A Thing

Today marked one-third of the way through radiation! 33% or .33333 or 1/3. No matter how it's written it's a milestone on the journey.

When I went in for the treatment today, it was really different. Usually, Dennis, Jared and Sadira are quite talkative. We talk about their children, my grandchildren, music, whatever comes along. But today, they were unusually quiet. I think they had been talking about an upcoming inspection. Not sure, but they immediately got started with the treatment, without the usual chit chat. They adjusted some of my markings, positioned the machine, called out several numbers to each other, looked at the computer screen and then left the room to start the beams. After the first quadrant was finished they came in and I felt the table rotate, heard some more numbers called out, saw the computer screen again and listened for the noise of the beams. I remember thinking. I feel like "a thing". Not a person on the table, but another piece of equipment. Another "thing."

But no sooner than the thought crossed my mind and the machine rotated and I saw the beautiful cross above me. And immediately I thought. I am not a "thing". I am a child of God! I don't need idle conversation. I don't need a fancy house, a career title, a lot of money. I don't even need good health. All that I truly need is in front of my eyes, etched in the ceiling. No, I am not a "thing." I am secure in knowing that I have Jesus.

But as I lay on the table looking at that cross I wondered. What about all those whose paths I cross, who feel as if they are just "a thing"? What about the girl at the cash register this morning, who couldn't work fast enough to please the man in line? What about the homeless man on the corner that I don't make eye contact with? What about the 17 year old girl waiting at the bus stop with 2 young babies? What about the old lady, waiting in the wheelchair, totally alone?

Can simple, kind words make them feel as though they matter? As though they are not just "a thing" in this world? Can eye contact and a smile be the encouragement they need to get through another day? When I say "how are you?" can I take a moment to listen? Can I be the one person in their day who offers hope when they feel hopeless? Can I be Jesus to them?

Lord, you have given me so much. I see that in my family, my friends, my job, my life. Yet, I fail to see a hurting world all around me. Help me take a moment, Father, to be your eyes, your hands, and your voice to someone in need. Amen

Who Am I?

Carl and I enjoyed a really nice weekend. This is the last weekend before school starts and Carl will be back to full time teaching on Monday. Since we didn't get to do too much this summer between chemo, blood clots and radiation, I really wanted to try and spend a day or so, together, doing something nice. So I surprised him with an overnight stay in Daytona.

I got up early Saturday morning, and as I was getting ready, the last of my 3 eyelashes came out. Okay, I've been done with chemo for 3 weeks! But, after all the hair loss over the last 8 months I sure wasn't going to let that bother me. Then, to add insult to injury, I was putting on some shorts to wear to Daytona and noticed new hair growing on my legs! What's up with that? Ask any woman if they'd rather have eyelashes or hair on their legs. It's a no-brainer. You don't have to shave your eyelashes! I just laughed and told Carl, some things just "don't make no sense".

We had a beautiful room that had a nice view of the airport runway. That might not sound too great to some, but Carl loves watching planes go in and out and I was hoping he would get a chance to see some. After settling into the room, we decided to go for a walk on Daytona Beach. As soon as we got within site of the ocean, I was totally overwhelmed with the magnitude of what I saw. I have been to the beach before, but have never had the experience that I did this time. I was in awe of the magnificence of God's handiwork and overwhelmed with my own insignificance. I spoke the only words I knew to ask of God at that moment, "Lord, I am so small against your greatness. Who Am I that you would notice me?"

I turned in full circle and saw brilliant blue sky as far as my eyes could see. And I felt so small. The warm wind, smelling of sea salt, blowing ever so gently against my face, yet strong enough to carry the para sail effortlessly along the water. I looked out in the distance at the vast calm blue water, and watched as that very same water came crashing in waves against the shore. "Who am I, mighty God?"

Walking along the shore I watched the tiny sea gulls digging in the sand for sand crabs. Further down the beach, a young boy was busy burying his little sister's body in the sand, leaving only her head exposed. Two young lovers had chiseled their names with hearts in the sand. "Lord, you know the exact number of grains of sand on this shore, Who Am I that you would be mindful of me?"

I watched the many, many people playing in the surf and sitting on the shore. Each one with their own story, their own joys and trials, their own past, their own future. And God knows every detail of every life, past and future, down to the exact number of hairs on their head. "Indeed, the very hairs on their head are all numbered." (Luke 12:7). "Yet, who am I Lord, among the billions of people in this world, that you would care about me?"

Then I hear Him whisper "You are mine. You belong to me. I have chosen you. I delight in you."

And I wonder. How is it that I have not experienced the works of His majesty the many other times I have come to the beach? Does it take a diagnosis of cancer? Does it take a desert in our lives? Or does it simply take a closer walk with Him?

There is a beautiful song and video below that expresses so much better the words I have tried to share. I pray, as you listen, that it will be as meaningful to you as it is to me. And if you have ever asked yourself the question "Who Am I?". If you have ever felt small and insignificant. I pray that you would step a bit closer to Him and hear Him whisper "You belong to me. You are mine. I have chosen you. I delight in you. Not for who you are, nor for anything you've done, but for who I am and what I've done."

Full Armor

It's really interesting how Satan plays mind games with people. I think the closer we walk with the Lord the more He tries to take us away.

I've had a dull headache for about 3 weeks now. Yesterday the headache was relentless and that's when the negative thoughts (compliments of Satan) started creeping in. A year ago, if I had a headache for 3 weeks I would have thought perhaps a sinus infection. But, yesterday I thought maybe I need an MRI to see if the cancer has spread. And the "what if's" started. I know that they might be natural feelings for someone with cancer, but they are not feelings that come from God.

This morning when we were going in for radiation, I saw some of the construction men on the job site of the new parking garage. They had on all of their protective gear for the job. They wore helmets, goggles, steel toed boots, back braces. They had on a full suit of armor to avoid getting hurt.

As I watched them, a scripture came into my head. "Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil." (Ephesians 6:9). I pictured myself walking into the hospital in a suit of armor, fully protected from Satan's tactics. I thought about an e-mail I had gotten from Ann the night before. She shared a scripture with me. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." (Mark 12:30). I can love him with all my heart, with all my strength and with all my soul, but if my mind is controlled by Satan and his tactics, what have I accomplished? He is asking for my all, not the parts I choose to give Him.

So, I'm walking with my full suit of armor on. It's fool proof against the tactics of the devil. And you know, it's not even heavy. In fact the burden I carried without the suit, was so much heavier to carry.

I'm looking forward to two days off from radiation. Spending time with Carl, with the kids and going to church. And yes, I will be wearing my suit of armor everywhere I go.