Like a Baby

Many times our premature babies forget to breathe.We call it "apnea of prematurity". Breathing is a natural thing, but these babies are immature and when they stop breathing (go apneic), the alarms go off and we walk over and stimulate them. Pat them on the back, rub their feet, (sometimes a little more convincing is needed). And they take a deep breath and begin breathing again. They do this over and over again, but as they get older and more mature , their apnea spells become less and less and they finally outgrow it.

Sometimes I feel like a premature baby. Being a christian and relying on God continually, should be a natural thing by now. But, in so many ways I am still an immature baby in my christian walk.

I went into work today for an hour or so and then took a break and walked over to MD Anderson to see my oncologist. Carl had to work so he wasn't able to come. My long time friend and charge nurse on that floor, Mary, stopped in to visit me in the exam room. It was a blessing to visit with her. She is a christian also and we shared how God had his hand in picking my doctors and staff there.

Now don't get me wrong here. I love and trust my oncologist and all of his staff. But any visit with an oncologist is not usually a spirit lifting experience and today was no different. We talked again about what to expect after treatment and radiation. My question was, that if we did CT or PET scans only once a year, wouldn't we miss a chance to catch any metastisis earlier? And he gently reminded me again that it wouldn't change the outcome or survival rate at that point. I asked if it spread to the lung couldn't they just take it out, do chemo and radiation and cure it. But he said that breast cancer cells that go to the lungs do not respond to treatment like lung cancer that goes to the lungs. If that was to happen, it would become incurable. He actually remembered telling me this before, but he must have known I needed to hear it again to understand and believe it. He is such a kind and honest man in his presentation. But, I wanted to hear the word "cured" somewhere in his conversation. And I never did.

He asked me how I was feeling and I told him that it was strange, but over the last 2 weeks, I get hit with some crippling nausea and vomiting that doesn't seem to follow any pattern. It's not related to food intake or chemo that I can tell. No rhyme or reason as to when it hits. He asked me if I got headaches. I said, yes fairly often, but they're not real bad. He said that if I found that to be a problem still, after finishing chemo, he would do an MRI to see if the cancer might have traveled to the brain. Basically that is how they tell if the cancer has spread anywhere. By testing any abnormal symptoms. I was very upset by hearing this. How do you go on after treatment and live a normal life, without becoming a hypochondriac? Without worrying that every time I get a bad headache, or bone pain or dry cough that the cancer is back?

I left the visit in tears to go back to work. I really should have walked around the block first, but I didn't have the energy. I headed straight to Ann's office. I knew I was in need of a believing, praying, friend, right then. We talked, we cried, and she prayed. As she was praying for me I received a soft, healing peaceful feeling. We stayed in silent prayer for a few moments, knowing that God was hearing our tears and all of our unspoken words. After praying, I was ready to breathe again. Just like the babies, I had been reminded to take a breath and go on. I even joked to Ann that it's probably a good thing that I don't have many eyelashes left so my makeup wouldn't be smeared all over my face. We both had a good laugh and I went back out ready to take care of my babies.

At 2pm, I walked across the street for chemo. But this walk wasn't the discouraging walk from earlier. It was almost like the medicine you get right before they put you to sleep for surgery. No matter what is about to happen, you feel fine. Peaceful. You only have to lay there and breathe and all the rest will be taken care of for you. When I got there, I received a message on my phone from my friend Maureen in the NICU. Our hospital is a round building with glass windows all around it. The message said "We are all waving to you out the window from Winnie. Love you lots!" What joy a few simple words can bring!!

The chemo went well. Carl came. My nurse, Diane, told me I was very anemic and she was going to call Dr. Baidas and ask about a transfusion. We joked because the bloodmobile was downstairs that day and it was time for Carl to give. He could have just brought it up to me :) I told Diane "Well, I'd love nothing more than a boost for going back to work, but don't take it personally if he says no. He's not a big fan of that for some reason." Sure enough, he didn't want to, since the chemo was nearly finished. I went to sleep and slept through most of the chemo, the ride home and most of the evening. As if God, wanted to remind me once more before the day was over, I got a call from my dear friend Lori, another believer, who lifted and encouraged my spirits.

