Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Carl and I are sitting here at MD Anderson and I am trying so hard not to break down. I don't exactly know why. Today marks the half way point for chemo and I should be happy. But when I walked in the room, I just had this overwhelming down feeling. I don't like it here anymore and really don't want to be here. I don't want to be sick or tired or have bone pain, anymore. But in the back of my mind I think that as long as I am receiving chemo, there is less chance of the cancer coming back somewhere.

The nurse didn't look up or speak to us when we came in. I asked what chair we should take and she said "just pick any one". When she came over, I so hoped for a smile or a "How are you today?" but she only asked me my date of birth and if I wanted the spray for my port. And for some reason the tears started to flow. I just couldn't stop them.

She accessed the port, OUCH! and left. Carl said to me "your disappointment is kind of obvious." So I went into the restroom to pray and ask God to lift my spirits and help me pull myself together.

A few minutes after I came out of the restroom, my friend Ann's secretary walked into the room and she was holding a small bag. She said, "Ann couldn't get away because she was busy with a very sick baby, but she asked me to bring this over to you. Inside the bag was a bowl of chicken noodle soup, some chocolate chip cookies and a card. The outside of the card said, "A Hug from God's heart." Inside the card, Ann had written this scripture. "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say Rejoice."

Oh how thankful I am that God answered my prayer so quickly this morning! He not only provided nourishment for my body but the much needed nourishment for my soul today. Of all the scriptures that Ann could have chosen, this is the one that God knew I need to hear today!!
He is so good to me!

So now I am in a better frame of mind. We are waiting on the lab work to come back to see if I am moving away from an Olive Oil and closer to a Popeye. They should be better because last night we finally made liver and onions. It did smell up the house and Carl looked a bit green. But for me, it wasn't too bad because I have lost all my taste buds. So I just told myself I was eating chocolate cake! Yum.

So I sit here and wait for the labs and receive the chemo. But I will wait without tears for I know my God waits with me. He knows my feelings and He cares and I will Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice!


  1. Oh, Roxanne!!!! I am so sorry you had to feel this way today. I know about those unexplained tears, the feeling alone, etc. Chemo has a way of playing with our emotions, so please don't give up. Plug on through! I almost gave up after number 4 and felt I just couldn't make it through two more. But I did make it, and there IS light on the other side.
    It is so wonderful to know that the Lord cares about our feelings and knows just when to bring us a bowl of soup. I'm rejoicing with you. . . and hope that I will always be sensitive enough to God's leading to know when to bring someone a bowl of soup!!!!!! I'm rejoicing with you today and sending gentle hugs!!!!!

  2. I'm really sorry you felt so down.. hang in there and keep us upto date with how you are darling xxx

  3. I reached this point at the second to last chemo. I just fell apart. I really just did not want to get out of bed and go. We're human, and chemo is a huge assault. Our poor bodies take quite a beating. My husband made me get up that day, and I prayed myself into the shower and off the hill to the cancer center. Now it is a memory. Do you ever wonder how people who do not believe in God deal with all of this? I do.

  4. OH I am sorry, HUGS!!! Tracey W


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