finishing treatment and all the busyness that surrounds that, it has been a very quiet time. I know that it is a time to rest and heal from the journey through the desert. I know that it is not possible physically, right now, to go and do like I did before. But this uneasy feeling wasn't coming from that.

As I thought about it, I realized that for so long, my purpose has been spent trying to share what God was doing in me and through me on this journey. And now I am coming out of the desert and I ask myself, "What next?" I even wondered if God would still give me words to share on my blog.

It seems like I am wandering around in the dark with a blindfold on, being led by God to a place I don't know. I think my reliance upon Him, these last few days, has been every bit as strong, as any time during this journey.

"What is your purpose for me now, Lord? Will you have words for me to share? Will you still be able to use me?, I prayed.

Then, I began my morning devotions and read these words from Os Hilman,

Joshua was known for almost 40 years as "Joshua, servant of Moses." God's preparation for him required years of selfless service, training in the desert, and tests of faith. Those preparation years were booster rockets designed to move Joshua into each new stage of his development and his ultimate calling.

God allows each of us preparation times to lay a foundation that He plans to build on. Some of those foundation times appear to be laborious and meaningless, yet these experiences are what God is using to frame your life for the message He plans to speak through you. Without these experiences, the Jordan River can never be crossed and we cannot enter the Promised Land. Embrace these times of seeming inactivity from God. They, too, are a rocket booster to your next stage of your walk with God.

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6).

As I began to read this morning's devotional, tears filled my eyes. For, I knew after reading the first sentence, that God was speaking directly to me. By the time I finished, I was on my knees in humble gratitude for God Almighty hearing and answering my prayer.

Heavenly Father,
I look forward to what you will do in the "next stage" of my life. For I know you will complete the work you have begun in me. But for now, in this stage, I will "embrace" this time. I will surround, encircle and enclose myself in your loving arms. Thank you for holding me while I wait on you.
Amen

Doing Something

It's Monday and there will be no going down to MD Anderson for anything. No radiation, no doctor visit, no labs. Nothing. It's a strange feeling. For the last 9 months, a part of nearly everyday, was spent "doing something" to get rid of the cancer. Somehow there was security in that. Today, I feel like I should be "doing something". Like if I go back down and have another treatment it will keep it from coming back.

I remember the feeling after I graduated from nursing school. Every day was spent reading textbooks, studying, writing papers, going to clinicals at the hospital. When I graduated, I felt "free" for a day or so. Glad to be finished. But, after a few days, I felt like I should be "doing something". Studying, reading, writing. Something that would make me a better nurse.

Today, I have the same feeling. Like I should be "doing something".

And, then the Holy Spirit speaks softly to me. Gentle, words of warning. "I" can be a dangerous word. "Doing something" is a phrase that could be trouble. My eyes fall on the card that Ann gave me on my last day of radiation. In it she wrote " Let not worries fill your heart or anxiety take over your soul. But trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." There is no "I" in that scripture. God wants me to lean on Him and trust Him.

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10) There is no "doing something" in those words.

And so I will sit in the swing, taking in His Holy presence, listening to the sweet song of the birds, enjoying the aroma of the gardenia flowers on the fence, basking in the warmth of the morning sunshine. Trusting Him for all my tomorrows. That is exactly what He wants me to be doing.