In our christian life, we start out as a baby craving spiritual milk so that we can grow in him. "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation." (1 Peter 2:2 ) He wants us to grow in our maturity level from milk to solid foods. But He knows that it doesn't happen over night. He knows that, just like that preemie baby, we sometimes forget to breathe. We weren't ready. We fall back from solid food to milk.
"I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready." (1 Corinthians 3:2)

Yesterday, I spent some time as a baby. Though by this time in my spiritual walk, I should be on solid foods, today I drank only milk. But God already knew it. "In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food!" (Hebrews 5:12)

I forgot to breathe today. But God provided me with believing friends, with prayers and encouragements. A pat on the back. A reminder to breathe.

Tomorrow's plan is to rest, rest and rest. But I first plan to eat solid food. I'm going to read my bible. Learn the "elementary truths" all over again. And pray and give thanks to Him who is so incredibly patient with me as I try to mature from a baby to an adult in my christian walk.

Power in Weakness

"My Little Princess"

Yesterday, I woke up feeling really good and was excited about going to church after being gone for the last two weeks. It was so good to be back. Carl and I got to play a piano and organ duet of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and except for some nerves it was neat to be able to play with him. The scripture reading the pastor had chosen was II Corinthians 12:2-10. As I was reading the scripture, I came to verse 9 "And he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." While reading that verse, I was so moved by the Holy Spirit, I had to pause for a moment before I could go on. I have always liked that scripture, but I didn't know why, this time, I was so gripped emotionally by it. Until much later. Throughout the rest of the service, that verse echoed over and over in my mind. During lunch and the ride home, the verse kept repeating itself.

I really didn't do a good job of energy management, because by the time I got home, ironed a uniform and got ready for work, my energy and strength were used up. As I walked from the parking garage into the hospital, that verse came to mind once again.

But, this time, I realized why God had used that verse to speak to me today. I was weak. He knew I would be weak as I prepared to go back to work full-time. So He told me over and over again, that His strength would be perfect in my weakness. His grace would be enough for all my needs. Now I understood! How perfect is His timing, that this verse would be the one chosen for worship today. How perfect that He would remind me, not once, not twice, but over and over again, that He would supply all of my needs.

I worked Sunday. And I worked today. And God's promise, as always, was true. His strength was perfect. I had enough strength and energy to do the very thing that I love to do. Taking care of very tiny, sick babies.

And to top it off, God blessed me with a special surprise today! I had a surprise visit from a family whose baby I had been a primary nurse for in the NICU. I call her "my little princess". She was born at a little over a pound and is now a 9 1/2 pound, healthy, beautiful baby girl. As I held her in my arms today, she smiled at me and my heart overflowed with thankfulness. And at that very moment, I heard the words to that verse once again. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

FREEDOM

We enjoyed a special day today. It got off to a rough start, though, with me getting sick in Target. I'm not sure why all of a sudden the last 2 weeks have been so rough as far as getting sick. Perhaps a build up of the chemo in my system. But I do know, nothing clears out a public restroom faster than a person sick from chemo. Hmmm. Maybe I'll try that the next time the line in the ladies room is forever long :)

We went to Eric and Katie's in the afternoon to celebrate this special holiday with family. Independence Day. In America, it is a day when we celebrate the birth of our country and give thanks for our freedoms. I saw a bumper sticker once that said "Freedom isn't free." How true that is. Someone had to pay the price for our freedom. On this holiday, we pause to remember those who have given their lives for the freedoms we enjoy. We also say thanks to those who are putting their lives on the line by serving our country now.

But, I also celebrate another freedom. This day and every day. One that is more important to me than any other freedom I enjoy. That is my freedom in Christ. This freedom isn't free either. It came with a price. God could not have a relationship with us when we were filled with sin and bound to the laws. But, Jesus gave his life so we could be free from the bondage of laws and sin and death. "Because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:2 NIV)
Because I am free, I can enjoy a personal relationship with him that enables me to get through the trials of this life. And that freedom promises me, that when this life is over, I will spend eternity with Him!

As an American I say "thank you" to all those men and women who have given of themselves to make this great country free.

As a christian I say "thank you" to my Lord for giving His life so that I can walk hand in hand with Him on this journey.