It's Monday and there will be no going down to MD Anderson for anything. No radiation, no doctor visit, no labs. Nothing. It's a strange feeling. For the last 9 months, a part of nearly everyday, was spent "doing something" to get rid of the cancer. Somehow there was security in that. Today, I feel like I should be "doing something". Like if I go back down and have another treatment it will keep it from coming back.
I remember the feeling after I graduated from nursing school. Every day was spent reading textbooks, studying, writing papers, going to clinicals at the hospital. When I graduated, I felt "free" for a day or so. Glad to be finished. But, after a few days, I felt like I should be "doing something". Studying, reading, writing. Something that would make me a better nurse.
Today, I have the same feeling. Like I should be "doing something".
And, then the Holy Spirit speaks softly to me. Gentle, words of warning. "I" can be a dangerous word. "Doing something" is a phrase that could be trouble. My eyes fall on the card that Ann gave me on my last day of radiation. In it she wrote " Let not worries fill your heart or anxiety take over your soul. But trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." There is no "I" in that scripture. God wants me to lean on Him and trust Him.
"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10) There is no "doing something" in those words.
And so I will sit in the swing, taking in His Holy presence, listening to the sweet song of the birds, enjoying the aroma of the gardenia flowers on the fence, basking in the warmth of the morning sunshine. Trusting Him for all my tomorrows. That is exactly what He wants me to be doing.
Monday, September 28, 2009
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You are so so right.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, you are doing something! Your body is still recovering from the treatment so by relaxing and enjoying your day you are healing emotionally and physically which is part of the battle we face.
These quiet times are there for our benefit. God will have you up and about and "doing something" soon enough. But right now He has you resting and it's good to know that you are exactly where He intends you to be. (smile)
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the simple pleasures of life today. I am so happy for you
ReplyDeleteah, I went through this as well. What do you mean I can't do anything else to fight my cancer? Actually I have been told that it is a time that some people really just fall apart because the constant support from doctors, nurses, and medical professionals just ended. Perhaps you can find something else to make you feel like you are doing something about your cancer - a support group, a new club, etc.
ReplyDeleteJust live in the moment and be ...
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best.
I know just the feelings you are having about "doing something." I remember even asking if there wasn't a "booster chemo" or something else I should be doing. I almost felt guilty being "done." It took a while to get over that and to walk into each new day trusting the Lord, knowing that HE knew where we were going. It's been 5 months now since my last radiation, and sometimes I still think I should be doing something. Simply trusting day by day is all He asks of us -- but probably the hardest of all thing to "do!" I'm so glad you are done, Roxanne! Wow!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm at the same place. I hope you know how reassuring it is to read that other people are feeling the same way you do. Thanks for expressing it so well.
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