BEAUTY

Even after nearly 8 months on this journey, it surprises me how quickly I can find myself walking in a valley. The last few days had been so nice. We went to church today and it was so good to be back after being in the hospital last Sunday. I had missed the worship and fellowship that God blesses me with in our church. We enjoyed a nice birthday lunch with friends after church. We went to Walgreens and picked up pictures of the Alabama trip to make a picture book for Jayda. When we were in the store, I was standing behind a woman and her husband. She was a very attractive lady. They were talking about going bike riding that evening. She seemed so vibrant and healthy. I felt a twinge of envy as I watched them.

As we drove home, my mind kept going back to the beautiful lady. I looked over at Carl and thought how unfair all of this was to him. I'm not usually one to put a lot of stock into physical beauty, but every wife wants to feel attractive to her husband. I had come to terms with the loss of hair and even the scars from the tumor removal. But the incision from the port removal last week is red and bruised. My arm is swollen with purple spots all over it from the clot. My abdomen in black and blue from the blood thinner injections and I am marked all over with tattoos for the radiation. I felt anything but attractive or vibrant to Carl. Bike riding seemed as foreign to me as a triathalon. Those kinds of activities seemed like a lifetime ago.

I should have seen it coming, because I know how negative thoughts work. But I didn't. And by the time we got home, my thoughts had taken me down into the valley. I tried to keep it to myself, but Carl has a sixth sense when something isn't right. When he asked what was wrong, I didn't answer for fear of a total meltdown. He said, "Remember we agreed to talk about all of the feelings." Through tear filled eyes, I said, "Is there anything else can they do to me to make me any more unattractive to you? Oh yeah, there's still the red, burned skin. I guess there is something else."

Carl is so wise. He knows that sometimes there just aren't words to say. Only arms to hold and shoulders to catch tears. For me, my physical beauty will never be the same as it was
before cancer. I can't change that. I know that becoming downhearted does not disappoint God. For He knows our human frailties. But staying downhearted does. And the only way I know to combat those feelings is to stay in the word. Whenever, I face an emotional or physical battle, I try to print out scripture verses and carry them with me. I keep them next to my chair and put them on the refrigerator. A constant reminder that will help redirect my thoughts when they want to take me into a valley.

Words of encouragement.

"For your beauty should come not come from outward adornment..Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1Peter 3:3-4)

"Beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

Words to help redirect my negative thoughts.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)

My Strength and Song

I have just returned home after being gone for the last 8 days.

On Thursday at 1:00pm, I was finally released from the hospital after spending 6 days in for the blood clot and port removal. My discharge instructions were: to not lift anything with my left arm, take the blood thinner injections twice a day, keep a close eye on the swelling and not "over do it".

Carl picked me up and, totally out of the blue, we decided to pick up Jayda and take her to see my sister in Alabama about 6 hours away. I was still feeling bad about having to disappoint Jayda the week before, when I got admitted to the hospital, so I was thrilled at our impromptu plan. Less than an hour after I was released, we were packed and on the road, a very excited little granddaughter in tow.

Now I know, that some may think I have lost my mind, by not going home and resting after just getting out of the hospital. But, I don't want to lay around in bed this entire cancer journey. Yes, there have been, and will continue to be days when that just has to be. But as long as God gives me the strength to live each day to the fullest, I plan to do that. Watching the pure joy on Jayda's face as she rode the horse with her adored cousin, played with the kittens, fed the fish in the pond and had a parade with the little dogs. Getting my nails painted in the makeshift bathroom nail spa, set up by Jenna and Jayda, while they sang Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift songs to me. Sharing memories about our Mom with my sister. Trying to put together more of our family tree. Looking up at the millions of stars in the Alabama night sky. So much I would have missed by "staying in bed and resting."

My sweet niece, Jenna, and I had morning devotions together this morning. It was about giving praise to the Lord. The scripture was Exodus 15:2. "The Lord is my strength and song. He has become my salvation. He is my God and I will praise Him." We read together and we prayed together. What a blessing that was for me.

And tonight, I praise Him, for giving me the strength to be able to enjoy the blessings of the last couple of days. And I will praise him when I wake for whatever He has in store for the new day.

"He is my strength and my song and I will praise Him."

This Is the Day

Well, I ended up spending another night in the hospital. Both the oncologist and the surgeon released me to go late in the afternoon but neither one actually wrote an order, so I had another sleepover party last night. I should have invited Jayda:)

I went for my radiation simulation this morning. Even though I had my quilt, it was freezing in there and the table was like ice. I said to the girl, "wonder why it has to be so cold in here" and she said "it's for the machines". Oh good, I thought. I'm so glad the machines are comfortable:)

I guess, I live a sheltered life because I was pretty naive on the true meaning of a tattoo. I honestly didn't know it involved needles. I thought they were just going to draw some marks on me. Well, can I just tell you, that there are some places needles just shouldn't go!!

Being on the blood thinners caused some bleeding from the needles so instead of blue and orange it was kind of blue and red. So, I'm confused. What kind of a football fan does that make me, now? Blue and red??? Is that half Gator and half something else? Do I cheer for half of the Gator games or just sit in the middle and cheer the whole game. Oh the stresses of breast cancer!!

I came back to my room and got dressed in my regular clothes. I am standing at my door with suitcase in hand showing the most pitiful looking face to anyone who walks by. Maybe that will get me home. If not I have asked my NICU friends to come and bring a baby isolette over here with a blanket over the top, stuff me in there and sneak me out. Whatever it takes, I hope to be home today :)

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalms 118:24) No matter where we spend it!!