RUNNING AHEAD

When I was first diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) I had never even heard of it. And for good reason. It is relatively new in the cancer field and it acts very diferently than most breast cancers. It's always been my nature to read everything I can find on anything medical if I don't have a good understanding of it. So I saw no problem in researching TNBC. I set out on the wonderful world of the internet and read everything I could get my eyes on. I spent weeks staying up late at night reading articles and statistics. I was going to take this "bull by the horns." But very soon it became a big problem. Many nights, after reading, I went to bed in tears. The statistics caused me to believe I couldn't beat it. I started to feel sorry for myself. But, what made me feel the worst, was the conviction of the Holy Spirit on my heart, that I was running ahead of God and not putting my trust in Him.

So I decided that I would not read anymore about it. I would bury my head in the sand and leave it in God's hands. For several months I was content with the little bit of knowledge I had. I knew that I would soon have to make decisions regarding surgeries after chemo and radiation. I knew I would need to have some facts before making those decisions, but I tossed it aside for fear I was running ahead of God.

Over the last week, God has taught me another new lesson. I received an e-mail from a friend with a website that was dedicated strictly to TNBC. She said it contained a wealth of information on TNBC with the newest advances and latest research. She recommended I read up on several of the new studies. A warning light came up in my head. I was hesitant at first. Was this God's doing or mine? I earnestly asked God to show me what I should do with it. I prayed about it. I sought counsel from a good Christian friend.I opened my bible, asking Him to give me direction, and started to read what God has to say about knowledge. And as I did that, God began to give me a peace about it.


"It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." (Pr. 19:2) I realized in my zeal to learn about this disease, I was too hasty. I went running on my own and missed what He would have wanted me to know.

"The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, the ears of the wise seek it out." (Pr. 18:15) The Holy Spirit has given us the gift of discernment. When I seek out knowledge, I first need to pray for His discernment.

"The eyes of the Lord keep watch over knowledge, but He frustrates the word of the unfaithful." (Pr. 22:12). God knows everything there is to know about TNBC and every other medical condition we may face. He keeps watch over all knowledge. But when I run ahead, trying to learn without Him, I will only become frustrated.

God has shown me this week, that He is the giver of all knowledge. He doesn't mind me having knowledge. It's okay to make informed decisions as long as I have earnestly sought His guidance.

And now when I read, I will pray before, not after. I will not run ahead, for I don't even know the way. I will take His hand and let Him lead me along trusting in the knowledge that He knows every step of the way.

GIFTS

This week's chemo treatment went amazingly well. 3 down and 9 to go. I spent Tuesday, treatment day, sleepy and a bit nauseous, but much better than previous treatments.

Today I woke up feeling wonderful. I was able to go to bible study which I enjoy so much and have lunch with my sister afterwards. I told her that God was giving me extra blessings today because I have never been able to eat on the second day. I even had the energy to go to the bookstore and find a book for a study my friend and I are going to do together. When Carl finished teaching, we sat out in the backyard on the swing talking about the day. After a quiet dinner we both laughed at which one of us would be able to stay awake past 9:00. A perfectly normal day.

Six months ago, I would not have given a day like today a second thought. I have always gone to bible study, I have always gone to a bookstore, I have always gone out to eat. I talk to Carl all the time. Nothing special.

But it was special. It was a gift from God. Having Christian friends with which to gather together and study God's word is a gift. Having sisters to have lunch with is a gift. Even being able to eat is a gift. And most of all having Carl to talk to, to spend time with and to enjoy my life with is a tremendous gift.

How sorry I am that I have taken those gifts for granted so many times. And how thankful I am that God loves me enough to keep on giving them to me anyway.

Father, forgive me for the many, times I have taken your gifts for granted. Lord I know that each day I awake is your gift to me, waiting to be opened, to do with what I will. Help me not only to see your gifts in the everyday activities of my life, but to treasure them as well. And I will give you all the praise for your great faithfulness and fresh new mercies every morning.

HIS HANDS

Chemo # 3 of 12. Ohh the joys of modern technology. I am blogging right now in the chemo infusion room, on my laptop, in real time, thanks to the world of computers and wireless technology. I enjoyed a wonderful dinner with Eric last night for Mother's Day. I know that pride isn't the best virtue to have but I have to confess that I am proud of the son, husband and father he has become. I think back on all the times in his life that God has gently guided him down the right path, surrounded him with His angels and kept him out of harms way and I am so thankful for that.

I saw my oncologist before coming for my treatment this morning. He hadn't done an exam in awhile. As he was doing the exam, I was holding my breath praying he wouldn't find anything suspicious. I guess the human side of me will always worry that he might find a problem. But some positive things did come out of his visit. First, I can now have grapefruit. There is no hard evidence supporting no grapefruit and this chemotherapy. YAY! Second, I can have up to 10 days off between the end of chemo and the start of radiation. YAY a vacation for us! I took great comfort in the third thing. He asked me on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the worst and 10 being the best) where was my fatigue and shortness of breath? I said "Well, since I just got out of bed, it's at about a 5. He said "Where would you like it to be?" I said "10." He said "Good news! Everyone else has the same answer so you are perfectly normal!" Wow, I'm perfectly normal now? If I had known chemo was all it took to be normal, I might have tried it years ago :)

My port wasn't too much of a problem this morning. A couple doses of heparin and one dose of TPA and it drew. No standing on my head :) Thank you, Lord.

Right now I am getting the IV steroids and benadryl so I thought I might type while I am still awake. My chemo nurse today is wonderful. He gives the chemo treatments for the research patients also and is very knowledgeable and on top of all the new studies. He says it keeps his mind sharp. I like that.

Today I am so anemic they are going to do a blood transfusion. My nurse must have known how much I don't like being in the hospital so he got it set up for me to come here to the cancer center on Thursday for 2 units of blood. Thank you Lord!

I am so thankful for the medical staff that have been involved in my care. I know that God cares about every detail in my life even down to which nurse will administer the treatment. I watched the competent hands of my nurse as he drew labs from the port and thought about our children's message on Sunday. Our hands are a powerful tool and can be used for many good things if we allow God to use them. It is God who gives gentle touch to the hands of the caregivers. It is God who gives wisdom to the researchers. It is God who steadies the hands of the surgeons. It is God who gives the perfect blend of knowledge and compassion to my doctors.
And it is God who holds me in His hands as I continue along this journey.

"FOR YOU MAKE ME GLAD BY YOUR DEEDS, OH LORD; I SING FOR JOY AT THE WORKS OF YOUR HANDS."
Psalms 92:4